In Nebraska, a parent can be arrested if his or her child can't hold back a burp during a church service. It is also against the law to sneeze in a Nebraska church. Meanwhile in God-fearing Alabama, it is illegal to wear a false moustache which causes laughter in church.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Deliciously sarcastic.
Example: Beth destroyed her debate opponent with an elegant, sarcasmic wit.
Do you need any better reason to watch bones....NOM!?!
Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr . in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN ?
MEN strual cramps
MEN tal breakdown
MEN opause
GUY necologist
AND ..
When we have REAL trouble, it's a
HIS terectomy .
A History of Thanksgiving
1492
Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620
Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671
First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701
At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776
Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812
At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860
At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.
1903
Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928
To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929
Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957
Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969
The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.
1991
When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997
Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.
2002
America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD's in containers bound for the US.
1492
Christopher Columbus discovers America, unless you count the native peoples already living there. Columbus doesn't. Columbus and crew celebrate by holding a dinner, giving thanks for their safe arrival. Embarrassment ensues when every Indian brings maize, and nobody brings pumpkin pie.
1620
Pilgrim men invent sport of football to avoid helping clean up after Thanksgiving dinner.
1671
First embarrassing drunken relatives at Thanksgiving dinner, as Captain John Smith's parents tell Pocahontas the "hilarious" old "I got lost in the maize" joke for the hundredth time.
1701
At a historic Thanksgiving dinner, Dutch settlers unveil historic "Indians Give Us All Of Their Land Treaty." Due to an unfortunate oversight, the Indians are left off of the invite list, and the treaty is signed without them.
1776
Excited that his British in-laws finally agreed to meet him for Thanksgiving dinner, silversmith Paul Revere rides through Boston announcing the news. Unfortunately, many colonists misinterpret his cry "the British are coming!" as a warning, leading to the Revolutionary War.
1812
At an international Thanksgiving dinner, King George of England, still hurting from losing the Revolutionary War, challenges United States President James Madison to "best 2 out of 3."
1860
At a Senate Thanksgiving dinner, the seven-year-old son of Alabama's Senator Richard Applebee insults the Senators from Massachusetts, New York, and Pennsylvania, sparking the Civil War. The tradition of the "children's table" is instituted in 1861.
1903
Canada steals idea of Thanksgiving holiday, placing it in October, so they can say it was their idea first.
1928
To commemorate "our nation's greatest era of prosperity that will last forever and ever," President Herbert Hoover dumps ceremonial ten thousand turkeys into the Potomac River.
1929
Following the Great Stock Market Crash, thousands of men go Turkey Diving in the Potomac River.
1957
Declaring her spicy stuffing "a communist threat to undermine my health via heartburn," Senator Joe McCarthy has his wife placed under arrest as a Soviet saboteur.
1969
The world's largest Eat-In event goes sour. Thousands of hippies start having bad trips when bad "brown gravy" gets passed around.
1991
When Dan Quayle takes ill on Thanksgiving; a turkey is sworn as Vice President for three days. No change is noticed.
1997
Strong natural tranquilizer tryptophane is discovered in turkey. A Colombian cartel immediately starts selling "pure" turkey on the streets for $500 an ounce. Turkey farmers get involved in drive-by shootings, and the U.S. government declares a national fowl emergency.
2002
America is on a terrorist alert. It is now against the law to stuff a turkey since anyone is suspicious of hiding explosives. Saddam Hussein is caught trying to smuggle Turkeys filled with WMD's in containers bound for the US.
A Toast for Friends & Family Here’s to friends both near and far: Here’s to woman, man’s guiding star:
Here’s to friends we’ve yet to meet,
Here’s to those here: all here I greet:
Here’s to childhood, youth, old age,
Here’s to prophet, bard and sage,
Here’s to health to every one,
Peace on earth, and heaven won!
-------------------
"Real abundance is found when we join hands with those we love."
anon
Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude.
E.P. Powell
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
George Carlin
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck
Here’s to friends we’ve yet to meet,
Here’s to those here: all here I greet:
Here’s to childhood, youth, old age,
Here’s to prophet, bard and sage,
Here’s to health to every one,
Peace on earth, and heaven won!
-------------------
"Real abundance is found when we join hands with those we love."
anon
Thanksgiving Day is a jewel, to set in the hearts of honest men; but be careful that you do not take the day, and leave out the gratitude.
E.P. Powell
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
George Carlin
Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
Erma Bombeck
Romanian folk singer Joan Melu failed to sell a single ticket
for her gig at the 2200 seater Capitol Theatre in
Melbourne in 1980.
