Stare at it long enough and you will see something NSFW
Keyboard Cups
Here’s a gorgeous cup set from MOD Design in Taiwan. Basking in the glory of simplicity, these cup sets resemble keyboard keys set atop a circuit board saucer. Made from porcelain, I bet they have a nice weight to them. Once again you guys, proof that geek is chic.
Does size matter?
Condometricis a condom aimed to measure penis’ length. A condom with the “ruler”, a great idea!
“Condometric is the first prophylactic that measures and shows off the penis’ length. Condometric helps us flaunt what we’ve got. It’s about believing we can handle whatever we wish to take on, regardless of size.”
To see the rest, click here
Thanks to Uphaa for this article
Here’s a gorgeous cup set from MOD Design in Taiwan. Basking in the glory of simplicity, these cup sets resemble keyboard keys set atop a circuit board saucer. Made from porcelain, I bet they have a nice weight to them. Once again you guys, proof that geek is chic.
Does size matter?
Condometricis a condom aimed to measure penis’ length. A condom with the “ruler”, a great idea!
“Condometric is the first prophylactic that measures and shows off the penis’ length. Condometric helps us flaunt what we’ve got. It’s about believing we can handle whatever we wish to take on, regardless of size.”
To see the rest, click here
Thanks to Uphaa for this article
Everything looks better in black and white, especially a well placed tattoo.... Bet you didn't notice the tattoo until it was pointed out hehe
A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.
To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic - and that aftershave is just wonderful!"
The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.
Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"Who let you in here? Did you check the mirror before you left the house? Get away from me, you oaf!"
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the bartender for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
"Ah yes sir," the bartender responds. "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
American golfer Maud McInnes took 166 strokes at a par-3 hole in 1912 after her tee shot landed in a river. As the ball floated away, she climbed into a boat and tried to play out on to dry land. She eventually succeeded a mile and a half down-stream.
Origin: Uknown
Definition: The search for the perfect woman
Example: He is on a never-ending Questrogen.
Definition: The search for the perfect woman
Example: He is on a never-ending Questrogen.
These are some daft things which have been written on Insurance claim forms
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
"I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
"I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
A Norwich Union customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were: Q - What warning was given by you? A - Horn Q - What warning was given by the other party? A - Moo
"I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind".
"On the M6 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way."
"On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
"I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend on the pillion reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control."
"I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
"While proceeding through 'Monkey Jungle', the vehicle was enveloped by small fat brown grinning monkeys. Number three fat brown monkey (with buck teeth) proceeded to swing in an anticlockwise direction on the radio aerial. Repeated requests to desist were ignored. Approximately 2 minutes and 43 seconds later, small fat brown monkey disappeared in 'Monkey Jungle' clutching radio aerial."
"Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably voodoo."
"The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"I thought my window was down, but I found out it wasn't when I put my head through it".
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way".
"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car".
"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
"In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
"I had been shopping for plans all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
"I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
"To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck the pedestrian."
"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
"The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him."
"I saw a slow-moving, sad faced old gentleman, as he bounced off the roof of my car"
"The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
"I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to Prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to Prison for three years, not Princeton."
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
In 1875, the director of the US Patent Office tendered his resignation and suggested that the department be closed on the grounds that there was nothing left to invent.
Origin: 80's rock group of the same name
Definition: Derogatory reference to the 80s blues-rock group; meaning to lower in quality or be of exceedingly low stature.
Example: Sheryl Crow used to be cool. It's sad to see her go all Fabulous Thunderbirds these days.
Definition: Derogatory reference to the 80s blues-rock group; meaning to lower in quality or be of exceedingly low stature.
Example: Sheryl Crow used to be cool. It's sad to see her go all Fabulous Thunderbirds these days.
The Marino Grape Festival in Italy is famous for having a fountain of free flowing wine in the town square. But we wouldn’t be writing about it if something didn’t go wrong. The engineers messed up and accidentally sent the chilled sparkling wine through the domestic water pipes! Residents noticed the error when the smell of wine tainted their bath and laundry water. A few residents were quick thinking enough to fill jugs with the free treat.
Definition: I. Short for Could Lose a few pounds Usually used to describe a female that is not ugly but slightly overweight.
II. Can also be used followed by a number indicating the amount of weight needs to use.
Example: I. Is he cute? he Caloosa.
II. Is she cute? She Caloosa 20.
This is a speeding ticket and ensuing letter for a guy who was sent a speeding ticket that was dated the day he was born.
Click on each image and enlarge to read, it is hilarious and well worth the read ROTFLOL
Click on each image and enlarge to read, it is hilarious and well worth the read ROTFLOL
The answers are listed below and don’t cheat, you bastards. Let me know how you did.
. *************************************************************************************************** .
1. The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription “To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion “Captain Frank looked at Art and said, “You really don’t expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?” What’s wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?
8. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin’s egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
15.There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show,” One of them was the father of the other’s son. How could this be possible?
16. A butcher in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh? . . .
*ANSWERS* .
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn’t been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn’t called “World War I” until World War II.
6. The word “and”.
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year’s Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
9. Nine.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. “One word”
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. Meat.
. *************************************************************************************************** .
1. The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the user doesn’t see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription “To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion “Captain Frank looked at Art and said, “You really don’t expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?” What’s wrong with the story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same year?
8. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?
9. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words “new door” to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin’s egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
15.There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show,” One of them was the father of the other’s son. How could this be possible?
16. A butcher in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he weigh? . . .
*ANSWERS* .
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn’t been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn’t called “World War I” until World War II.
6. The word “and”.
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year’s Day just arrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.
8. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.
9. Nine.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. “One word”
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. Meat.
The e-mail says they are taken from actual high school essays and collected by English teachers across the country for their own amusement. Some of these kids may have bright futures as humor writers. What do you think?
1. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
25. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a thigh master
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute , I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's bet ter, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you, after dinner.'"
