Spooge's Spit Up - Tickle Me Elmo

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her.

The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything.

The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else.

The woman happily accepts..

He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired.

After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.

Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired.

She has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles.

They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says.....

"I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

Spooge's Spit Up - DUH!!!

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline.

Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:

Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

Spooge's Spit Up - Women

NEVER Try to outsmart women!!!

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,and was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me",

so, he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket; his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.

When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

Then, the undertakers locked the casket down, and rolled it away.

So, her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband".

The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I am a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him".

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?

I sure did", said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it".

Women Are Smarter Than Men

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away. I'm just an ordinary man", he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars".

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother.

Women's Revenge

"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

No", she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him.

Understanding Women (A Man's Perspective)
I know I am not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Wife vs Husband
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep", the wife replied, "in-laws".

Words
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men".

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Stupid and Beautiful
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time".

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

The Beast
Husband and wife were in the midst of a violent quarrel, and hubby was losing his temper.

Be careful", he said to his wife. "You will bring outthe beast in me".

"So what?" his wife shot back. "Who's afraid of a mouse?"

Coffee
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee".

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee".

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me".

So, she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS".

Who's the Boss

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride.

He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

The Accident

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.

Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days".

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man. The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches. Don't mess with us.

Spooge's Spit Up - Excuse Notes From Parents

These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

Quasi's Fun Vids - Am I Supposed To Be At This Meeting?!?

Quasi's Music - Voodoo People (Pendulum Remix) - Prodigy

Thanks goes to http://profile.imeem.com/F5da9-/music/

Spooge's Spit Up - Why?

Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Why do People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the f**k is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

Why are People willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

Why is it people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F***ing right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

Why do people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f**k would you keep looking after you've found it?

Why do people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f***ing floor.

Why do People ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Why is it people say "life is short". What the f**k?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f***ing does!! What can you do that's longer?

Why is it that when you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

Who do people say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

Why is it when you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

Why do people announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

Why do McDonalds staff pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering. It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger gets blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f***ing McTosser.

Why, when you're involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

Spooge's Spit Up - Aussie Teen Cracks Govt $A84m Porn Filter

A 16-year-old schoolboy has cracked the federal government's $A84 million ($NZ93 million) internet porn filter.

Tom Wood, a Year 10 student, told News Ltd newspapers it took him about 30 minutes to break through the government's new filter, released on Tuesday.
Tom, who attends a Melbourne private school, can deactivate the filter after several clicks.

His method ensures the software's toolbar icon is not deleted.
He can leave his parents believing the filter is still working.

Tom, a former cyber bullying victim, fears a computer-savvy child could put the bypass on the internet for others to use.

"It's a horrible waste of money," he said. "They could get a much better filter for a few million dollars made here rather than paying overseas companies for an ineffective one."

Communications Minister Helen Coonan said the government had anticipated children would find ways to get around the NetAlert filters.
Suppliers were contracted to provided updates, Senator Coonan said.
"The vendor is investigating the matter as a priority.
"Unfortunately, no single measure can protect children from online harm and. . . traditional parenting skills have never been more important."

Family First senator Steve Fielding, a cyber safety campaigner, said cracking the software highlighted the need for compulsory filtering by internet providers.

"You need both. You need it at the ISP and at the PC level," Senator Fielding said. "The Government has not listened to common sense and it leaves kids exposed."

Thanks to Stuff.co.nz for this story

Quasi's Fun Vids - The Knack

Thanks goes to the lovely lady in Melbourne for this

Quasi's Music

Thanks goes to http://dauze4life.imeem.com/music/

Spooge's Spit Up - Toilet Humour

Things to Say and Keep You Occupied While You Use the Throne

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
''Hmmm, I've never seen that color before.''
''Damn, this water is cold.''
Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
''Now how did that get there?''
''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,''Whoa! Easy boy!!''
'' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say,''Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

Spooge's Spit Up - Something to Offend Everyone

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Vacuum Cleaner?
The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A Northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneylandin China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Spooge's Spit Up - Tips for Dealing with Telemarketers

Dont you jest get so Annoyed when telemarketers call (usually when you are busy) and they are trying to sell you something that no one in their right mind would ever want - or even worse, they just want to do a survey?

