This is great - more people should do this.... ROTFLOL
This was in response to "Leave Britney Alone!!!"
Do You Find This Offensive???
Busty tourist told to cover up or leave casino
TOP THIS: Helen Simpson believes she was discriminated against because she is well-endowed.
A night of celebration turned to humiliation when an English tourist's "offensive" breasts upset fellow punters at the Christchurch Casino.
Did the casino discriminate against Helen Simpson by asking her to leave?
Helen Simpson, 33, from Nottingham, was wearing a low-cut, black evening dress when a woman staff member told her to cover up or leave.
"She said I was wearing too low a top, which people found offensive," Ms Simpson said.
"I was highly embarrassed - humiliated, absolutely humiliated. There were girls at the casino wearing short skirts that I think are nothing more than belts."
"I feel like I've been discriminated against for having big breasts."
One of Ms Simpson's group lent her a zip-up top to cover her chest but the evening got worse when she learnt bar staff, croupiers and security staff had all been told.
Ms Simpson, a business manager for McDonald's who is in her third year studying human resource management, said the situation had been handled unprofessionally.
"All the staff were staring and the group of guys that complained - I'm sure it was them - were smiling."
Ms Simpson has written to casino management saying she left feeling "humiliated, discriminated and highly embarrassed".
She wrote: "Being well-endowed in the upper region is something I did not choose in life and something I'm certainly not proud of.
"In turn, have you ever been shopping for a formal cocktail dress that is accommodating to a size 14 woman with the top half demanding a size 20?"
Ms Simpson said it was discrimination. "You don't see women with small boobs being criticised, do you?"
Ms Simpson's boyfriend, Chris Olivier, 34, said he had found Kiwis to be polite and the incident had surprised him. "She'd changed quite a few times before we went out and I thought she looked really nice," he said. "It's just disappointing."
Casino chief executive Brett Anderson said he questioned Ms Simpson's motives in contacting media and he would respond to her personally.
"The person on duty at the time made a judgment call based on feedback," he said.
"Perhaps it could have been handled a little bit better but these are things I'll discuss when I draft a letter.
"It's not so much a matter of dress code than comments were received from people."
Post a comment with your opinion
Answers Given on a Bible Knowledge Test
- Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
- Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
- Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
- The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
- Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
- The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.
- The espistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
- Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.
- Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
- David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.
- The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.
- A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.
Thanks to my brother for this cool vid
Funny Videos
Thanks to Funny Junk for this vid
DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN
Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.
Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.
Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."
Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.
Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.
Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.
Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.
Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.
Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.
Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.
Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.
See "Magician."
Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.
Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."
Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!
Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."
Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.
Valentine\'s Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.
Thanks to Strange Cosmos
The Ferrari Formula 1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
The announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the UK government's youth opportunity scheme and employ young people from Liverpool.
The decision to hire them was brought about after a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew can only do it in 8 seconds will millions of euro's worth of high tech equipment.
Prime Minister Tony Blair went on record as saying this was a bold move by Ferrari management which demonstrated the international recognition of the UK under New Labour.
As most races are won and lost in the pits, Ferrari now have the advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari may have got more than they bargained for.
At the crew's first practise session, the Liverpool pit crew successfully changed the tyres in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had resprayed, re-badged and sold the vehicle to the McLaren team for 8 bottles of Stella, a kilo of speed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.
A guy sees a sign in front of a house in Luton UK:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Sure do." the dog replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the MI5 about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
The owner says, "Ten quid."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a fucking liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
Parody song about Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.
Thanks to M Smith for this fun parody
OMG What a Loser!!!
See what started all of this HERE
Some comments I agree with are:
what a LOSER
everyone lets cry over britney stupid spears shes the one f*ckin up her own carrer by drinking, partying, and having sex with every single guy and getting pregnant and not taking care of her sons
Why is he crying and yelling like a big baby for? Grow up and get over yourself!!!!! Also why the heck does he have eye make up on?!!! What a FREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha this guys a freak, he need help
umm........................i've got nothing to say. This is just umm........ I really dont know what to say.
NO YOUR NOT WELL
That's just freaky, that dude needs to get a life! Seriously
It's pretty painful to watch. he's right about the professionalism but still, he kinda over reacted =/.
Wow this is hilarious ...he has a point tho but still i never would've thought a dude would cry over a celebrity like that forget like that crying in general .....dude ur so effin kool u got sum mean cojones to post something like this
what the fuck?that was the funniest thing i've seen all fuckin day... he totally has a point...but seriously man.have some dignity.damn.
i think this is the most scariest thing iv'e ever seen
HOLY SHIT!!!!! holy shit that was the funniest thing ive ever seen!!!!! hoooooooo, deep breaths...
