Spooge's Spit Up - 5 Toughest Questions A Woman Can Ask A Man

The Questions Are:

What are you thinking about?
Do you love me?
Do I look fat?
Do you think she is prettier than me?
What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e tells the truth).
Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1:
What are you thinking about?

The proper answer to this, of course, is:
"I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you."
This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
Baseball.
Football.
How fat you are.
How much prettier she is than you.
How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
(Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!")

Question # 2:
Do you love me?

The proper response is:
"YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
Inappropriate responses include:
I suppose so.
Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
That depends on what you mean by love.
Does it matter?
Who, me?

Question # 3:
Do I look fat?

The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Among the incorrect answers are:
Compared to what?
I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
A little extra weight looks good on you.
I've seen fatter.
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4:
Do you think she's prettier than me?

Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
Incorrect responses include:
Yes, but you have a better personality
Not prettier, but definitely thinner
Not as pretty as you, when you were her age
Define 'pretty'
Could you repeat the question?
I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question #5:
What would you do if I died?

A definite no-win question.
(The real answer, or course, is "Buy a Corvette.")
No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:
She....Would you get married again? - He.....Definitely not!
She....Why not - don't you like being married? - He.....Of course I do.
She....Then why wouldn't you remarry? - He.....Okay, I'd get married again.
She....You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) - He.....Yes, I would.
She....Would you sleep with her in our bed? - He.....Where else would we sleep?
She....Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? - He.....That would seem like the proper thing to do.
She....And would you let her use my golf clubs? - He.....She can't use them; she's left-handed.