Despite the absence of an audience, she proceeded to
fulfil her contractual obligation by giving a two
hour performance, complete with interval and encores
fulfil her contractual obligation by giving a two
hour performance, complete with interval and encores
Origin: Unknown
Definition: that which is not only damaged, but is damaged beyond repair. Generally used to describe something in writing.
Example: This has been damnaged.
Three men (ages 44, 38 and 17) and three women (ages 27, 26 and 21) face felony charges after they figured out how to remove metal ceiling panels to sneak between cell blocks to have sex. They used their secret passageway at least a dozen times in the past 2 months in what they explain was created 'to help pass their time behind bars.'read more | digg story
Two men who sold prosthetic penises enabling drugcheats to give fake urine samples have pleaded guilty to conspiracy in the United States, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported.
Gerald Wills and Robert Catalano, the president and vice president of Puck Technology, entered guilty pleas Monday (local time) at a federal court in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
They were charged last month with selling the Whizzinator penis - a lifelike device used to emit clean, realistically warm urine instead of the user's true urine.
The device, which came with its own heating and Yellow River urine packs, was sold on the internet.
Wills, 65, and Catalano, 62, both from California, face sentencing on February 20, the Post-Gazette said.
Puck Technology has stopped operating, the report said.
- AFP
Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'
'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'
Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'
Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.
One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.
The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'
The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'
'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'
'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'
'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'
The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'
'You a smoker?' the demon asked.
'You better believe it!'
'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'
'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'
The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'
'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'
'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'
The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . '
'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'
'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'
The demon said, 'You gay?'
'No.'
'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'
Benjamin Franklin awnted the US national bird to be the Turkey, rather than the Eagle. He considered the Eagle to be "a bird of bad moral character".
Origin: Based on Walter Matthau's Character in Grumpy Old Men
Definition: Waltered, to walter. To curse, swear, rant or rave in a completely unintelligible manner
Example: You, upon dropping a hammer on your foot: GAB HOOPER! NABBAFRAk-A-BIT! Muzst Carn SHEEBAN-A-FLABBIT! Friend: Just chill out. Stop waltering and get some ice.
When the first London Underground escalators were installed at Earls Court in 1911, a man with a wooden leg, "Bumper" Harris, was hired to ride up and down the escalators all day to reassure the public of their safety.
Origin: Geek Speak
Definition: One who is addicted to the programming language Visual Basic.
Example: John has VBAddicism. He lost his job from being overly active in Visual Basic.
Definition: One who is addicted to the programming language Visual Basic.
Example: John has VBAddicism. He lost his job from being overly active in Visual Basic.
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
Here are the answers:
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
...Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
....One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
... Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
...No. He must be dead if it is his widow.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
.... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
...Two (2). You take two apples, therefore YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
.....One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
.... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
..... None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
.... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
....Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? Twelve. It's a dozen.
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
....Georgw W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.
So, how did we do?
13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.
10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.
7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct..........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!
1-3 correct..........IDIOT...what else can be said?
0 correct......CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?
11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
Here are the answers:
1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No?
...Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.
2. How many birthdays does the average man have?
....One (1). You can only be born once.
3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?
....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.
4. How many outs are there in an inning?
... Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.
5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?
...No. He must be dead if it is his widow.
6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?
.... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.
7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?
...Two (2). You take two apples, therefore YOU have TWO apples.
8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?
.....One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.
9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?
.... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.
10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark?
..... None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.
11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh?
.... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.
12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?
....Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? Twelve. It's a dozen.
13. What was the President's name in 1960?
....Georgw W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.
So, how did we do?
13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.
10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.
7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?
4-6 correct..........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!
1-3 correct..........IDIOT...what else can be said?
0 correct......CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!
Alfred Hitchcock
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
Clint Eastwood
"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."
Alfred Hitchcock
"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it."
Roger Ebert
"Every great film should seem new every time you see it."
Kareem Abdul-Jabar
"My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay."
Kenneth Tynan
"The greatest films are those which show how society shapes man. The greatest plays are those which show how man shapes society."
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder."
Clint Eastwood
"This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country."
Alfred Hitchcock
"A good film is when the price of the dinner, the theatre admission and the babysitter were worth it."
Roger Ebert
"Every great film should seem new every time you see it."
Kareem Abdul-Jabar
"My mother had to send me to the movies with my birth certificate, so that I wouldn't have to pay the extra fifty cents that the adults had to pay."