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute , I have to go pee." The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?" Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's bet ter, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you, after dinner.'"
In 1872, veteran prospectors Philip Arnold and John Slack bought $35,000 worth of diamonds in Europe and scattered them on land in Wyoming. They managed to convince the Bank of San Francisco they had discovered a diamond field and made $700,000.
Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.
When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders...for a circus that didn't exist.
By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.
Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.
Now we can add Bernie Madoff!
Starting in 1921, Oscar Merril Hartzell began a scam selling fake shares in the estate of Sir Francis Drake. He contacted as many families as he could find with the surname Drake and was eventually accused of defrauding 270,000 people. The hoax netted him over $2,000,000.
When J. Bam Morrison arrived at Wetumka, Oklahoma in 1950, he claimed to be the advance publicity man for Bohn's United Circus, which, he maintained, was due to hit town in three weeks. He allegedly sold advertising space to local traders...for a circus that didn't exist.
By forging signatures, James Addison Reavis was able to claim he was the legal owner of 17,000 square miles of Arizona. The enterprise raked in $300,000 a year until he was arrested in 1895 and he was sentenced to six years in prison.
Joseph Weill, who inspired the movie "The Sting," rented abandoned banks and convinced businessmen that he had set up a genuine bank. He waited for them to deposit large sums of money before shutting down and moving on to the next town. This, plus some of his other scams, earned him over $6,000,000.
Now we can add Bernie Madoff!
Sexual harassment at work-is it a problem for the self-employed?
Victoria Wood
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Steven Wright
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Victoria Wood
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
After they make Styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
Steven Wright
What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Off the coast of Florida, where the sea is only 20ft deep, stands an underwater statue of Christ. The base of the 9ft statue rests on the sandy floor and the top is viewed from the surface by tourists in glass-bottomed boats.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Drumming in an unorganized fashion (chiefly in drum and bugle corps).
Kecking can take place on any available surface including but not limited to:
a drum, a practice pad, a table top, the back of a chair, your own knee, someone else's head, a pot, the floor, a basketball hoop, the ceiling of a bus, the floor of a bus, the bus driver.
Example: Snares, quit kecking while the horn line tunes.
Definition: Drumming in an unorganized fashion (chiefly in drum and bugle corps).
Kecking can take place on any available surface including but not limited to:
a drum, a practice pad, a table top, the back of a chair, your own knee, someone else's head, a pot, the floor, a basketball hoop, the ceiling of a bus, the floor of a bus, the bus driver.
Example: Snares, quit kecking while the horn line tunes.
Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it's set up with.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different monitor than the one it's set up with.
Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
Light candles in a circle around your terminal before starting.
Play "Pong" for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
Despite a stagnant economy and a presidential campaign that set new fundraising records, many political junkies still have money to burn. Luckily, savvy entrepreneurs found a solution for that: put Barack Obama on anything and sell it. Here are the most ridiculous items Obama is selling right now:
The Yes We Can Opener
For the rest of the items on the list click here
Thanks to Videosurf.com
The Yes We Can Opener
For the rest of the items on the list click here
Thanks to Videosurf.com
Poor Brad Pitt is so busy jet setting the world promoting The Curious Care of Benjamin Button, going to Awards shows in The States and filming Inglourious Basterds in Brelin plus he is the father of 6 kids under 7 and doing Angelina Joile, that he forgot to zip up his jeans. Which is bad for him, but is great for us! And it could have been even better had his little Basterd come out to play!!! To be honest I am surprosed he even has the energy to get dressed!
Jerry and Rachel are two strangers thrown together by a mysterious phone call from a woman they have never met. Threatening their lives and family, she pushes Jerry and Rachel into a series of increasingly dangerous situations, using the technology of everyday life to track and control their every move.
Links: http://rapidshare.com/files/171116092/3ejfge71.part01.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171117948/3ejfge71.part02.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171119769/3ejfge71.part03.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171121692/3ejfge71.part04.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171123644/3ejfge71.part05.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171125529/3ejfge71.part06.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171127479/3ejfge71.part07.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171129417/3ejfge71.part08.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171131348/3ejfge71.part09.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171133264/3ejfge71.part10.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171135138/3ejfge71.part11.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171137108/3ejfge71.part12.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171139036/3ejfge71.part13.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171140691/3ejfge71.part14.rar
Code:
http://www.aioforum.com/search.php?searchid=171162
Links: http://rapidshare.com/files/171116092/3ejfge71.part01.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171117948/3ejfge71.part02.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171119769/3ejfge71.part03.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171121692/3ejfge71.part04.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171123644/3ejfge71.part05.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171125529/3ejfge71.part06.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171127479/3ejfge71.part07.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171129417/3ejfge71.part08.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171131348/3ejfge71.part09.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171133264/3ejfge71.part10.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171135138/3ejfge71.part11.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171137108/3ejfge71.part12.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171139036/3ejfge71.part13.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/171140691/3ejfge71.part14.rar
Code:
http://www.aioforum.com/search.php?searchid=171162
Many of you may have had this pic at the bottom of a joke email and I thought this guy deserved a place in the Friday Man Babe series.
I Have no idea what his name is but NOM!!
I Have no idea what his name is but NOM!!
We all know those cute little computer symbols called emoticons, where:
:) means a smile and
:( is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by
:-)
:-(
Well, how about some ASSICONS?
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
a 70-year-old tortoise was fitted with a lego leg. When the creature hat to have a front leg amputated after being savaged by a cat, Devon vet John Parkinson replaced the limb with a pair of Lego wheels taken from his son's toy set.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Describes tap water that is just barely drinkable, due to cloudiness or poor taste.
Example: Bob, if you're thirsty, help yourself to a bottle of water from the fridge. The stuff that comes out of the tap is more like h3o.
Definition: Describes tap water that is just barely drinkable, due to cloudiness or poor taste.