A Psychological TestThis is a genuine psychological test.
It is a story about a girl.
Whilst at the funeral of her own mother, she met this guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing, so much her dream guy she believed him to be, that she fell in love with him there and then.
A few days later the girl killed her own sister.
Question:
What is her motive in killing her sister? Stop and think for a minute before reading further.
The obvious answer, Mr Bundy?
She was hoping that the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in this test and answered it correctly.
If you didn't answer correctly - good for you.
If your friends hit the jackpot, may I suggest that you keep your distance.
Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Many Thanks go to THE MISTRESS DIRTBAG for this Great Calendar - Check out her site to say thanks... ;^)
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the motorway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"
"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped Helen Clark, Michael Cullen, Trevor Mallard and Sue Bradford.
They're asking for a $10 million ransom.
Otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
" Most people are giving about 4 litres"
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"
" Most people are giving about 4 litres"
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your mother. _________________________________________________________
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everybody at the party; A bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.
_________________________________________________________
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
_________________________________________________________
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.
_________________________________________________________
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.
_________________________________________________________
Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last donut.
_________________________________________________________
The three words men hate to hear most during sex :
"Are you in?"
_________________________________________________________
The three words women hate to hear most during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!"
Scottish Sympathy
Bono, the lead singer of the band U2, is famous throughout theentertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience fortotal quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands,once every few seconds.
Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."
A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from the front of the crowd, pierces the quiet .............
"Well, foockin stop doin it then!"
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie.
Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group.
As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy.
She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.''
The three stars looked at each other and agreed.
They then went into the jungle to look for some food Spielberg was the first to come back.
He came up to the altar and offered grapes.
She tasted one and immediately spat it out.
She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass.
The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples.
The same thing happened to him, but causiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass.
Spielberg was shocked.
Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing.
He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied
''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''
Strange Questions That Will Always Remain Unanswered.
1. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
2. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
3. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
4. Is there another word for synonym?
5. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?"
6. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a planecrash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
7. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
8. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
9. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
10. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
11. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
12. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
13. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
16. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
17. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
18. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
19. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
This guy is one smug son of a bitch, but if I were in his position I think I would have done the exact same thing lol
Part 1
Part 2
This chick sucks so much - she lip sync's her own song while proving that she cannot dance and likes to dress like a stripper - Man she sure proved that she should just give up and accept her life as trailer trash.
Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question.
You have to answer them instantly.
You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?
Let's find out just how clever you really are.
Ready?
GO!!! (scroll down)
First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!
Try not to screw up in the next question.
To answer the second question, don't take as much time as you took for the first question.
Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again.
Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?
You're not very good at this! Are you?
Third Question:
Very tricky math! Note:
This must be done in your head only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.
Take 1000 and add 40 to it.
Now add another 1000.
Now add 30.
Add another 1000.
Now add 20.
Now add another 1000
Now add 10.
What is the total?
Scroll down for answer.
Did you get 5000?
The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it?
Check with your calculator!
Today is definitely not your day.
Maybe you will get the last question right?
Fourth Question:
Mary's father has five daughters:
1. Nana,
2. Nene,
3. Nini,
4. Nono.
What is the name of the fifth daughter?
Answer:
Nunu? NO! Of course not.
Her name is Mary.
Read the question again
Okay, now the bonus round:
There is a mute person who wants to buy a toothbrush.
By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself?
He just has to open his mouth and ask, so simple.
KEEP THIS GOING TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.
When Chuck Norris goes swimming he doesn't get wet, the water gets Chuck Norrised.
When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Chuck Norris invented every colour. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; No-one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can speak Braille.
Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pyjamas.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1993 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris divides by zero.
When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now".
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalised, Chuck spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
Thanks to imeem
Three Things to Ponder:
1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments
C O W S
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
T H E C O N S T I T U T I O N
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq.
Why don't we just give them ours?
It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
T H E 1 0 C O M M A N D M E N T S
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment
Submitted by John P.
"If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving."
Henry Youngman.
"If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?"
Steven Wright.
"Monica Seles: I'd hate to be next door to her on her wedding night."
PeterUstinov. (grunt)
"I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them."
Steve Martin
"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women."
Groucho Marx
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Reporter: Tell me, how did you find America?
John Lennon: Turned left at Greenland.
A Hard Day's Night
Mrs Johnson..has it all worked OUT.
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- caret diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, shimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
Mrs. Johnson decided to have her own portrait painted by a very famous artist.
