Awesome Way to Handle Junk Mail


When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep ‘em guessing!

Let’s turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get junk mail, and best of all… THEY are paying for it! Twice!

Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that’s why they need to increase postage again!

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Friday Funny


It Wasn't Easy to Convince the Jury

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and, wanted to let him go.

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Did You Know....? - Potty Plants


the sausage tree has long fruits which look just like sausages. However the Ashanti people of Ghana call the tree "nufatene" which means "Hanging Breasts", comparing the fruit to old tribeswomen whose life of breastfeeding results in elongated breasts.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Daks


Origin: Australian Slang

Definition: underpants

Example: Be sure to pack enough daks in your suitcase.

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Miracle Cure


A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having.

All these years? Well, they’re gone.’

’No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’

His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,

’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’

Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ‘

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, ‘WOW! - that was wonderful!’

The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.

Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘ .
‘She’s not my wife’

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

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The Official Moron Test



Questions



1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or no?

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister?

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get?

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with?

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses bring with him on the ark?

11. A butcher in the market is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. What was the President's name in 1960?


Here are the answers:


1. Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes or No? ...Yes. It comes right after the 3rd.

2. How many birthdays does the average man have? ....One (1). You can only be born once.

3. Some months have 31 days. How many have 28? ....Twelve (12). All of them have at least 28 days.

4. How many outs are there in an inning? ... Six (6). Don't forget there is a top and bottom to every inning.

5. Can a man in California marry his widow's sister? ...No. He must be dead if it is his widow.

6. Take the number 30, divide it by 1/2, and then add 10. What do you get? .... Seventy (70). Thirty (30) divided by 1/2 is 60.

7. There are 3 apples and you take two away. How many apples are you left with? .Two (2). You take two apples, therefore YOU have TWO apples.

8. A doctor gives you three pills and tells you to take one every half an hour. How long will the pills last? .....One hour. If you take the first pill at 1:00, the second at 1:30, and the third at 2:00, the pills have run out and only one hour has passed.

9. A farmer has 17 sheep. All but 9 of them die. How many sheep are left? .... Nine (9). Like I said, all BUT nine die.

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses have on the ark? ..... None. I didn't know that Moses had an ark.

11. A butcher in the market is 5' 10 tall. What does he weigh? .... Meat ... that is self-explanatory.

12. How many 2 cent stamps are there in a dozen? ..Twelve (12). How many eggs are in a dozen? Twelve. It's a dozen.

13. What was the President's name in 1960? ..Georgw W. Bush. As far as I know, he hasn't changed his name.


So, how did we do?


13 correct.........GENIUS...you are good.

10-12 correct....ABOVE AVERAGE...but don't let it go to your head.

7-9 correct........AVERAGE...but who wants to be average?

4-6 correct..........SLOW...pay attention to the questions!

1-3 correct..........IDIOT...what else can be said?

0 correct......CONGRATULATIONS, you are a certified MORON!

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I Can't Believe They Said That


"Golden, Ripe, Boneless Bananas, 39 Cents A Pound."
Ad in the "Missoulian" by Orange Street Food Farm


"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
Alan Minter, Boxer


"I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it's true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone, Actress


"How to store your baby walker: First, remove baby."
Anonymous Manufacturer


"This is no longer a slum neighborhood. I haven't heard of a Cubs fan being shot in a long time."
Anonymous Wrigley Field Neighbor, Chicago, IL


"During the scrimmage, Tarkanian paced the sideline with his hands in his pockets while biting his nails."
AP report describing Fresno State basketball coach Jerry Tarkanian


"Two grand slams in a week - man, that's seven or eight ribbies right there."
Bill Madlock, Baseball broadcaster


"Men, I want you just thinking of one word all season. One word and one word only: Super Bowl."
Bill Peterson, football coach

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Did You Know....? - Hard To Fathom


Cleaner wrasse swim into the mouths of larger fish to take scraps of food stuck in between the teeth. They approach the bigger fish ith a wriggling motion which seems to prevent them being eaten

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Newingtons


Origin: English Slang (Cockney Rhyming Slang)

Definition: stomach

Example: My newingtons doesn’t feel so well after eating that dodgy sandwich.