Kenneth Tynan
"The greatest films are those which show how society shapes man. The greatest plays are those which show how man shapes society."
Following Jigsaw's grisly demise, Mark Hoffman, the final apprentice to the serial killer is deigned a hero. Meanwhile, Agent Strahm is tested and puts the pieces together. While Strahm realizes that Hoffman is helping Jigsaw, five seemingly unconnected people face a horrible lesson about teamwork.
Strahm follows all the leads he can get off Hoffman, including the death of his sister and why he joined Jigsaw. Hoffman and Strahm circle each other until it boils down to a gruesome and bone-crushing finale.
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Password: persiamovie.org
In 1846, two desert snails were given to the Natural History Museum as dead exhibits. They were glued on a small tablet and put on display. Four years later, museum staff noticed that one of the snails appeared to be still alive and placed it in lukewarm water. It recovered, started feeding and lived for another two years
Origin: Unknown
Definition: A planet of a solar system whose existence is certain, but not identified exactly yet.
Example: There are a lot of gamasterons in our galaxy. She is like a gamasteron in that you never know for sure where she is.
Definition: A planet of a solar system whose existence is certain, but not identified exactly yet.
Example: There are a lot of gamasterons in our galaxy. She is like a gamasteron in that you never know for sure where she is.
But can you tell what it is?
Are they Pens with Cameras?
Any wild guesses? No clue yet?
Ladies and gentlemen... congratulations!
You've just looked into the future... yep that's right!
You've just seen something that will replace your PC in the near future.
Here is how it works:
In the revolution of miniature computers, scientists have made great developments with bluetooth technology.. .
This is the forthcoming computers you can carry within your pockets .
This "pen sort of instrument" produces both the monitor as well as the keyboard on any flat surfaces from where you can carry out functions you would normally do on your desktop computer.
Say Goodbye to Laptops
Are they Pens with Cameras?
Any wild guesses? No clue yet?
Ladies and gentlemen... congratulations!
You've just looked into the future... yep that's right!
You've just seen something that will replace your PC in the near future.
Here is how it works:
In the revolution of miniature computers, scientists have made great developments with bluetooth technology.. .
This is the forthcoming computers you can carry within your pockets .
This "pen sort of instrument" produces both the monitor as well as the keyboard on any flat surfaces from where you can carry out functions you would normally do on your desktop computer.
Say Goodbye to Laptops
What Happens When White Pussy Walks Through A Black Neighborhood
The Correct Way to Come Home Drunk...
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
" You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says
" Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! and she acts like she's sound asleep!"
Works Every Time.
Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says,
" You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late."
His friend looks at him and says
" Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the ass and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!! and she acts like she's sound asleep!"
Works Every Time.
HOW TO HANDLE IRRITATING SEATMATES ON AN AEROPLANE
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
6. Then hit this link
This is So Sick and Yet So Funny
If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you, follow these instructions:
1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
2. Remove your laptop.
3. Start up.
4. Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
5. Close your eyes, tilt your head up to the sky & move your lips as if praying
6. Then hit this link
This is So Sick and Yet So Funny
I dont care what mag he was in... This guy can take me to his cave anyday!
A Kinkajou's tail is twice as long as its body. At night it wraps itself up in its tail and uses it as a pillow.
Origin: Geek Speak
Definition: Someone who pretends to know more about computers than she really does
and continually tries to baffle friends with techno talk.
Example: Peter talks all the time about internet details. Yes, he's a technogob, replied John.
Definition: Someone who pretends to know more about computers than she really does
and continually tries to baffle friends with techno talk.
Example: Peter talks all the time about internet details. Yes, he's a technogob, replied John.
The complete top 10 list included:
10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas
9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.
8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.
7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.
6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.
5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston
4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.
3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)
2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.
1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.
10. Tater Peeler Road in Lebanon, Texas
9. The intersection of Count and Basie in Richmond, Va.
8. Shades of Death Road in Warren County, N.J.
7. Unexpected Road in Buena, N.J.
6. Bucket of Blood Street in Holbrook, Ariz.
5. The intersection of Clinton and Fidelity in Houston
4. The intersection of Lonesome and Hardup in Albany, Ga.
3. Farfrompoopen Road in Tennessee (the only road up to Constipation Ridge)
2. Divorce Court in Heather Highlands, Pa.
1. Psycho Path in Traverse City, Mich.
All I ever wanted to be was happy.
Ditzy dumb blonde? I can be ditzy. I can be.
