When you get those pre-approved letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and junk like that, most of them come with postage paid return envelopes, right?

Well, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little envelopes! Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Or a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn’t get anything else that day, then just send them their application back! Just make sure your name isn’t on anything you send them. Heck, you can send it back empty if you want to just to keep ‘em guessing!

Let’s turn this into a chain letter! Eventually, the banks and credit card companies will begin getting all their crap back in the mail. Let’s let them know what it’s like to get junk mail, and best of all… THEY are paying for it! Twice!

Let’s help keep our postal service busy since they say e-mail is cutting into their business, and that’s why they need to increase postage again!

A woman comes home and tells her husband, ‘Remember those headaches I’ve been having.

All these years? Well, they’re gone.’

’No more headaches?’ the husband asks, ‘What happened?’

His wife replies, ‘Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to stand in front of a mirror, Stare at myself and repeat,

’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘
’ I do not have a headache ‘

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.’

Well, that is wonderful’ proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, ‘You know, you haven’t been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years, why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? ‘

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, ‘WOW! - that was wonderful!’

The husband says, ‘Don’t move! I will be right back.’

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning ‘ OH MY GOD ‘ She proclaims.

Her husband again says, ‘Don’t move, I’ll be right back.’

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.

‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘
‘She’s not my wife ‘ .
‘She’s not my wife’

James May, co-host of the British Top Gear television series, is going to attempt to build a full size, two story House entirely out of LEGO bricks.

I would live there. And by live there I mean come home drunk, pass out on the floor, and wake up with LEGO marks all over my face. Then maybe some puking action.

Lego house attempt for James May's Toy Stories [getsurrey]

Thanks to Kieren, who built an entire planet out of LEGO and then ran through it like a leaf pile.

This is a true story from the Japanese Embassy in US!!!

A few days ago, Prime Minister Mori was given some Basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets president Barack Obama...

The instructor told Mori Prime Minister, when you shake hand with President Obama, please say 'how r u'.
Then Mr. Obama should say, 'I am fine, and you?' Now, you should say 'me too'. Afterwards we, translators, will do the work for you.'

It looks quite simple, but the truth is...

When Mori met Obama , he mistakenly said 'who r u?' (Instead of 'How r u?'.)

Mr. Obama was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor:
'Well, I'm Michelle's husband, ha-ha...'

Then Mori replied 'me too, ha-ha.. .'.

Then there was a long silence in the meeting room.

Anyone who has raised children or ever was a child (and let's face it, that's all of us), knows that the world's Most Frequently Asked Question is "Why?" Unfortunately, it's also the most difficult question to answer because it's bottomless - it can keep right on going forever because no matter how you answer the first "why" there's always a follow-up just waiting to be voiced.

So here is a collection of the all-time best follow-up-stopping answers to the perennial question. There is no particular order, since those who answer the question are the ones who must ultimately judge the adequacy and value of their own answers. Everything depends on how deep one cares go into sideways diversions, or whether one feels that an abrupt cut-off to the line of questioning is required.

1. Because I Said So.

This perennial favorite of parents everywhere can be either the beginning or the ending to a line of "why" questions. It is usually a resort to something dimly remembered from one's own childhood and teenage existential angst. Generally preferred when a questioner is either too young or too headstrong to understand all the many good reasons a parent won't let them play in the street or borrow the car to attend the Senior Drunk. It's the ultimate in 'Appeal to Authority,' and brooks no sustained follow-up. Obviously, this is an appeal to authority that works much better when dealing with a willful child than when offering testimony before a Congressional committee, so consider the audience and use this one with a healthy sense of relative power distributions.

2. Because God Says So.

This answer to the "why" question hinges on one's preferred metaphysical belief system as well as the accepted belief system of the questioner. Depending on the context, this answer can be used to good effect in a number of different applications dealing with moral or ethical issues, or even some deeper existential "why's." The person who uses this appeal to ultimate authority should probably be prepared to back it up with actual scriptural reference if dealing with anyone other than immediate family. It may work very well when chiding religious fundamentalists who turn out to be philanderers, liars, crooks or homosexuals, even in the political arena. But it's probably not a good answer when dealing with people who don't believe in God.

3. Because Adam and Eve Messed Up.

On a deeper level of questioning, a reverse-psychology appeal to the Judeo-Christian archetypal ancestors could work better than an appeal to the absolute authority of deity itself. In the oral traditions of the early Semitic tribes comes the sad tale of the first created humans, Adam and his wife Eve. It signifies an attempt to contextualize the difficult situation in which humanity finds itself while existing in the physical world. A "fall" of perfect creation into sin is described as the result of their choice to eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge (of Good and Evil) in defiance of God's prohibition. This appeal to the weakness (non-authority) of archetypal ancestors is often useful within those religious traditions to help people understand - and resist - their desire to do the wrong thing.

4. Why Not?

This is an answer with lots of energetic 'oomph' behind it, most useful if you happen to be the one doing something your questioner finds completely unfathomable. Best when not used in any more esoteric moral or ethical context, yet positively infectious when used to justify unpredictable behaviors that happen to occur on a spur of the moment basis and cause no real harm. Recall the scene of George and Mary at the high school dance in the movie "It's a Wonderful Life," when after they've fallen into the under-floor swimming pool the rest of the party-goers impulsively jump right into the water too. The old biddies are horrified even as their own husbands delightedly leap into the pool wearing their tuxedos. Why not?