Well here are some tips on how to deal with them!!!

If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name.

Then ask them to spell the company name.

Then ask them where it is located,

how long it has been in business,

how many people work there,

how they got into this line of work,

if they are married,

how many kids they have, etc.

Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

Say "no" over and over.

Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak.

This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.

If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"

If they start out with, "How are you today?" say,

"I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog has the gout..."

If the company cleans rugs, respond:

"Can you get out blood?

Can you get out goat blood?

How about human blood?"

Ask them to repeat everything they say several times.

Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.

"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .

When the salesperson asks, "Is this the homeowner?" say,

"Is this the salesperson?" And when they say, "Yes," hang up.

Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their home phone number so you can call them back.

When the telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,

"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?"

The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

These tips for telemarkets can bring much entertainment to many phonecalls from unwanted salespeople.

If you ever use these tricks or if you have any better tricks be sure to post a comment - I would love to hear them.

Quasi's Fun Vids - Bird Shit Repellant

Quasi's Fun Vids - Awesome Talent

Spooge's Spit Up - Company Policies

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

Company Policy

Effective May 8, 2006

Dress Code

It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.

If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

If you dresspoorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise .

Sick Days

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness.

If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days

Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.

They are called Saturday & Sunday.

Bereavement Leave

This is no excuse for missing work.

There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.

Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements.

In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon.

We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.

There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.

At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.

After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category".

Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so thatthey can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company.

We are here to provide a positive employment experience.

Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere .

Spooge's Spit Up - Emo

Spooge's Spit Up - Conflict Resolution

This was sent the other day with the note saying i should try using the "Try" approach and not the "Instead of" approach

1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3 Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: F*** off a*se-wipe

5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a f***.

7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my f***ing problem, mate.

8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the f***?

9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No f***ing chance mate.

10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in

Instead Of: Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, f*** face.

13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Spooge's Spit Up - Why Parent Drink

Why parents drink:

A boss wondered why Glen, one of his most valued employees, had not phoned in sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of their main properties, he dialledGlen's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper....

"hello "
"Is your daddy home?" he asked. "
yes ," whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, " no".
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommythere?"
" Yes."
"May I speak with her?"
Again, the small voice whispered, "No".
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked,
"Is anybody else there?"
" Yes ," whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
" No, he's busy. ", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman" , came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
" A Helicopter", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed ahelicopter."
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are theysearching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

" Me".

Thanks to Mistress Dirtbag for sending me this hehehe

Spooge's Spit Up - The Joys of Aging

Thanks to ALO for passing me these fun pics

Spooge's Spit Up - Monthly Madness

laugh out loud funny... read on

This is an actual letter sent to an American company Proctor and Gamble
regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the
first paragraph...

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years And
I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard
Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback
riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and
down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to
be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from
"the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is
starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces
violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body
will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call
"an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt Seen
quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers'
monthly visits from "Aunt Flo". Therefore, you must know about the
bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood
swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize
it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend
Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into
a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's
Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy!
The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the
reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach
inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and
there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy
Period." Are you fuc * ing kidding me? What I mean is, does any part Of
your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling,
laughing happiness is possible during a menstrual period?
Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did
it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be
anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on
Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't
march down to the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a
sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.
For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say
something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or
"Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bull sh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.

Best,

Wendi Aarons, Austin, TX

Spooge's Spit Up - Iwi Saver

IWI SAVER

Why save..you stupid?

Its been a long time coming but the IWI Saver is here.

This is far petter skeme than that Kiwi Saver cause you don’t contribute any of your income, they just gife you the moneys each fursday of each week and you get unlimited holitays, sick tays and when you visit the docs, you get a mean card called Community Surfuces card, makes pyuning Night and Days pils cheaper for resale.