Example: Bob, if you're thirsty, help yourself to a bottle of water from the fridge. The stuff that comes out of the tap is more like h3o.
click image to enlarge and readSOFTWARE ENGINEERING GLOSSARY
or
DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW
ALL NEW
The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN
Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH
It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW
It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY
It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE
We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED
Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION
All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC
It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY
All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST
We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE
It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS
It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN
It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY
The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM
We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED
It's almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE
Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
We finally got one to work.
or
DEFINING COMPUTER TERMS FROM A "MARKETING" POINT OF VIEW
ALL NEW
The software is not compatible with previous versions.
ADVANCED DESIGN
Upper management doesn't understand it.
BREAKTHROUGH
It nearly booted on the first try.
NEW
It comes in different colors from the previous version.
DESIGN SIMPLICITY
It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
EXCLUSIVE
We're the only ones who have the documentation.
FIELD TESTED
Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION
All parameters are hard coded.
FUTURISTIC
It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
HIGH ACCURACY
All the directories compare.
IT'S HERE AT LAST
We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
MAINTENANCE FREE
It's impossible to fix.
MEETS QUALITY STANDARDS
It compiles without errors.
PERFORMANCE PROVEN
It works through beta test.
REVOLUTIONARY
The disk drives go round and round.
SATISFACTION GUARANTEED
We'll send you another copy if it fails.
STOCK ITEM
We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
UNMATCHED
It's almost as good as the competition.
UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE
Nothing ever ran this slow before.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
We finally got one to work.
I like work; It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
[Jerome K. Jerome]
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
[Edwin H. Stuart]
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
[William Lloyd George]
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
[Hubert H. Humphrey]
Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.
[Don Marquis]
Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
[Dwight D. Eisenhower]
To lead the people, walk behind them.
[Lao-Tzu]
A jury [in America very often] consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
[Robert Frost]
[Jerome K. Jerome]
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
[Edwin H. Stuart]
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated; you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
[William Lloyd George]
The right to be heard does not include the right to be taken seriously.
[Hubert H. Humphrey]
Punctuality is one of the cardinal business virtues: always insist on it in your subordinates.
[Don Marquis]
Leadership: The art of getting someone else to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
[Dwight D. Eisenhower]
To lead the people, walk behind them.
[Lao-Tzu]
A jury [in America very often] consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
[Robert Frost]
During the Second World War, Marmite was prescribed as a cure for tropical diseases such as burning feet and beriberi. And a 1951 report on Deficiency Disease in Japanese Prison Camps stated that Marmite had proved effective in the treatment of scrotal dermatitis. The patients were presumably the original "Marmite Soldiers".
Origin: Popularized by Ice T.
Definition: 1.Original Gangsta.
2.One who has been around for a while.
Example: I'm an O.G. like that.
Definition: 1.Original Gangsta.
2.One who has been around for a while.
Example: I'm an O.G. like that.
Bees have 5 eyes. They have 2 large compound eyes (one on either side of their head) and three primitive eyes on top of their head to detect light intensity.
To warm up their wings for flight, bees often bask in the sun for a few moments before taking off.
To warm up their wings for flight, bees often bask in the sun for a few moments before taking off.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: As per vanity publishing, a comedic television series starring an actor whose fame is on the wane. The actor and character they play will have similar names and the show will be named after them. Shows with multiple main characters are not vanity sitcoms. Geena and Bette are vanity sitcoms, Seinfeld is not.
Example: After Winona Ryder's latest escapades, there's nothing left for her but a vanity sitcom on the Fox network in 2003.
Definition: As per vanity publishing, a comedic television series starring an actor whose fame is on the wane. The actor and character they play will have similar names and the show will be named after them. Shows with multiple main characters are not vanity sitcoms. Geena and Bette are vanity sitcoms, Seinfeld is not.
Example: After Winona Ryder's latest escapades, there's nothing left for her but a vanity sitcom on the Fox network in 2003.
Tips for Stable Life
There is too much uncertainty in life, and there's not many good ways to make your life more stable.
You could, for instance, rent a bus and drive it at high speed through a large group of nuns, but then someone will say you're in prison for thirty years or maybe twenty years or maybe two if the prison is really crowded. There you are again, not knowing what to expect.
So I'm going to offer what help I can. First, let me assure you about the afterlife. Everybody is going to hell. There's one true religion, and nobody has figured out what it is. I wouldn't worry, though. Most people with near-death experiences say hell isn't too bad. It's a bit like Wisconsin.
I can also tell you what pronouns mean. There are various words, such as he, she, this and that. People will tell you they aren't anything specifically, but they're lying.
Them is one example. You'll often hear people talk about "them" without knowing who them might be. Fortunately, I chanced to hear a set of distant relatives referred to as "Boney and them." So, whenever someone talks about them, they mean a group of Irish-decended people who live in Pennsylvania and upstate New York.
Them is not to be confused with "Them Thar hills." Them Thar hills is a very scattered range of mountains stretching from Tennessee to eastern New Mexico. There used to be gold in Them Thar hills, but now there's just some uranium ore, and Them Thar hills are now owned by the Japanese.
You should also know what the more vague time references mean. "These days" are usually Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays, and "those days" are the rest of the week. There are a few exceptions during daylight savings time.
The average person (her name is Jennifer, and she lives in Toronto) prefers these days. True, she'll say things like, "These days, a candy bar costs a fortune." On the other hand, it's one of these days that she's going to tell uncle what she thinks of his goddamn chihuahua. Nobody takes that big a risk when it's "one of those days."
"The other day" is June 14th. It's called the other day because it's the only day that isn't one of these days or one of those days. When I talk to someone, they usually say, "You know, I was talking about you the other day."
In fact, I think most of the people I know spent the other day in a large building, talking about me. I think they're plotting to kill me. Then I'll spend eternity in Wisconsin with a bunch of nuns who got run over by a bus.