I got a heart tattooed on my foot. It's my first tattoo.
I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.
I noted that people are happy here in India. When I went back home, people had everything in the materialistic sense and were surrounded with abundance, but they were not happy.
I wrote the book because I wanted to be able to share some things that I had learned and as pompous as that may sound, as you get to a certain point in life, you figure so what am I doing?
I'm a woman who was raised to believe that you are not complete unless you have a man. Well, in some ways it's true. I am a feminist to a point. But I'm not going to deny the fact that I love to be with men.
It is not the question, what am I going to be when I grow up; you should ask the question, who am I going to be when I grow up.
My eyes are too big, my nose is too flat, my ears stick out, my mouth is too big and my face is too small... my body is thin as a clarinet and my ankles are so skinny that I wear two pairs of bobby socks because I don't want people to see how thin they are.
Ditzy dumb blonde? I can be ditzy. I can be.
I got a heart tattooed on my foot. It's my first tattoo.
I have witnessed the softening of the hardest of hearts by a simple smile.
I noted that people are happy here in India. When I went back home, people had everything in the materialistic sense and were surrounded with abundance, but they were not happy.
I wrote the book because I wanted to be able to share some things that I had learned and as pompous as that may sound, as you get to a certain point in life, you figure so what am I doing?
I'm a woman who was raised to believe that you are not complete unless you have a man. Well, in some ways it's true. I am a feminist to a point. But I'm not going to deny the fact that I love to be with men.
It is not the question, what am I going to be when I grow up; you should ask the question, who am I going to be when I grow up.
My eyes are too big, my nose is too flat, my ears stick out, my mouth is too big and my face is too small... my body is thin as a clarinet and my ankles are so skinny that I wear two pairs of bobby socks because I don't want people to see how thin they are.
You experience an average of four dreams a night, and in the course of that, your dreams become progressively longer. Your first dream of the night may only last around 10 minutes, but your final dream will invariably last as long as 45 minutes
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Utter chaos, as if a kitten has run through the room or a situation.
Example: The wind left her hair kittywompus.
Definition: Utter chaos, as if a kitten has run through the room or a situation.
Example: The wind left her hair kittywompus.
There are two kinds of people in this world. Some people will look at a construction crane and think "Oh, look, it's a construction crane." Others will look at that same crane and think, "Oh, hey, I've gotta go have sex on that construction crane, right this second."
#5. At Work
#5. At Work
Having sex at work is rather mundane and, if our nation's schools are any indication, pretty much everyone is doing it these days. However, even the most mundane and vanilla scenarios get a boost when you toss in a vacuum named Henry that has a face on it.
"Dear Penthouse..."
One night in England, a Polish contractor working late on a children's hospital decided that the stress of the day and/or the hotness of an electronic suction device with a cartoon smile on it was too much to resist and got down on his hands and knees to make Henry a man. A passing security guard saw the man defiling the machine and requested that he clean himself and the Hoover up before leaving the premises. In fairness, Henry was totally asking for it.
The Western and Eastern Approach to Life - Have a Laugh
Blue --> Westerner
Red --> Asian
B: Talk to the point
R: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself.
R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time.
R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only.
R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry.
R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner.
R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.
R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group.
R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.
R: Talk and laugh loudly like they own the restaurant.
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery.
R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems.
R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed.
R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection.
R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship.
R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is: rain is pain.
R: The more the rain, more prosperity ..
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team.
R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine
R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.
R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
Blue --> Westerner
Red --> Asian
B: Talk to the pointR: Talk around the circle, especially if different opinions
Way of Life
B: individualism, think of himself or herself. R: enjoy gathering with family and friends, solving their problems, and know each other's business (keh poh).
Punctuality
B: on time. R: in time.
Contacts
B: Contact to related person only.R: Contact everyone everywhere, business very successful.
Anger
B: Show that I am angry. R: I am angry, but still smiling... (beware!)
Queue when Waiting
B: Queuing in an orderly manner.R: Queuing?! What's that?
Sundays on the Road
B: Enjoy weekend relaxing peacefully.R: Enjoy weekend in crowded places, like going to the mall.
Party
B: Only gather with their own group. R: All focus on the one activity that is hosted by the CEO .
In the restaurant
B: Talk softly and gently in the restaurant.R: Talk and laugh loudly like they own the restaurant.
Travelling
B: Love sightseeing and enjoy the scenery. R: Taking picture is the most important, scenery is just for the background.