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Joke of the Week


There was a woman who was married to an Italian for over 50 years when she told him she wanted a divorce. Totally shocked, he asked her what was wrong and she said that she just wanted a divorce. He suggested that they see a marriage counselor first and she reluctantly agreed.

They went to the office of the counselor and he suggested that he interview the woman first, in private, while her husband stayed in the waiting room. He asked her what the problems were and she said, "Two things. He constantly picks his nose and he will never let me get on top when we make love - not once in 50 years."

"Those don't appear to be irreconcilable differences to me. A compromise of some kind should be possible", advised the marriage counselor. "Why don't you step out and allow me to speak with your husband."

After the Italian had seated himself, the counselor stated, "Your wife told me that she wants a divorce because you constantly pick your nose and you will never let her get on top when you make love. Can you explain this behavior to me?"

"Of course", replied the Italian, "I have always followed the advice my father gave me before I left the old country. He said, 'Son, you're going to America. It is the land of opportunity. Anything is possible. You can do anything and be anything you can imagine, just keep your nose clean and don't f*&k up!"

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Did You Know....? - Winged Wonders


Many owls have one ear bigger than the other and one ear higher than the other. This difference makes it easier for them to judge precisely where a sound is coming from and so pinpoint prey even in pitch darkness.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Over-Chicked


Origin: Australian Slang

Definition: a person with a girlfriend who is much better looking than they are

Example: How did Harry ever get Paula to date him? It is obvious that he is over-chicked.

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James May, co-host of the British Top Gear television series, is going to attempt to build a full size, two story House entirely out of LEGO bricks.

As part of his BBC series James May's Toy Stories, he plans to build a two-storey house in the middle of Denbies Wine Estate in Dorking.

May will be hosting a building day on Saturday, August 1, when members of the public can help him with the challenge.

The millions of bricks came all the way from the Czech Republic. The house will be life-size with a staircase, toilet and shower.

I would live there. And by live there I mean come home drunk, pass out on the floor, and wake up with LEGO marks all over my face. Then maybe some puking action.

Lego house attempt for James May's Toy Stories [getsurrey]

Thanks to Kieren, who built an entire planet out of LEGO and then ran through it like a leaf pile.

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Barney the Pedophile Dinosaur



Man, I’m glad I was a kid before Barney was on. Apparently that big purple dinosaur taught kids a lot more than I ever expected. Like in this clip, “brushing your teeth” looks suspiciously like fellatio — something that eight-year-old boys aren’t supposed to be good at (exceptions: Catholic church, Thailand). Note the gargle at the end of the clip — you don’t even see porn stars with that kind of enthusiasm. Well, not female ones, anyway.


Today’s revelation: Barney’s “I Love You, You Love Me” is a song about group sex with children. Perv.

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Did You Know....? - Thats Life


In Roman times, firemen were entitled to punish anyone whose carelessness caused a fire, usually with a public beating on the spot.

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Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Pelter


Origin: Scottish Slang

Definition: panic

Example: Will began to pelter at the thought of giving the speech.

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What Did You Say?


"The telephone company is urging people to please not use the telephone unless it is absolutely necessary in order to keep the lines open for emergency personnel. We'll be right back after this break to give away a pair of Phil Collins tickets to caller number 95."
Los Angeles d. j. (after the February 1990 earthquake)


"Trying to determine what is going on in the world by reading newspapers is like trying to tell the time by watching the second hand of a clock."
Ben Hecht


"Journalism consists largely in saying "Lord Jones died" to people who never knew Lord Jones was alive."
G. K. Chesterton


"I used to be Snow White, but I drifted."
Mae West


"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
G. K. Chesterton


"It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues."
Abraham Lincoln


"Opportunity may knock only once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
Anonymous

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Did You Know....? - In Excess


Sam Cooke was shot dead in 1964 after wandering into the wrong motel room after a party. Seeing him in a state of undress, the female occupant felt threatened and gunned him down.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Cheezza


Origin: American Slang

Definition: cheese-filled crust pizza

Example: Give me another slice of cheezza.

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