The Moving Picture Mime Show's 1985 production at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe was The Complete Berk in which actors attached peas to their ears with sellotape. Unfortunately the show had to be cancelled when one performer got a pea irretrievably stuck in his ear.
Definition: Used to describe chicken cooked in an Asian style.
Example: Yum yum! That's some nice qiken teriyaki.
30-pound marijuana brick delivered to wrong address in Denton
UPS delivers, but not always to the right address, a Denton man discovered Monday when he found a lot of green inside a package dropped on his porch by the men in brown.
The man took the package to Denton police later that night, police spokesman Officer Ryan Grelle said. It contained a 30-pound brick of compressed marijuana with a street value of $10,500.
UPS mistakenly delivered it to the Denton house about 8 p.m., Grelle said. The resident was not at home at the time and opened it when he returned.
“He was expecting tools that he had ordered from Sears,” Grelle said. “He opened it up and thought, ‘Oh my.’ He loaded it up and brought it to the police department.”
Grelle said the package, which apparently came from Pharr, Texas, and was handled by a UPS branch in McAllen on Jan. 6, wasn’t addressed to the Denton man on whose porch it landed. It carried an address in Dallas. But there was no such address in Dallas, so someone at the package delivery service decided it must be meant for a similar address in Denton, the officer said.
The case is still under investigation.
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a Donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the Donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news; your donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said,'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news; your donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said,'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with him?'
Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'
Check out these nutty laws from across the U.S.A. and around the globe!
* In Alabama, prison guards are forbidden from referring to their spouses as "the old ball 'n' chain."
* In Los Angeles, it's illegal for a waiter to tell a customer "I'm really an actor."
* In Indiana, it's against the law to dress "Barbie" in "Ken's" clothes.
* In Sedona, Ariz., it's illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
* In Texas, it's illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
* In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your wife's birthday.
* In Australia, it's illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
* In Cannes, France, it's illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
* In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" by saying, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" is an automatic $300 fine.
* In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.
* In Portugal, it's against the law to pee in the ocean.
* In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
* In Vermont, it's illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
* In Tennessee, it's illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
* In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
* In Georgia, it's illegal to teach a child under 5 the words "penis" and "vagina."
* Unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties in South Carolina.
* In Italy, anyone considered "obese" is forbidden from wearing polyester.
* It's illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
* Anyone caught selling a "smoothie" that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
* In Arkansas, it's illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
* In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.
* In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call it a "corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.
* In Alabama, prison guards are forbidden from referring to their spouses as "the old ball 'n' chain."
* In Los Angeles, it's illegal for a waiter to tell a customer "I'm really an actor."
* In Indiana, it's against the law to dress "Barbie" in "Ken's" clothes.
* In Sedona, Ariz., it's illegal to lie about your astrological sign.
* In Texas, it's illegal to threaten somebody with an UNLOADED gun.
* In Samoa, it's a crime to forget your wife's birthday.
* In Australia, it's illegal to name any animal you plan to eat.
* In Cannes, France, it's illegal to wear a Jerry Lewis mask.
* In New Jersey, answering a traffic cop who asks "Do you know why I pulled you over?" by saying, "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" is an automatic $300 fine.
* In Kentucky, it's illegal to paint your lawn red.
* In Portugal, it's against the law to pee in the ocean.
* In Connecticut, night watchmen are forbidden from drinking decaf coffee while working.
* In Vermont, it's illegal to pick your nose and stick the pickings under a table.
* In Tennessee, it's illegal to tell someone to quit smoking.
* In Oregon, donut holes must be at least an 1/8th inch in diameter.
* In Georgia, it's illegal to teach a child under 5 the words "penis" and "vagina."
* Unmarried women are not allowed to buy edible panties in South Carolina.
* In Italy, anyone considered "obese" is forbidden from wearing polyester.
* It's illegal to tear a phone book in half in Montana.
* Anyone caught selling a "smoothie" that has lumps is breaking the law in California.
* In Arkansas, it's illegal for a woman getting married for the second time to wear a white wedding gown.
* In Pennsylvania, it's against the law to put a dollar on a string on the ground and yank it when someone tries to pick it up.
* In New York City, it's illegal for a restaurant to call it a "corned beef sandwich" if it's made with white bread and mayonnaise.
Any idiot can get laid when they're famous. That's easy. It's getting laid when you're not famous that takes some talent.
Kevin Bacon, 1996
Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks, most women know otherwise.
Kathleen Turner (1986)
Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.
Bruce Springsteen
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George Burns
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Dorothy Parker
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Steve Landesberg
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Kevin Bacon, 1996
Being a sex symbol has to do with an attitude, not looks. Most men think it’s looks, most women know otherwise.
Kathleen Turner (1986)
Blind faith in your leaders, or in anything, will get you killed.
Bruce Springsteen
Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George Burns
Brevity is the soul of lingerie.
Dorothy Parker
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Steve Landesberg
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Chocolate contains the same chemical - Phenlethylamine - that your brain produces when you fall in love.
Definition: Incalcuably large number, more than a google.
Example: King: How many killed in the battle? Lieutenant: A grillion, mahlud.
"The captain of the Boeing 767 from Toronto to Heathrow asked staff to seek out any trained pilots onboard.
One of the female cabin crew came forward saying she had a commercial pilot’s licence and was asked to take over in the co-pilot’s seat.
The captain praised the attendant to investigators for helping him safely land the plane at Shannon, where the ill flight officer was removed and admitted to the acute psychiatric unit of Ennis Regional Hospital for 11 days.
Seriously...one more thing I have to worry about during a flight.
This keyboard dumbs down the buttons so any 'blonde' could use it. All of the buttons have saying such as "Useless Keys" for all of the function keys, "No!" for the escape key, and "YES" for the Enter key.
Snagged good!
For those who want a character index:
* "me" is Kim, girlfriend of Pete. [only it turns out me isn't really Kim.]