Handling of Problems
B: Take any steps to solve the problems. R: Try to avoid conflicts, and if can, don't leave any trail.
Three meals a day
B: Good meal for once a day is sufficed. R: At least 3 good meals a day.
Transportation
B: Before drove cars, now cycling for environmental protection. R: Before no money and rode a bike, now got money and drive a car .
Elderly in day to day life
B: When old, there is snoopy for companionship. R: When old, guarantee will not be lonely, as long as willing to baby-sit the grandkids.
Moods and Weather
B: The logic is: rain is pain. R: The more the rain, more prosperity ..
The Boss
B: The boss is part of the team. R: The boss is a Fierce god.
What's Trendy
B: Healthy Asian cuisine R: Expensive Western cuisine.
The Child
B: The kid is going to be independent and make his/her own living.R: Work, live and all for the kids, the centre of life.
When the French Revolutionaries stormed the Bastille in 1789, instead of finding hundreds of prisoners, they discovered just seven. Undaunted, the Revolutionaries decided to destroy the building - which they say as a monument to royal power and oppression - at once. It took them three years to pull it down.
Origin: Derived from gay-ish
Definition: Describing a thing which is gay.
Example: His hot pink belly shirt is so gaish.
Definition: Describing a thing which is gay.
Example: His hot pink belly shirt is so gaish.
Have you ever seen one like that???
Calm down...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Its just... a Panda baby!!!
What were you thinking???
So ....
there you are,
having a
dinner party .....
Your parents
are there ,
Your in-laws
are there ,
Your boss and
his wife
are there ,
The minister and
his wife
are there ,
You're all
settling down
for a
nice relaxing
evening dinner ,
Then
in
walks
the
dog ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
there you are,
having a
dinner party .....
Your parents
are there ,
Your in-laws
are there ,
Your boss and
his wife
are there ,
The minister and
his wife
are there ,
You're all
settling down
for a
nice relaxing
evening dinner ,
Then
in
walks
the
dog ....
.
.
.
.
.
.
A handful of 7 year old children were asked 'What they thought of beer'. (My Favourite has to be the last one hehehe)
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Jack, 7 years old
'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mom gets.'
Tim, 7 years old
'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice. '
Mellanie, 7 years old
'My Mom and Dad both like beer. My Mom gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
Grady, 7 years old
''My Mom and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
Toby, 7 years old
'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.'
Sarah, 7 years old
'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
Lilly, 7 years old
'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
Ethan, 7 years old
'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
Shirley, 7 years old
'My Mom drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'
Jack, 7 years old
Queen Christina of Sweden had a phobia about fleas, She ordered the construction of a tiny four-inch long cannon so that she could spend hours firing miniature cannonballs at the fleas which infested the royal bedchamber.
Origin: The Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy
Definition: A fish that translates any spoken language into a language that the person possessing the fish can understand.
Example: To understand the Vogons, you'll have to have a babble fish in your ear. (For those who think this should be spelled babelfish or babel fish or BabelFish or Babel Fish--guti. Douglas Adams (who died May 11, 2001) would probably have appreciated the whimsy of randomly using alternative spellings.)
Definition: A fish that translates any spoken language into a language that the person possessing the fish can understand.
Example: To understand the Vogons, you'll have to have a babble fish in your ear. (For those who think this should be spelled babelfish or babel fish or BabelFish or Babel Fish--guti. Douglas Adams (who died May 11, 2001) would probably have appreciated the whimsy of randomly using alternative spellings.)
DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
The Beatles saved the world from boredom.
As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.
Gossip is the Devil's radio.
I'll give up this sort of touring madness certainly, but music-everything is based on music. No, I'll never stop my music.
Love one another (His last words).
The biggest break in my career was getting into the Beatles in 1962. The second biggest break since then is getting out of them.
The nicest thing is to open the newspapers and not to find yourself in them.
The world used us as an excuse to go mad.
There's high, and there's high, and to get really high - I mean so high that you can walk on the water, that high-that's where I'm going.
Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking about the space between us all and the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion. Never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late when they pass away.
We were the Spice Boys.
As far as I'm concerned, there won't be a Beatles reunion as long as John Lennon remains dead.
Gossip is the Devil's radio.
I'll give up this sort of touring madness certainly, but music-everything is based on music. No, I'll never stop my music.
Love one another (His last words).
The biggest break in my career was getting into the Beatles in 1962. The second biggest break since then is getting out of them.
