Letter to School


Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.

Dear Hudson Middle School,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Hudson Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless your for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a million pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Drop dead!"


Thanks again!

Sincerely,

Edna

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Home Economics for Men


1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop.

2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral.

4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!

6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away.

7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back.

8. Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink.

12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!

14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill.

15. Retro, Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your '70s Polyester Shirts.

16. Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware: No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves.

17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means.

19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond McDonald's.

20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the "Action/Adventure" Category.

21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote

22. "I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!": Why Women Laugh.

23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.

25. "I Don't Know": Be the First Man to Say It!

26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty.

27. Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them

28. Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.

29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Near Sighted


A nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing: Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Mistletoe at the Airport


It was slightly before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Barking Mad


Henrietta Howland Green was the meanest woman in the world. She inherited a $6 million fortune from her father ad became such a successful money lender that she kept a balance of over $31,400,000 in one bank alone. Yet she lived in a seedy Brooklyn apartment in which the heating remained switched off even in the depths of winter. She never bothered to wash and for lunch ate nothing more than a tin of dry oatmeal which she heated on a banks radiators. Her meanness extended to her family. Her son had to have his leg amputated because of her delay in finding a free medical clinic. When she died in 1916, she left an estate worth $95 million.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Muling


Origin: Welsh Slang

Definition: ugly; disgusting

Example: Oh, that dress is muling.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Important Dates


Important Dates

Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on. I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced.

"Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Christmas One Liners


Christmas Oneliners

Christmas: When you exchange hellos with strangers and good buys with friends.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don't know if they're celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.

Do you know what it is like to put up fifteen hundred Christmas lights on the roof of a house? The kids are giving two to one I'm gonna come down the chimney before Santa Claus does.

Christmas in Los Angeles is always interesting. Seeing carolers dressed in Bermuda shorts...groping their way through the smog singing: "It came upon a midnight clear."

Did you hear about the Beverly Hills school Christmas pageant? Two kids dressed as Mary and Joseph and they are on their way to the inn in Bethlehem. On the other side of the stage, a boy in a shepherd's outfit is on a mobile/cellular phone, calling for reservations.

Christmas: The time when everyone gets Santamental.

I know. I know. I know that people say "It's the thought that counts, not the gift", but couldn't people think a little bigger!

Santa Claus is a Jolly fellow! Imagine all that driving and still being able to say "Ho! Ho! Ho!

Father to three-year old: "No, a reindeer is not a horse with TV antenna."

Every year, Christmas becomes less a birthday and more a Clearance Sale.

Christmas is in my heart twelve months a year and thanks to credit cards, it's on my Visa Card Statement twelve months a year also.

Some of these new toys are so creative and inventive. This year they have a Neurotic Doll. It's wound up already.

I bought my friend some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift-wrap counter and told them to wrap it, but in different paper, so he'd know when to stop unwrapping.

When I was young we were poor. We didn't have a Christmas tree, we had a Christmas stump.

When I was a kid our Christmases were very poor. We couldn't afford tinsel. We had to wait for grandpa to sneeze.

Christmas is a time when people get emotional over family ties, particularly if they have to wear them.

I remember my dad was shopping in a toy store. He said, "That's a terrific train set. I'll buy it."The Clerk said, "Great, I'm sure your son will love it." Dad said, "Maybe you're right. I'll take two."

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Friday Man Babe - Will Young


Will Young is a popular British singer and actor who became famous after winning Pop Idol. He has released 5 albums: From Now On, Friday’s Child, Keep On, Let It Go, and The Hits. Young appeared in the BBC film Mrs. Henderson Presents which starred Jude Dench and Bob Hoskins. He also appeared in the Royal Exchange Theatre’s production of the Noel Coward play The Vortex.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Friday Funny


After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Did You Know....? - Unhappy Endings


Canadian Lawyer Garry Hoy fell 24 storeys to his death while attempting to demonstrate the safety of a building's windows. Hoy was showing visiting law students around Toronto's Dominion Bank Tower. To illustrate how strong the windows were, he barged into a pane with his shoulder. The window gave way and Hoy ended up in the courtyard below. He was described by the head of his legal firm as "one of the best and brightest" members.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Frog Skins


Origin: Native American Slang

Definition: money

Example: I need to get some frog skins from the bank.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE!!



Yesterday I answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner .

'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.'

'Go away!' I said. 'I haven't got any money!', 'I'm broke!' and proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.. 'Don't be too hasty!' he said. 'Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto my hallway carpet.

'If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Sir, I will personally eat the remainder.'

I stepped back and said, 'Well I hope you've got a F*cking good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning....What part of 'broke' don't you understand?'


Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Coincidence?


YEAR: 1981

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

YEAR: 2005

1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.

In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Twas the Internet Night Before Christmas


'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the inbox with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.

The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).

When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!

I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.

When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;

"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"

The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).

He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!

With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.

He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!

He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.

The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!

He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Reindeer at Bar


One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Christmas Facts




Saint Nicholas of Myra, the original Santa Claus, was the patron saint of children, thieves and pawnbrokers.


Based on previous surveys, 17 percent of you will embarrass yourselves in some way at your office Christmas party.

A Mongolian wild ass can run 8 mph faster than a reindeer.

It's Donder, not Donner.

Christmas pudding should be stirred from east to west.

56 percent of Americans sing holiday carols to their pets.

53 percent of Americans plan to "re-gift" this year.

1 in 3 men will wait until Christmas Eve to finish their shopping.

1 in 6 men would like to get rid of all the "gift-giving nonsense."

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard.

On Christmas Eve in 2001, the Bethlehem Hotel had 208 of its 210 rooms free.

It's "God rest ye merry, gentlemen," not "God rest ye, merry gentlemen."

There are 1.76 billion candy canes produced every year.

Kris Kringel, a man in his 40s, lives in North Pole, Alaska, and delivers pizzas for a living. He drives a 1984 Ford Tempo.

Based on a 1999 estimated population count of North America and Europe, on Christmas Eve of that year Santa Claus had to visit 42,466,666 homes in a 12-hour period -- that's 983 homes per second.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


On Santa


Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?
Tom Armstrong


I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
Shirley Temple Black


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.
Victor Borge


I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark.
Dick Gregory


Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
Arlo Guthrie


I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives.
Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Did You Know....? - As Seen on TV


Cliff Richard was accused of "crude exhibitionism" and of being a bad influence on teenagers when he appeared in the 1950s pop show Oh Boy!

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame


Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Fashi


Origin: Nigerian Slang

Definition: to forget about something

Example: Fashi that gal.

Digg It! Stumble Delicious Technorati Tweet It! Facebook Add To Reddit RSS Google Bookmarks Meneame