5. 42.

As people get older, their "why" questions do tend to become ever more existential. The "why" seeks reason, and to qualify as a proper answer, the answer must have meaning behind it. In Douglas Adam's popular book "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" the number 42 is given as the ultimate answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything. 42 is also the atomic number of the element molybdenum, the angle in degrees of a rainbow, the Messier designation of the Orion Nebula, the number of generations in St. Matthew's genealogy of Jesus and the number of months the Beast holds dominion in the End Times. There were 42 principles of Ma'at in ancient Egypt leading to the personification of 42 gods. And in the Babylonian Talmud and Kabalistic tradition, there are 42 letters in the secret name of God.

6. Soul Evolution.

In keeping with the deeper meaning of the "why" question - which require quite a bit more explanation than the old standby "because I said so," many human spiritual traditions postulate that existence in the physical world is a stage in the evolution of the soul toward some better future condition. Depending on the tradition's belief system, souls may incarnate along the so-called "Great Chain of Being" from microbes through insects to animals, and finally to people. People may then incarnate across the spectrum of conditions until finally reaching "enlightenment," at which point they either go on to the next, non-physical plane of existence or become 'one with' the universe or "oversoul" of being. This answer doesn't justify much in real life, but it may help people cope with unreasonable or unjust experiences.

7. Quantum Fluctuation.

"Why" anything exists rather than nothing is probably the most existential of 'why' questions, but it is one that science has attempted to answer just as philosophy and metaphysics traditionally have. In the past century there have been some significant successes in the realm of physical theory toward this end, not the least of which has been quantum mechanics. According to some theorists the universe exists due to a random fluctuation in the sub-Planck level "quantum vacuum." While not very satisfying as an answer to "why," it can be used to excuse almost any existential condition with a cosmic shrug of the proverbial shoulders. "It just is," and that's equivalent to "because I said so" when dealing with the emotional equivalent 2-year olds in adult bodies.

8. White Hole.

Ever since scientists have been concerned with explaining that most existential of "why" questions without recourse to deity(ies), they've also tried to trivialize the apparently fine-tuned parameters of the universe we live in - those which allow for matter and life to exist - by postulating an infinite number of other universes that exist, but that we can't detect or know anything about. In a few of those type of "multiverse" models our universe began at the opposite end of a black hole (cosmic singularity) in some other universe - a so-called "White Hole" out of which all things emanate as if from a Big Bang after they've been sucked out of existence in that 'other' universe. We don't observe white holes in our universe, though according to the same solutions of General Relativity that give us black holes, we should. Perhaps if our whole sheebang is a white hole, we don't need any others!

9. Colliding Branes.

A new and improved take on the quantum fluctuation answer to "why" is the colliding brane scenario. This one is fundamentally as random as the quantum fluctuation answer, but so additionally complex that it will impress almost anybody - or at least make them dizzy enough to drop the line of questioning quickly. Even better, it has its own cool title that can draw oohs and aahs - the "Ekpyrotic Universe." It doesn't entirely replace the Big Bang (from quantum fluctuation or white hole or godly command or whatever) but has more dimensions, and this makes it cooler. Visualize sheets of paper floating through the fifth dimension, if you can visualize what that looks like. When these sheets collide, it causes Big Bangs - yes, there are more than a few in this theory. Out of which expands new universal branes like (or unlike) our 4-dimensional space-time.

10. Anthropic Multiverse.

This answer may be the best non-religious answer of all, given that it ultimately boils down to "because you are here asking the question." That's always a sure-fire query-stopper! In this one there are still an infinite number of universes out there that may or may not look anything like ours (and which we'll never know for sure exist or anything about them), but we happen to live in the one we live in because the laws of physics in THIS universe allow us to exist. If any of those 'fine-tuned' constants were any different from what they are, we wouldn't be here to ask bottomless existential questions, so there you go. This is another version of the "it just is" answer, but again, so impressively cutting-edge that most people who aren't physical theorists won't bother asking the next "why" in the series.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is admitted. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and, as is the wont for engineers, starts designing and building improvements.

After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks, “So how’s it going down there in hell?”

Satan replies, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flushing toilets and working escalators, and there’s no telling what an engineer is going to come up with next.”

God replies, “What You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend homosexuality, for example, I will simply remind him or her that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other laws in Leviticus and Exodus and how to best follow them. To wit:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Leviticus 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as stated in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Leviticus 15:19-24). The problem is, how can I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Leviticus 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Canadians, but not Mexicans. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine says that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Leviticus 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Leviticus 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Sincerely,
A devoted listener

True Friendship "Kiwi Style"

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those piss weak 'friendship' poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cute little smiley faces on this card -- Just the stone cold truth of a great friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get smashed and plot revenge against the bastards who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you, by giving you copious amounts of alcohol.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are thinking of something that I would probably want to be involved in.

4. When you are scared -- I will tease you about it every chance I get until you're NOT.

5.... When you are worried -- I will tell you stories about how much worse it could be until you stop whingeing.

6... When you are confused -- I will try to use only little words, and speak very slowly.

A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.

He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.

He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven’t found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again — - but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,

*
*
*
*
*

"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Wife @ Bar

A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the bar, so one night he took her along.

“What’ll ya have?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.

So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.

“Yuck, it’s nasty poison!” she s