The nicest thing is to open the newspapers and not to find yourself in them.
The world used us as an excuse to go mad.
There's high, and there's high, and to get really high - I mean so high that you can walk on the water, that high-that's where I'm going.
Try to realize it's all within yourself no one else can make you change, and to see you're only very small and life flows on within you and without you.
We were talking about the space between us all and the people who hide themselves behind a wall of illusion. Never glimpse the truth - then it's far too late when they pass away.
We were the Spice Boys.
Catherine the Great relaxed by being tickled, preferably by young courtiers. For she was an infamous nymphomaniac, particularly as she got older.
Origin: Movie Slang - (The Shining)
Definition: A danny is a finger puppet. The derivation is from the movie The Shining, when little Danny speaks to his finger and says in a satanic voice- Danny isn't here right now, Mrs. Torrance. Danny is appropriate to be used for all types of finger puppets.
Example: I bought the cutest little danny today, a caterpillar.
Definition: A danny is a finger puppet. The derivation is from the movie The Shining, when little Danny speaks to his finger and says in a satanic voice- Danny isn't here right now, Mrs. Torrance. Danny is appropriate to be used for all types of finger puppets.
Example: I bought the cutest little danny today, a caterpillar.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.
Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, " Wimbledon "
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "Your sense of humour!"
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?"
Granny replies, "F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!"
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.
Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's love juice?"
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, "So what were you watching?"
Billy says, " Wimbledon "
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband,
"I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment."
He replies, "Your eyesight is perfect."
Wife gets naked & asks hubby, "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" Hubby looks her up & down and replies, "Your sense of humour!"
An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband,
'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Dog named Sex
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand.
I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest.
But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot".
I call mine Sex.
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand.
I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand.
Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest.
But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again.
I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely."
and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
THE BBC HAVE SAID THAT BLACKS AND ASIANS ARE NOT REPRESENTED ENOUGH ON - TV SO THEY'RE PUTTING CRIMEWATCH ON TWICE A WEEK.
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
85% of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower........ The other 15% haven't been to prison yet
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos! Unfortunately he's had a lot of trouble with squatters!
Terrified of meeting people, the 5th Duke of Portland built an elaborate network of tunnels beneath Welbeck Abbey in Nottinghamshire through which his carriage could pass in secret. So that he wouldn't have to talk to anybody, each door in his house was fitted with two letterboxes - one for incoming and one for outgoing messages. Only his valet was allowed near him. In the event of illness, the Duke's physician had to wait outside while the valet took his masters pulse.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: A copycat. A design thief or plagarist.
Example: Eminem is a certified xeroxhero. He's trying to be a white Dre.
Definition: A copycat. A design thief or plagarist.
Example: Eminem is a certified xeroxhero. He's trying to be a white Dre.
ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.
INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MYTH:
A female moth.
MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES:
Something other people have. You have character lines
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
There are days when it takes all you've got just to keep up with the losers.
Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.
A colossal 187,000 people were involved in the making of the Nazi epic Kolberg, including units of soldiers recalled from the front. Ultimately the film was seen by fewer people than had appeared in it.
Definition: The bad mixed drink to which all other drinks are compared to determine their vileness.
Example: I was screwing around with whiskey and random juices that I found in the fridge, and here's what I made. It's not good, but it's not vodka and milk either.
These are very stressful times for all of us so take care. Learn from the mistakes of others!
So much for today's Education System....... hope the hospitals are
Safe!!!
These are actual writings from various hospital charts.
1.The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Hmmm, wonder how big 'Circus Sized' is?............................
Safe!!!
These are actual writings from various hospital charts.
1.The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Hmmm, wonder how big 'Circus Sized' is?............................
THIS IS TOO GOOD
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t,
just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! ,
Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
This is to good...
You have to sing it .......
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
SING IT GIRLS!!!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long, that I grew strong, and I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French fry!
I should have known that it was bulls***t,
just a sad pathetic dream
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those Jeans!
Go on now - go! ,
Walk out the door, Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say size don't count??!!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
This is to good...
You have to sing it .......
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little weiner standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!
[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries, My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex, With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive!
Hey! Hey!
Mickey Mouse was originally called Mortimer Mouse. Walt Disney got the idea for the character from watching mice play one night in the garage where he was working.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Guy with superlong, greasy hair. Looks like he's farming the hair as a crop, growing it for other people to use.
Example: Oho! The bad guy in the movie was a real hairfarmer. Scary.