She told the artist, "Paint me with 3- caret diamond earrings, a large diamond necklace, shimmering emerald bracelets, and a beautiful red ruby pendant."
"But ma'am, you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want the b**** to go nuts looking for the jewelry!!!
Dan the Man
Three Australians were in a bar and spotted a New Zealander.
So, one of the Australians walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your Daniel Carter is a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Puzzled, the Australian walked back to his buddies. "I told him Daniel Carter is a faggot, and he didn't care."
The second Australian remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Australian walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your Daniel Carter is a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Australian went back to his buddies. You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Australian remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Australian walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear Daniel Carter is an Australian!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in France getting ready to watch the upcoming Rugby World
Cup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate and testicular problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a second opinion, eh!"
The second French doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an xpat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you have prostate sickness, eh"
"What's the cure then doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those French bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Three Australians were in a bar and spotted a New Zealander.
So, one of the Australians walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your Daniel Carter is a faggot."
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.
Puzzled, the Australian walked back to his buddies. "I told him Daniel Carter is a faggot, and he didn't care."
The second Australian remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn."
So, the second Australian walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your Daniel Carter is a transvestite faggot!"
"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."
Shocked beyond belief, the Australian went back to his buddies. You're right. He's unshakable!"
The third Australian remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch."
So the third Australian walked over to the New Zealander, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear Daniel Carter is an Australian!"
"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in France getting ready to watch the upcoming Rugby WorldCup and was not feeling well, so he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, eh" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate and testicular problems and that the only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a second opinion, eh!"
The second French doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an xpat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you have prostate sickness, eh"
"What's the cure then doc?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "We're gonna have to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thank god for that!" said Wiremu, "those French bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
A South African rugby fan, an Australian rugby fan and a New Zealand fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them.
The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment.
By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.
As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced:
"It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."
The South African fan was first in line, he thought for a while and then said:
"Please tie a pillow to my back."
This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through.
When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.
The Australian was next up.
After watching the South African in horror he said smugly:
"Please fix two pillows to my back."
But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Australian was soon led away whimpering loudly (as they do).
The New Zealander was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said:
"You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!".
"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", The Kiwi replied.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."
"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave".
The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face.
"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.
"Tie the Aussie to my back."
How to put the right person in the right Job?
Does your Company have a problem in recruiting the right person for the right Job? If yes, try this simple experiment.
Put around 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2-3 candidates into the room and close it from outside.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours, and then analyze the situation:
If they are counting and recounting the number of bricks
PUT THEM IN ACCOUNTS DEPT.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks
PUT THEM IN ENGINEERING
If they are arranging the bricks in some other order
PUT THEM IN PLANNING.
If they are throwing the bricks at each other
PUT THEM IN OPERATIONS.
If they are sleeping
PUT THEM IN SECURITY.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces
PUT THEM IN INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY.
If they are sitting idle
PUT THEM IN HUMAN RESOURCE DEPT.
If they have thrown the bricks out of the window
PUT THEM IN THE MATERIALS DEPT.
If they are clinging onto the bricks
PUT THEM IN TREASURY.
If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has moved
PUT THEM IN SALES.
If they have already left for the day
PUT THEM IN MARKETING.
If they are staring out of the window
PUT THEM IN STRATEGIC PLANNING
AND last but not least.... If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved
PUT THEM IN TOP MANAGEMENT.
Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a whole courtroom full of lawyers hostage?
They threatened to release one every hour until their demands where met.
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
How are an apple and a lawyer alike?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb.
Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb . . .
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
What are lawyers good for?
They make used car salesmen look good.
What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common?
They're both extinct.
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being.
What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement?
Not enough cement.
What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
What happens to a lawyer who jumps out of a plane at 35,000 feet without a parachute?
Who cares?
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.
What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
What type of apparel is the most popular with lawyers?
Law-suits.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of dirt?
The bucket.
What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar?
The pronunciation.
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wingtips.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer?
One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect.
What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
The nearest cemetery.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
To practice.
Why does California have the most lawyers in the country, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice.
Why don't lawyers go to the beach?
Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
Another lawyer.
What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.
What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.
Thanks to Strange Cosmos
A Few Things To Think About:Can you cry under water?
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How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
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What disease did cured ham actually have?
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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?
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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
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If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
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Does the Alphabet song have the same tune as Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star ?
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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
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Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Thanks to ruxik stef for this music post
In the beginning, God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, combined with an abundance of green, yellow and red vegetables.
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Kapiti Ice Cream.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too . . . with sprinkles."
And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman fastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied:"Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . . . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The New Zealand Public Health System
He did this so that Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then, using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Whip and Kapiti Ice Cream.