* "drakkertr" is the screen name for some guy, Pete's friend, who's hitting on Pete's girlfriend [or thinks he's hitting on Pete's girlfriend]
As best we can tell, here's what happened...
1. drakkertr (D), Pete's friend, was planning a serious hook-up with Pete's girlfriend, Kim
2. Unfortunately for D, Pete's girlfriend here was really Pete. Pete is 1 jealous conspiratorial mo-fo. D is toasted!
3. D: Huh, Wah? Shock ensues.
4. Seconds pass. D gamely attempts a recovery. Yo, dude, I was joking, dude, ha ha. Sounds like BS. Almost pulls it off for a second (at least on us). But ultimate smell test: BS.
5. Pete spits on D's BS. Not a happy friend. Indicates he plans to communicate his unhappiness to D.
6. D understands, starts peeing in his pants.
Researchers have suggested that Doctors can make use of the Google search engine, for tricky diagnoses. They carried out 26 blind tests, and Google correctly diagnosed 15 of the cases. Let's just hope the doctor doesn't press the 'I'm feeling lucky'. Get Google bombing now!
You Can’t Make An Alcoholic Quit Drinking
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers…every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.
Well, the bartender couldn’t figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in.
The bartender finally said to the guy, “Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3.”
The guy said, “Yes, there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
“One night while we were drinking we decided that we would continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided that if one of us didn’t make it, the other two would drink the third one’s beer. And if two didn’t make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn’t make it back so I’m drinking theirs.” The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn’t believe it. From then on, Friday after Friday, this guy now ordered only two drinks. The bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender said to him, “I notice you’ve only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here.”
The guy said, “Yes, indeed there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church and I can’t drink beer any more.”
This guy went into the bar Friday night and ordered three beers. In fact, every Friday night he went into the bar and ordered three beers and drank them all by himself. Three beers…every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3.
Well, the bartender couldn’t figure this out. Without fail this guy always came in.
The bartender finally said to the guy, “Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3.”
The guy said, “Yes, there is a story. You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
“One night while we were drinking we decided that we would continue doing this when we returned to the States. We also decided that if one of us didn’t make it, the other two would drink the third one’s beer. And if two didn’t make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers. The other two didn’t make it back so I’m drinking theirs.” The bartender felt bad.
Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn’t believe it. From then on, Friday after Friday, this guy now ordered only two drinks. The bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it.
The bartender said to him, “I notice you’ve only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here.”
The guy said, “Yes, indeed there is a story. You see, I joined the Mormon church and I can’t drink beer any more.”
The equestrian statue of the Roman emperor Marcus Aurelius - the largest bronze Roman sculpture in existence - was once used as a gibbet. In 965, Pop John XIII ordered an unruly city prefect to be hanged from the statue by his hair.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: A fat turkey or farm animal looking person.
Example: AHHHHHH! THERE IS A BLONDE NADER HEADED MY WAY!
Definition: A fat turkey or farm animal looking person.
Example: AHHHHHH! THERE IS A BLONDE NADER HEADED MY WAY!
This isn't mine, but it is too funny to not post here. The OP is an US expat that is currently living in Japan.
quote:
I'm going back to the US for Christmas tomorrow! Yay!
My travel agent has, thoughtfully, seen fit to provide me with a pamphlet of helpful tips to make my overseas travel less of an anxiety-filled social minefield riddled with white people and guns. I got such a kick out of these that I wanted to share. (I picked most of the fun ones. There are a lot of boring tips too.)
* The yen is very strong against the dollar right now. This will make goods in America seem very cheap -- an excellent opportunity for shopping! However, remember to be polite in your use of money -- America is in the middle of economic malaise right now, and Japanese people with wads of money in their hand might be looked on with envy. Besides, if you are obviously wealthy in an American city, you may be robbed.
* For our valued customers who work in the automotive industry [#1 employer where I live], we advise discretion. If you must say where you work, the preferred phrasing is [English] "I work at the car company".
* Most Americans are very polite, particularly outside of the big cities. However, outside of the big cities, everyone owns guns. Inside the big cities, almost everyone owns guns. Let's be polite together!
* If you go shopping at an American department store, they will ask you if you want to open a credit card account. They are *not* asking whether you want to use a credit card. This may seem strange but it is an American custom to offer customers a credit card, in order to make them spend more money. We suggest politely declining offers of credit cards. You may have to politely decline several times. Don't think of this as rude, the Americans have to do it too.
* Most Americans think we look like Chinese or Koreans. Try not to be too offended.
* Most Americans will think that a Japanese person standing on the street is an American, unless they are holding a camera. If you are not comfortable speaking English, you might try bringing along a camera to say "I am a tourist, please don't expect me to speak English." Except, don't try this in the big cities -- tourists get mugged in big cities.
* Americans have a social institution called a "gratuity". Basically, the price on the menu at any place which serves food is not the real price. The real price is 20% higher. You have to calculate 20%, write it under the subtotal, and sum to arrive at the real price. Taxis work the same way. It is considered very rude not to pay the "gratuity".
* In general, Americans consider it impolite to discuss politics. However, this January Obama will become the new president, and many people are excited! If they ask you what you think of him, a safe answer is [English] "Obama is really cool." or [English] "Obama speaks so well. Not like me. Hehe." Be very careful when pronouncing his name. O BA MA, just like Obama City. [Ask me later. Hilarity abounds.]
* Most big cities have Japanese food available. You may have to look hard, though -- ask your hotel for some place to eat tempura. Restaurants which say they serve sushi probably only serve makizushi, like California rolls. (Americans think California rolls are [English] "sushi".) If a restaurant says [English] "Asian" they really mean Chinese. They are probably not really Chinese, either.
* Ladies: if you shop for clothes, ask for where to find [English] "petite". It means normal sized. Ladies who are petite may have difficulty finding clothes which fit in America, except at specialty shops.