Definition: Guy with superlong, greasy hair. Looks like he's farming the hair as a crop, growing it for other people to use.
Example: Oho! The bad guy in the movie was a real hairfarmer. Scary.
Despite the number of rat-infested slums in the city, only 311 New Yorkers are bitten by rats in an average year. However 1519 citizens are bitten annually by New Yorkers!
Origin: Geek Speak
Definition: Quark By Numbers--being asked to design a page from a template so restrictive you're reduced to just filling boxes.
Example: That page is just pure QBN.
Definition: Quark By Numbers--being asked to design a page from a template so restrictive you're reduced to just filling boxes.
Example: That page is just pure QBN.
1. Obviously you're unable to assimilate my stimulating concepts into your blighted and simplistic world-view.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?
7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. How about never? Is never good for you?
14. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
15. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
16. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
4. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
5. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
6. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?!?
7. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
8. I'll give you a nice, shiny quarter if you'll go away.
9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
11. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. How about never? Is never good for you?
14. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
15. You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication.
16. You're just jealous because the little voices talk to ME.
17. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
18. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
19. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
May your every wish be granted.
Ancient Chinese Curse
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.
Arab Curse
May those that love us, love us; and to those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. Old Irish Toast
May you wander over the face of the earth forever, never sleep twice in the same bed, never drink water twice from the same well, and never cross the same river twice in a year.
Traditional Gypsy Curse
Ancient Chinese Curse
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.
Arab Curse
May those that love us, love us; and to those that don't love us, May God turn their hearts; and if He doesn't turn their hearts, may He turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. Old Irish Toast
May you wander over the face of the earth forever, never sleep twice in the same bed, never drink water twice from the same well, and never cross the same river twice in a year.
Traditional Gypsy Curse
Following a series of disagreements with the Church in the 1930s, Rev. Harold "Jumbo" Davidson, rector of Stiffkey in Norfolk, found an unusual platform on which to air his grievances. He moved in to a cage at Skegness with Freddie the lion. But after a harmonious beginning, the lion suddenly turned on the rector and Davidson was so badly mauled that he died in hospital. Even his funeral was unconventional, his widow choosing to dress all in white, except for black shoes.
Origin: Formula One Slang
Definition: To describe someone who often skids off track.
Word commemorates former Formula One driver Tora Takagi.
Example: Michael knew he was having a Takagistic weekend when he spun off the road for the second time in two laps.
Definition: To describe someone who often skids off track.
Word commemorates former Formula One driver Tora Takagi.
Example: Michael knew he was having a Takagistic weekend when he spun off the road for the second time in two laps.
A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband. Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to his senses, he motioned for her to come near him.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What, my dear?" she asked gently.
"You're a goddamn jinx!"
What can I say, but Always has been and always will be...NOM!!!
Over 10,000 birds a year die from smashing into windows.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Attribute of something influenced by karma.
Example: He refrained from killing her for karmatical reasons.
Definition: Attribute of something influenced by karma.
Example: He refrained from killing her for karmatical reasons.
Noah's wife was Joan of Ark.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.
The espistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.
Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.
A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.
Moses went to the top of Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
The seventh commandment is "thou shalt not admit adultery."
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
The people who followed Jesus were called Decibels.
The espistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew.
Salome danced in seven veils in front of King Herrod.
Paul preached acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
David fought the Finkelsteins, which a race of people who lived in Bible times.
The Jews had trouble throughout their history with unsympathic Genitals.
A Christian should have only one wife, this is called monotony.
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the ideas.
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks nice, but her face.
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on make-up.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!
Built in England in 1863, the SS Connector was constructed in three sections, loosely hinged together. The idea was that the ship's undulating motion would allow it to tackle heavy seas. It was arguably the weirdest vessel ever made.
Origin: Unknown
Description: The psychological condition of ignoring a word that exists in the lexicon
or the vernacular of a given language in order to satisfy prudence, style,
or current political correctness.
Example: Ignoring the existence of many words in the English language is pure lexicoignorapathy.
Description: The psychological condition of ignoring a word that exists in the lexicon
or the vernacular of a given language in order to satisfy prudence, style,
or current political correctness.
Example: Ignoring the existence of many words in the English language is pure lexicoignorapathy.
Our lives are full of 'thingummys', 'thingamajigs' and 'whatjermecallits' - those everyday items we should know the word for, or were once told but have since forgotten. Now, a collection of them has been compiled for a fascinating new book...