And Satan said: "You want hot fudge with that?" And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said: "I'll have one too . . . with sprinkles."
And lo and behold they gained 10 pounds.
And so God created the healthful yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane, and combined them.
And Woman went from size 2 to size 14.
So God said: "Try my fresh green garden salad."
And Satan presented crumbled Bleu Cheese dressing and garlic toast on the side.
And Man and Woman fastened their belts following the repast.
God then said: "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth deep-fried squid rings, butter-dipped lobster chunks, and fried chicken so big it needed its own platter.
And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthful skin, sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep-fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.
And Man packed on more pounds.
God then brought forth running shoes so that his children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan introduced cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels.
And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretchy lycra jogging suits.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonald's and the 99-cent double cheeseburger.
Then Satan said: "You want fries with that?" And Man replied:"Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed . . . and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
Satan chuckled and created The New Zealand Public Health System
Which baby are you?
January
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.
February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
March
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive.
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
April
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing.
Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves
>traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High-spirited.
June
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around.
You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!
July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly.
Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.
>Loves to be alone. Always broods about th e past and the old friends.
Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
August
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful.
Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious.
Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.
September
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic.
Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional.
>Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others.
Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
October
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
November
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
December
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible...
Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic.
Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke.
Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative.
Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt.
Sensitive.
January
Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. sensitive. Down-to-Earth. Stubborn.
February
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever.
Changing personality. Attractive. Sexiest out of everyone. Temperamental.
Quiet, shy and humble. Honest And loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Horny. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside.
Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.
March
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate Shy and reserved. Secretive.
Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity.
Sensitive to others. Great kisser. Easily angered. Trustworthy.
Appreciative and returns kindness. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Observant and assesses others.
April
Suave and compromising. Funny and humorous. Stubborn. Very talkative. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well with others. Very confidant. Sensitive. Positive Attitude. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Able to cheer everyone up and/or make them laugh. Able to motivate oneself and others. Understanding. Fun to be around. Outgoing.
Hyper. Bubbly personality. Secretive. Boy/girl crazy. Loves sports, music, leisure and traveling. Systematic. Hot but has brains.
May
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Shy towards opposite sex. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves
>traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children.
Hardworking. High-spirited.
June
You've got the best personality and are an absolute pleasure to be around.
You love to make new friends and be outgoing. You are a great flirt and more than likely have an a very attractive partner. a wicked hottie. It is also more than likely that you have a massive record collection. You have a great choice in films, and may one day become a famous actor/actress yourself - heck, you've got the looks for it!!!
July
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly.
Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. spazzy at times. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying.
>Loves to be alone. Always broods about th e past and the old friends.
Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked.
Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
August
Outgoing personality. takes risks. feeds on attention. No self-control.
Kind hearted. Self-confident. Loud and boisterous. VERY revengeful. Easy to get along with and talk to. Has an "every thing's peachy" attitude. Likes talking and singing. Loves music. Daydreamer. Easily distracted. Hates not being trusted. BIG imagination. Loves to be loved. Hates studying. in need of "that someone". Longs for freedom. Rebellious when withheld or restricted. Lives by "no pain no gain" caring. Always a suspect. Playful.
Mysterious. "charming" or "beautiful" to everyone. stubborn. curious.
Independent. Strong willed. A fighter.
September
Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic.
Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless.
Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Usually you have many friends. Enjoys to make love. Emotional.
>Stubborn. Hasty. Good memory. Moving, motivates oneself and others.
Loves to travel and explore. Sometimes sexy in a way that only their lover can understand.
October
Loves to chat. Loves those who love them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn't pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Brave and fearless. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care to control emotions. Unpredictable. Extremely smart, but definitely the hottest AND sexiest of them all.
November
Trustworthy and loyal. Very passionate and dangerous. Wild at times. Knows how to have fun. Sexy and mysterious. Everyone is drawn towards your inner and outer beauty and independent personality. Playful, but secretive. Very emotional and temperamental sometimes. Meets new people easily and very social in a group. Fearless and independent. Can hold their own. Stands out in a crowd. Essentially very smart. Usually, the greatest men are born in this month. If you ever begin a relationship with someone from this month, hold on to them because their one of a kind.
December
This straight-up means you are the most good-looking person possible...
Better than all of these other months! Loyal and generous. Patriotic.
Competitive in everything. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Easy to talk to, though hard to understand. Thinks far with vision, yet complicated to know. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke.
Good debating skills. Has that someone always on his/her mind. Talkative.
Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Abiding. Able to show character. One guy/girl kind of person. Loveable. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves music. Pretty/handsome. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt.
