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http://rapidshare.com/files/269908139/District.9.subbed.TS-STG-Fatal.avi.007

this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "how are you getting on?"


Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby
"Is this yours?" she asked "probably" said Paddy "she burns everything else"


A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and
haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer ?"


My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken
jaw! It seems we were on different wavelengths when she said she
wanted decking on the patio


Sex therapist claim that the most effective way to arouse your man is
to spend 10 minutes licking his ears!! Personally I think its bollocks!!


They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are
right. After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive!


Whats the difference between Basil Brush and a Paki with a rucksack?
The Paki with a rucksack only goes "Boom" once


Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick bastard"


A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her
twin, I said how can you tell them apart, he said "her brothers got a moustache!"


A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me"
"Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"

Last month a telephone world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The
only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food
shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...........................

In Australia they hung up because they couldn't understand the Indian
accent.

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself... now I know.

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation..

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people have been born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2009

Why do we call the last group Generation Y? I never did know, but recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...
Learned something new today!

In 1872, veteran prospectors Philip Arnold and John Slack bought $35,000 worth of diamonds in Europe and scattered them on land in Wyoming. They managed to convince the Bank of San Francisco they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000.

Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.

When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders...for a circus that didn't exist.

By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.

Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.

Now we can add Bernie Madoff!

A swarm of locusts which swept across Nebraska in 1874 covered an estimated 198,600 square miles. There were thought to be around 12.5 trillion insects in the swarm, although no one was counting.

Origin: Geek Speak

Definition: email me

Example: E me with the directions to get there.

Science Class

If you weighed all the earthworms in the United States, they would be something like 55 times heavier than the combined weight of all Americans.

Origin: American Slang

Definition: a big party

Example: Are you going to the major rager at Owen’s house?

A notable gynaecologist once said,

"The best engine in the world is the vagina.
It can be started with one finger.
It is self-lubricating.
It takes any size piston.
And it changes its own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking temperamental."

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

*Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

*At a proctologist's door:
"To expedite your visit please back in."

*On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

*On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

*Pizza shop slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."

*At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."

*On a plastic surgeon's office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"

*At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

*On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

*In a nonsmoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

*On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

*At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

*On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."

*In a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."

*On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

*At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

*Outside a muffler shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

*In a veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

*At the electric company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be."

*In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry .. Come on in and get fed up."

*In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

*At a propane filling station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."

*And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."

Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?
Victoria Wood

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Steven Wright

What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?

What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

What is shaved ice?
Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?

Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Charles VI of France was convinced that he was made of glass. So he refused to travel by coach in case the vibration made him shatter into a thousand pieces. He also fitted iron rods into his clothes in case he ever fell over and shattered.

Origin: American Slang

Definition: embarrassment caused, when playing your iPod over speakers in shuffle mode, by someone coming into the room just as the worst song in your collection plays

Example: I suffered a huge cause of shuffle shame when she walked through the door as Kenny G began to play.

The Running of the Sheep Festival at Reedpoint, Montana, is a gentle alternative to Spain's Running of the Bulls. Each September hundreds of sheep charge down Main Street for six blocks. Contests are held for the ugliest sheep and prettiest ewe.

Origin: American Slang


Definition: to create something new from a discarded, second-hand, old, or disposable object

Example: Hannah upcycled some jeans from Goodwill into a beautiful purse.

WHITE WOMEN

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

ITALIAN WOMEN

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.

JEWISH WOMEN

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

IRISH WOMEN

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

CHINESE WOMEN

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner and again nothing happens.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized......nothing is going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN

First date: You meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila and have sex in the back of her car..

Second Date: She's pregnant.

Third Date: She moves in.

One week later: her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Rio Grande.

The point of the story is:

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DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IRISH WOMEN?

A couple, age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he then charged them $32.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor and leave.

Finally the doctor asked, "Just what exactly are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60.00 and the Hilton charges $75.00. We do it here for $32.00, and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."

Mexican romantic lead Ramon Novarro ordered his house guests to wear nothing but black, white or silver so that they blended in with the black and silver decor of his mansion