* McDonalds: Has no teriyaki burger in America. Portions are bigger and food is cheaper. Sometimes the person taking the order does not speak English. Please relax! They probably understand the set menu, although it is called [English] "combo", and you can hold up the number with your hands as shown. [Snip of chart for how Americans count on their fingers, which is actually different than how Japanese people count on their fingers, hence the need for a chart.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish work and start packing. Toothbrush, shirts, camera, bullet-proof vest, wad of monopoly money, you know, the bare necessities.
Too hysterical. Your thoughts? Any related stories to share?
quote:
I'm going back to the US for Christmas tomorrow! Yay!
My travel agent has, thoughtfully, seen fit to provide me with a pamphlet of helpful tips to make my overseas travel less of an anxiety-filled social minefield riddled with white people and guns. I got such a kick out of these that I wanted to share. (I picked most of the fun ones. There are a lot of boring tips too.)
* The yen is very strong against the dollar right now. This will make goods in America seem very cheap -- an excellent opportunity for shopping! However, remember to be polite in your use of money -- America is in the middle of economic malaise right now, and Japanese people with wads of money in their hand might be looked on with envy. Besides, if you are obviously wealthy in an American city, you may be robbed.
* For our valued customers who work in the automotive industry [#1 employer where I live], we advise discretion. If you must say where you work, the preferred phrasing is [English] "I work at the car company".
* Most Americans are very polite, particularly outside of the big cities. However, outside of the big cities, everyone owns guns. Inside the big cities, almost everyone owns guns. Let's be polite together!
* If you go shopping at an American department store, they will ask you if you want to open a credit card account. They are *not* asking whether you want to use a credit card. This may seem strange but it is an American custom to offer customers a credit card, in order to make them spend more money. We suggest politely declining offers of credit cards. You may have to politely decline several times. Don't think of this as rude, the Americans have to do it too.
* Most Americans think we look like Chinese or Koreans. Try not to be too offended.
* Most Americans will think that a Japanese person standing on the street is an American, unless they are holding a camera. If you are not comfortable speaking English, you might try bringing along a camera to say "I am a tourist, please don't expect me to speak English." Except, don't try this in the big cities -- tourists get mugged in big cities.
* Americans have a social institution called a "gratuity". Basically, the price on the menu at any place which serves food is not the real price. The real price is 20% higher. You have to calculate 20%, write it under the subtotal, and sum to arrive at the real price. Taxis work the same way. It is considered very rude not to pay the "gratuity".
* In general, Americans consider it impolite to discuss politics. However, this January Obama will become the new president, and many people are excited! If they ask you what you think of him, a safe answer is [English] "Obama is really cool." or [English] "Obama speaks so well. Not like me. Hehe." Be very careful when pronouncing his name. O BA MA, just like Obama City. [Ask me later. Hilarity abounds.]
* Most big cities have Japanese food available. You may have to look hard, though -- ask your hotel for some place to eat tempura. Restaurants which say they serve sushi probably only serve makizushi, like California rolls. (Americans think California rolls are [English] "sushi".) If a restaurant says [English] "Asian" they really mean Chinese. They are probably not really Chinese, either.
* Ladies: if you shop for clothes, ask for where to find [English] "petite". It means normal sized. Ladies who are petite may have difficulty finding clothes which fit in America, except at specialty shops.
* McDonalds: Has no teriyaki burger in America. Portions are bigger and food is cheaper. Sometimes the person taking the order does not speak English. Please relax! They probably understand the set menu, although it is called [English] "combo", and you can hold up the number with your hands as shown. [Snip of chart for how Americans count on their fingers, which is actually different than how Japanese people count on their fingers, hence the need for a chart.]
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish work and start packing. Toothbrush, shirts, camera, bullet-proof vest, wad of monopoly money, you know, the bare necessities.
Too hysterical. Your thoughts? Any related stories to share?
Click pic to enlarge and read hehe
The Cartoon:
Donald Duck was basically the anti-Mickey Mouse. For his time, he was rude and crass; a real prick that everyone loved. He's played second banana to Mickey for decades, despite many polls back in the day showing him to be the more popular character. Sometimes, we just identify with the asshole more.
What many people don't know is that Donald Duck's rise to fame came in 1943 when Disney decided to him dress up like a goddamn Nazi and make fun of the Axis in the animated short "Der Fuhrer's Face"
What many people don't know is that Donald Duck's rise to fame came in 1943 when Disney decided to him dress up like a goddamn Nazi and make fun of the Axis in the animated short "Der Fuhrer's Face"
What The Fuck?
Yes, this cartoon makes fun of Nazis, but it's still pretty fucking offensive. At the 1:03 mark there is a Japanese character that is literally painted yellow.
Then there is the gay innuendo at 1:07, with the clearly gay depiction of Nazi military leader and future war criminal Hermann Goering getting rammed from behind with the trombone seconds later, proving that the "tromboner" joke you used in elementary school is a tradition dating back to at least the 40s.
But what makes Disney wish this would quietly go away is the portrayal of Donald Duck as the loyal Nazi (during what later turns out to be a dream sequence).
"Der Fuhrer's Face" was just one in a line of seven Pro-US and Pro-Army shorts done by Disney at the time". Also, they weren't the only ones getting in on the propaganda train, seeing as Popeye did it too (with the subtle title, "You're a Sap, Mr. Jap!"), as well as everyone from Daffy Duck to Superman, so yeah, this was pretty common for the time.
Thanks to Cracked for this piece of article
For the rest of the article "Classic Cartoon They Don't Want You To See" Click Here
Why Ask Why What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
How do they check?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
How do they check?
What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Why could Superman stop bullets with his chest, but he always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If it was a three hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes with her?
Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients BUT dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wash bath towels?
Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only be troubled and insecure?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
"When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl."
[Flugg]
"If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then add one more as an afterthought, he'll forget two of the first five."
[Wives]
"Keep up with the Grabowskis . . . you'll never make enough to keep up with the Joneses."