Aglet
Is the little plastic or metal tube at the end of your shoelace. Its purpose is to stop the thread of the lace from unravelling, as well as making it easier to feed through the shoe's eyelets. (The word comes from the Old French aguillette, meaning needle.)
Before the invention of plastic, aglets were made of metals such as copper, brass and silver, glass and even stone. They were often ornamental and some were fashioned into small figures.
Should your aglet break, you may, of course, just buy another shoelace. But if you're more frugal - especially in these credit crunch times - shoemakers recommend that you repair them by dripping melted candle wax onto the broken end.
Borborygmus
(Pronounced bor-buh-rig-mus) is the name for the rumbling sounds made by the stomach. These are caused by the movement of fluids and gases, as food, acids and digestive juices migrate from the stomach into the upper part of the small intestine. The average body makes two gallons of digestive juices a day. The hydrochloric acid in your stomach is so strong it could eat into metal, but a special form of mucus protects your inner linings from this acid along the length of its journey.
Burgee
Is the little triangular flag that flutters on a sailing dinghy, traditionally at the top of the main mast. As well as giving a useful indication of the direction of the wind, the burgee often proclaims membership of a particular yacht club.
The Gluteal crease
Is the place where the lower buttocks meet the upper leg. If those buttocks are particularly comely, they might be described by the adjective callipygian, a word which derives from the Greek for beautiful (kallos) and buttocks (pyge).
Zarf
Is the cardboard holder for a coffee cup that has no handle. The word comes from the Arabic for container or envelope, because the device (originally a metal holder for a handle-less glass) originated in the Middle East.
To view the rest of these forgotten word, click here
Extracted from THE THINGUMMY by Danny Danziger and Mark McCrum, published by Doubleday at £10. © Danny Danziger and Mark McCrum 2008.
GLASTONBURY, England, Nov. 3 (UPI) -- A British 19-year-old has officially changed his name to "Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined."
The Glastonbury, England, teenager -- originally named George Garratt -- said his new name, which is thought to be the world's longest, has so outraged his grandmother that she is no longer speaking to him, The Telegraph reported Monday.
The teen said he used an online service to officially change his name for a $20 fee.
"I wanted to be unique," Captain Fantastic said of his name choice. "I decided upon a theme of superheroes."
In 1953, a Persian cat called Sugar travelled 1500 miles from Anderson, California, to Gage, Oklahoma, after her owners had moved there. They had left the cat with a neighbour in Anderson because the animal had a bad hip. Yet even with her injury, Sugar completed a 14-month trek across the Rockies to meet up with the family again.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: The study, science, or practice of creating new words.
Example: I decided to utilize my verbology skills, so I logged on to pseudodictionary.com.
Definition: The study, science, or practice of creating new words.
Example: I decided to utilize my verbology skills, so I logged on to pseudodictionary.com.
When threatened, the caterpillar of the elephant hawk moth retracts its legs and rolls over to display a pair of false "eyes", just like those of a deadly pit viper. Not suprisingly, the predator tends to give it a wide berth.
Origin: UnknownDefinition: One who believes in and advocates the notion that all public net content should be family friendly.
Specifically, one who believes that the realities of sex and drugs need to be kept hidden from kids for as long as possible.
Specifically, one who believes that the realities of sex and drugs need to be kept hidden from kids for as long as possible.
Example: When content submitted by users to a site like H2G2 is censored by the kindernetzi,
it is truly a disservice to the free flow of infotainment.
it is truly a disservice to the free flow of infotainment.
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me.
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
How many cats does it take to change a light bulb?
Cats do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: "How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
Watch for these consolidations in 2009:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. PolyGram Records, Warner Bros., and Zest Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!
And finally...
9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.
* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.
* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.
* Every path has a few puddles.
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.
* Don't judge folks by their relatives.
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.
* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'.
* Always drink upstream from the herd.
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.
* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
Rita Rudner
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
Rita Rudner
I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
Erma Bombeck
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
Sue Grafton
Standing on the 18th tee at a Kent golf course, club professional W.J. Robinson was confident of clearing a cow which was grazing 100 yards up the fairway. Alas, hes drive clattered into the cow, killing it and leaving Robinson with what could only be described as a tricky second shot.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Wardrobe that contains only risque clothing.
Example: I attract a lot of attention when I go out on the town wearing something I've borrowed from Monica's whoredrobe.
Definition: Wardrobe that contains only risque clothing.
Example: I attract a lot of attention when I go out on the town wearing something I've borrowed from Monica's whoredrobe.
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