If you have more kids, then your rate of IWI Saver goes up aswell, its qood for me cause I always wanted a big family.

As a bonus of joining the IWI Saver you get other such benefits such as chrain hard out at the YMCA and get to really no those horses your betting on by spending quality time at the TAB whilst the kids stand outside watching and apsorbing the petting strategy.

Aslo beofore I's forget, if you demonstrate that you are really poor, than IWI Saver could kive you the house you alfawys dreamed if to stay in at pelow market falue. And as a bonus your neighpours are mostly your cousins so its community atmosfer ay.

Apply now at your local Work and Income store. PS..its a kood job Bridgcorp got wasted cause I owe them founsands when I pought my Mazda Pongo van last week, oderwise it coudve been repossesioned.

Pye Pye

Thanks to my Mate THE FRIZZ for supplying todays blog joke lol

Spooge's Spit Up - Murphy's Law

For most of us, it's practically a fact of life that bread always falls buttered side down and the traffic's always worse when you're running late for work.

But now, scientist have come up with a mathematical formula proving that anything that can go wrong, really will go wrong. A panel of experts commissioned by British Gas has come up with a statistical rule for predicting Murphy's Law.

Scientists tested 1000 people before arriving at the formula that they believe allows people to calculate the chances of Murphy's Law striking, and then try and beat the bad luck. The factors that are taken into account when making the calculation, are:

the urgency of what you're doing;
the complexity of the task;
its importance;
your skill in it;
the frequency with which you do it;
and the amount of aggravation you're suffering.

The project's psychologist says that to reduce your chances of being struck by Murphy's Law, you need to change one of the elements in the equation.

For anyone interested in trying it out, here's the equation:

((U+C+I) x (10-S))/20 x A x 1/(1-sin(F/10))

In the calculation, five factors have to be assessed:

urgency (U),
complexity (C),
importance (I),
skill (S) and
frequency (F)

and each given a score between one and nine. A sixth, aggravation (A), was set at 0.7 by the experts after their poll.

Top of the most likely - and most annoying - events was spilling something down yourself before a date and the boiler breaking down in cold weather, followed by rush hour being worse when you're already late.

The equation has seven steps to forecasting a potential Murphy's Law moment, so you can work out which factors you need to change to avoid it:

Rate the urgency, importance and complexity on a scale of one to nine and add the three figures together
Rate from one to nine how skilled you are at the task, then subtract this from 10
Multiply answers to 1 and 2 and divide by 20
Rate from one to nine how frequently you perform the task and divide this by 10
Rate the sine (or sin) of your answer to step 4 and subtract this from 1
Divide 1 by your answer to step 5
Multiply your answer to step 3 by 0.7 and multiply this by your answer to step 6, and that's your Sod's Law rating.
The closer to 10 it is, the higher your risk of falling victim.

I'd be interested to hear your results. I'd particularly like to know if anyone can apply the formula to the US election and tell me if Murphy's Law will strike George Dubya Bush.

Lastly, here's an interesting conundrum I've been puzzling over:

Can Murphy's Law strike itself?

If so, would it then, like a double negative, cancel itself out such that everything that can go right, will go right?

Source: AAP

Thanks to the "Raw Prawn" for this great formula

Spooge's Spit Up - Miracle Cure

NEW - Miracle Cure!!!

* Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
* Do you suffer from shyness?
* Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

However, White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine is a major factor in dancing like a idiot.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked.

NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE or TEQUILA!!!

Spooge's Spit Up - Satans Wife

People were talking in their church pews when suddenly Satan appearedatthe front of the church with a flash of light and a cloud of sulfuroussmoke.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,tramplingeach other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.Sooneveryone had left the church except for one elderly gentleman who satcalmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact thatGod's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?Theman replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, AGONY foralleternity?" persisted Satan.
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraidof me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 48 years

Spooge's Spit Up - Assholes

A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions"To his first year medical students.
Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arse hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably fishing with his mates".
The Professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class...