[Advice on Status]
"Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work."
"The dirt is also on the other side."
[Frisk Principle of Window Cleaning]
"When all else fails, why not read the instructions?"
"We should refrain from making very harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, no-good s.o.b.s."
[Flugg]
"If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then add one more as an afterthought, he'll forget two of the first five."
[Wives]
"Keep up with the Grabowskis . . . you'll never make enough to keep up with the Joneses."
[Advice on Status]
"Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work."
"The dirt is also on the other side."
[Frisk Principle of Window Cleaning]
"When all else fails, why not read the instructions?"
"We should refrain from making very harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, no-good s.o.b.s."
Although the Kiwi of New Zealand is only about the same size as a chicken, it lays an egg which is ten times larger than a hen's. The kiwi's egg is nearly a quarter of its body weight.
The nostrils of a kiwi are at the end of its long beak.
The kiwi can't fly, lives in a hole in the ground, is nearly blind and lays just one egg a year. Yet in spite of this, it has survived for over 70 million years
The nostrils of a kiwi are at the end of its long beak.
The kiwi can't fly, lives in a hole in the ground, is nearly blind and lays just one egg a year. Yet in spite of this, it has survived for over 70 million years
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Extremely tight, short-shorts worn by young women in the American South.
Example: A classic example of a pair of Daisy-Dukes can be seen on any of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
Definition: Extremely tight, short-shorts worn by young women in the American South.
Example: A classic example of a pair of Daisy-Dukes can be seen on any of the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
Ah, yes–the wonderful, magnificent “hand-bra”. There’s just something about a woman holding her own breasts that sends a magical lightning bolt of lust through any man worth his weight in Jergens. Maybe it’s that we want to put our hands there, or maybe it’s how freakin’ hot you look doin’ it. So get ready because if you’re already a breast-man, this could possibly be the greatest thing you’ve ever seen in you’re entire life. And if you’re not a breast-man, you’re about to become one. You’re welcome.
To see the rest CLICK HERE
Another Huge thanks to COED Magazine
To see the rest CLICK HERE
Another Huge thanks to COED Magazine
If there’s one thing geeks love more than technology, it’s pictures of hot girls using technology. And we have to say, it’s a damn fine combination. It seems as though Apple products are the gadgets of choice for most hot girls wanting to bring out their inner geek - maybe it’s the sexy styling that goes so well with a sexy body, we don’t know. But whatever it is that makes these lovely ladies strip down to nothing but an iPod, it has to be good.
Click here to see the rest!!!
Thanks COED Magazine
Click here to see the rest!!!
Thanks COED Magazine
#8. Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton makes a living by being rich, and her fame was acquired through the raw, brutal power of her dad's money. When her sex tape hit the internet, the media went insane, and even reputable news organizations were giving the story top billing over the most dramatic of world news. She currently works as a professional annoyance, growing ever-richer by the second.
The Upside:
At one point, her boyfriend calls her a scumbag and tells her to just suck it. A few seconds later, we get to hear him cry out, "OW, BITCH!" Hearing her being verbally degraded and hearing him in pain was somewhat worth the viewing.
The Downside:
Paris Hilton is one of the least attractive famous people I can think of. On a scale of Gary Busey to Salma Hayek, I put her just below Steve Buscemi.
It was 37 minutes of Rick Salomon desperately trying to get off while Paris laid lifeless, the only sounds coming from her mouth being in the form of whining and complaints. Rick could have easily recreated the entire scene by constructing a crude Paris Hilton out of modeling clay, humping it until his own body was embossed to the torso. It would have at least afforded him and us the illusion of a smarter Paris with more personality.
For the rest of the list, click here
Thanks CRACKED
Starring Platinum Rhythms DJ Martin Marshall and MC Mikey Rockwell.
Australasia's phattest Hip Hop DJ/MC duo bring you live mixes, MCing and percussion at Auckland's sexiest waterfront venue.
Free entry
9pm
Saturday 17th January
Traffic Bar & Kitchen
2 Queen Street
Auckland City
Ph: 09 309 3559
As heavily reported elsewhere, a 22-year-old going by “Natalie Dylan” is auctioning off her virginity through the legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Carson City, Nevada.
Well, the auction has reached $3.8 million, but one offer seems more peculiar: a zookeeper has offered a live tiger.
This raises quite a few questions:
What zoo does this guy work at?
Would it be legal to exchange said tiger for sex?
How long will it be until PETA takes a position?
“I get really, really off the wall stuff,” Dylan said. “I get some really out there ones like this one guy who works at a zoo and he offered to break out a tiger — then there’s this guy who offered to divulge medical secrets.”
While stealing a tiger would clearly be illegal, selling tigers in the US is allowed with some rules, including many localities that ban the practice altogether.
The federal Captive Wildlife Safety Act prevents selling big cats across state lines and requires the animals be given adequate space, but does not outlaw owning tigers as pets.
Well, the auction has reached $3.8 million, but one offer seems more peculiar: a zookeeper has offered a live tiger.
This raises quite a few questions:
What zoo does this guy work at?
Would it be legal to exchange said tiger for sex?
How long will it be until PETA takes a position?
“I get really, really off the wall stuff,” Dylan said. “I get some really out there ones like this one guy who works at a zoo and he offered to break out a tiger — then there’s this guy who offered to divulge medical secrets.”
While stealing a tiger would clearly be illegal, selling tigers in the US is allowed with some rules, including many localities that ban the practice altogether.
The federal Captive Wildlife Safety Act prevents selling big cats across state lines and requires the animals be given adequate space, but does not outlaw owning tigers as pets.
On December 18th, 2008, a 10 year-old 5th grader named Chao Qun Zheng went to his elementary school in HeNan, China.
When his teacher, Guo, found out that young Zheng had not completed his homework, she flipped out.
“She was very angry at the time,” he said. “She ripped and twisted my cheeks with both her hands and then she lifted me off the ground.”