Sensitive.
I Love this DOCTOR!!!!
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!
Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Remember,"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arrivingsafely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride"
Thanks to David Kuchurivskyy aka That Ukranian for this music
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?"
The teacher asked, "Eddy what is your problem?"
Eddy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough.
She took Eddy to the principal's office.
While Eddy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed.
Eddy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Eddy: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Eddy: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Eddy can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Eddy both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Eddy, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Eddy replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Eddy: "Pants"
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Eddy: Coconut
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Eddy was taking charge.
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Eddy: Bubblegum
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Eddy: Shake hands
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Eddy: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. Eddy: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Eddy: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good. Eddy: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Eddy: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Eddy: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Eddy in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
VIRGO
The Perfectionist Dominant in relationships. Conservative. Always wants the last word. Argumentative. Worries. Very smart. Dislikes noise and chaos. Eager. Hardworking. Loyal. Beautiful. Easy to talk to. Hard to please. Harsh Practical and very fussy. Often shy. Pessimistic.
SCORPIO
The Intense One Very energetic. Intelligent. Can be jealous and/or possessive. Hardworking Great kisser. Can become obsessive or secretive. Holds grudges. Attractive. Determined. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Romantic. Can be self-centered at times. Passionate and Emotional.
LIBRA
The Harmonizer Nice to everyone they meet. Can't make up their mind. Have own unique appeal. Creative, energetic, and very social. Hates to be alone. Peaceful, generous. Very loving and beautiful. Flirtatious. Give in too easily. Procrastinators. Very gullible.
ARIES
The Daredevil Energetic. Adventurous and spontaneous. Confident and enthusiastic. Fun. Loves a challenge. EXTREMELY impatient. Sometimes selfish. Short fuse. (easily angered.) Lively, passionate, and sharp wit. Outgoing. Lose interest quickly - easily bored. Egotistical. Courageous and assertive. Tends to be physical and athletic.
AQUARIUS
The Sweetheart Optimistic and honest. Sweet personality. Very independent. Inventive and intelligent. Friendly and loyal. Can seem unemotional. Can be a bit rebellious. Very stubborn, but original and unique. Attractive on the inside and out. Eccentric personality.
GEMINI
The Chatterbox Smart and witty. Outgoing, very chatty. Lively, energetic. Adaptable but needs to express themselves. Argumentative and outspoken. Likes change. Versatile. Busy, sometimes nervous and tense. Gossips. May seem superficial or inconsistent, But is only changeable. Beautiful physically and mentally.
LEO
The Boss Very organized. Need order in their lives - like being in control. Like boundaries. Tend to take over everything. Bossy. Like to help others. Social and outgoing. Extroverted. Generous, warm-hearted. Sensitive. Creative energy. Full of themselves. Loving. D oing the right thing is important to Leos. Attractive.
CANCER
The Protector Moody, emotional. May be shy. Very loving and caring. Pretty/handsome. Excellent partners for life. Protective. Inventive and imaginative. Cautious. Touchy-feely kind of person. Needs love from others. Easily hurt, but sympathetic.
PISCES
The Dreamer Generous, kind, and thoughtful. Very creative and imaginative. May become secretive and vague. Sensitive. Don't like details. Dreamy and unrealistic. Sympathetic and loving. Kind. Unselfish. Good kisser. Beautiful.
CAPRICORN
The Go-Getter Patient and wise. Practical and rigid. Ambitious. Tends to be good-looking. Humorous and funny. Can be a bit shy and reserved. Often pessimists. Capricorns tend to act before they think and can be unfriendl y at times. Hold grudges. Like competition. Get what they want.
TAURUS
The Enduring One Charming but aggressive. Can come off as boring, but they are not. Hard workers. Warm-hearted. Strong, has endurance. Solid beings who are stable and secure in their ways. Not looking for shortcuts. Take pride in their beauty. Patient and reliable. Make great friends and give good advice Loving and kind. Loves hard - passionate. Express themselves emotionally. Prone to ferocious temper-tantrums. Determined. Indulge themselves often. Very generous.
SAGITTARIUS
The Happy-Go-Lucky OneGood-natured optimist. Doesn't want to grow up (Peter Pan Syndrome). Indulges self. Boastful. Likes luxuries and gambling. Social and outgoing. Doesn't like responsibilities. Often fantasizes. Impatient. Fun to be around. Having lots of friends. Flirtatious. Doesn't like rules. Sometimes hypocritical. Dislikes being confined - tight spaces or even tight clothes. Doesn't like being doubted. Beautiful inside and out.
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