The teacher held the boy up until one of his cheeks actually ripped off and the boy was bleeding profusely.
Without hesitation the teacher reached down and picked up Zheng’s cheek skin, put it on his face, and instructed the boy go home immediately.
teacher_student_face_off Angry Teacher Rips Students Cheek Off picture
When the parents saw Zheng, they immediately took him to the hospital where it took 52 stitches to have his cheek sewn back on.
Zheng’s father has reported the case to the police and is expected to press for damages.
When his teacher, Guo, found out that young Zheng had not completed his homework, she flipped out.
“She was very angry at the time,” he said. “She ripped and twisted my cheeks with both her hands and then she lifted me off the ground.”
The teacher held the boy up until one of his cheeks actually ripped off and the boy was bleeding profusely.
Without hesitation the teacher reached down and picked up Zheng’s cheek skin, put it on his face, and instructed the boy go home immediately.
teacher_student_face_off Angry Teacher Rips Students Cheek Off picture
When the parents saw Zheng, they immediately took him to the hospital where it took 52 stitches to have his cheek sewn back on.
Zheng’s father has reported the case to the police and is expected to press for damages.
Click on Image to Enlarge and Read (it's worth it for the laugh!!!)
"Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guy's out dancing."
Buddy Hackett
"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even."
James Carville
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
Janis Joplin
"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity."
Nick Diamos
"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers."
Tom Stoppard
"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon."
Jilly Cooper
"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store."
Miss Piggy
Buddy Hackett
"Don't get mad. Don't get even. Just get elected, then get even."
James Carville
"Don't compromise yourself. You are all you've got."
Janis Joplin
"Never attribute to malice what can adequately be explained by stupidity."
Nick Diamos
"Never believe in mirrors or newspapers."
Tom Stoppard
"Never drink black coffee at lunch; it will keep you awake all afternoon."
Jilly Cooper
"Never purchase beauty products in a hardware store."
Miss Piggy
This dog lives in large packs of five to twenty animals, sometimes as many as fifty. It is one of the most efficient of all predators with a 90% kill rate, and will attack victims of all sizes, from large elands to small hares.
Its organized method of hunting enables it to bring down its prey quickly, this is by out running it.
They can run up to 50kmph for 5km, but if you think after 5km you are safe, then that is when they get you because these dogs run in relays and they will have more of their pack waiting for you up ahead!
The prey is fed upon, sometimes while still alive, and may be entirely consumed within a few minutes.
Oh and did I tell you, they sound like squeaky toys?
HAHA "Attack of the Killer Squeaky Toys!"
Its organized method of hunting enables it to bring down its prey quickly, this is by out running it.
They can run up to 50kmph for 5km, but if you think after 5km you are safe, then that is when they get you because these dogs run in relays and they will have more of their pack waiting for you up ahead!
The prey is fed upon, sometimes while still alive, and may be entirely consumed within a few minutes.
Oh and did I tell you, they sound like squeaky toys?
HAHA "Attack of the Killer Squeaky Toys!"
Origin: From Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
Definition: Phenomon in books andmovies where the populace at large completely ignores something strange and otherwise very noticeable, because it's only of concern to the main characters.
Example: Fan1: There's a giant BAT flying above New York! Nobody noticed?
Fan2: SEP Field.
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.
And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...
1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up
"It's all about money, if Gibson's movies make money. Hollywood doesn't care what Mel Gibson said. Hollywood doesn't worship the 10 Commandments. Hollywood worships the Golden Calf."
Ben Stein
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
"Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices."
Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
"Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view."
Lillian Hellman (1905 - 1984)
"Never try to reason the prejudice out of a man. It was not reasoned into him, and cannot be reasoned out."
Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845)
"Prejudice is opinion without judgement."
Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)
Ben Stein
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
"Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices."
Laurence J. Peter (1919 - 1988)
"Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view."
Lillian Hellman (1905 - 1984)
"Never try to reason the prejudice out of a man. It was not reasoned into him, and cannot be reasoned out."
Sydney Smith (1771 - 1845)
"Prejudice is opinion without judgement."
Voltaire (1694 - 1778)
"I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."
W. C. Fields (1880 - 1946)
Cuban postman Felix Carvajal would have won the bronze medal in the 1904 Olympic marathon had he not stopped to pick unripe fruit from an orchard. The indigestion relegated him to fourth.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: A very rare chemical subtance or element whose structure and apparition can be explained through scientific methods of investigation.
Example: An ufoxid was found near to Stonehenge.
There are many ufoxids near to the Baltic Sea.
Definition: A very rare chemical subtance or element whose structure and apparition can be explained through scientific methods of investigation.
Example: An ufoxid was found near to Stonehenge.
There are many ufoxids near to the Baltic Sea.
* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
* White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. * Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
* Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
* Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
* White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. * Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
* Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
* Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
London Times Obituary of the late Mr. Common Sense
' Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn ' t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don ' t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn ' t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I ' m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. '
' Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn ' t always fair; and maybe it was my fault.
Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don ' t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Elastoplast to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn ' t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I ' m A Victim.
Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing. '
1. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now & we don't know where the heck she is.
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmopolitan!
2. The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
3. I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.
4. I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
5. I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.
6. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
7. I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
8. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
9. If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
10. I don't jog. It makes the ice jump right out of my glass. Except when I run with a cosmopolitan!
Pacifism is simply undisguised cowardice.
unknown
The coward threatens when he is safe.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
They have vilified me, they have crucified me. Yes, they have even criticized me.
Richard J. Daley
People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, 'Why wasn't it done the other way?'
Oliver Wendell Holmes
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard
unknown
The coward threatens when he is safe.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
They have vilified me, they have crucified me. Yes, they have even criticized me.
Richard J. Daley
People can be divided into two classes: those who go ahead and do something, and those who sit still and inquire, 'Why wasn't it done the other way?'
Oliver Wendell Holmes
To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.
Elbert Hubbard