The Irish Prostitute

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. ‘Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?’

The girl, crying, replied, ‘Sniff, sniff…Dad…I became a prostitute…’

‘Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.’

‘OK, Dad– as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and…’

‘Now what was it ye said ye had become?’ says Dad.

Girl, crying again, ‘Sniff, sniff… a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.’

‘Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.’

Dictionary for Women

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Cats and Teenagers

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

2% Milk

Workplace Safety

Karmasheetra

Awesome Epitaph

Thursday Advertising - Silk Soft Toilet Paper

Did You Know....? - A Matter of Life and Death

The New York City Morgue in the Bronx is sometimes so busy that relatives are given numbers and asked to wait in line to be called to identify the body.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - YAWP

Origin: Australian Slang

Definition: A battle cry. Used often by certain members of a boarding school in Australia. Derived from Dead Poets Society the movie.

Example: Q: I challenge you to a match. A: YAWP!

Perfect Day

Bone-less Chicken

Durex Warrantee

Can You Believe His Luck?

Dream Employee

Wednesday De-Motivator

Did You Know....? - Rotten Rulers

Murade IV, who ruled Turkey in the 17th century, found a highly effective way of demonstrating that smoking can seriously damage your health. He ordered that anyone caught smoking be executed on the spot, and that their bodies be left where they were slain as a deterrent to others. Murad was intolerant of many things. He once had a party of female picnickers drowned because they were making too much noise.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - PAT

Origin: American Slang

Definition: Pitching a tent.

Example: Hey, look I'm P.A.T.

Where All Your Old Phones Go...

ONLY IN NEW ZEALAND

Where old phones go . . .
everyone of these sheep is made from obsolete telephones and cords . . .
check out their feet!!!

Housewife of the Year Nominee

Remember when you last said to a visitor ...
"sorry about the mess, I haven’t done my cleaning yet today!"
.....- well, you’ll never say it again after seeing this!!!

OMG this is absolutely gross. Where did she sit or sleep for that matter???

This is an actual apartment..found in Houston after the evacuation for the hurricane. This is NOT hurricane damage....it was found this way prior to the hurricane. Hard to believe there wasn't a fire with all the cigarettes.

Did this woman never hear of an ashtray?

All the Febreeze and Clorox in the world.....is not going to help this mess!

NOOOOOOOOO not the Computer!!!!

ok..here comes the bad parts......

She had intentions of cleaning.......probably put it off till tomorrow~

Im thinkin....wheres the other high heel?

I'm thinkin if those things sittin on the bathroom sink had wings they'd fly away

I have come to one conclusion in all of this......
and its that this woman does not like to cook.
(ok..a couple other conclusions also)

No Dumping

Reality of Divorce

Zero-X

Coffee

Dr. Seuss

Tuesday Signs of the Times

Did You Know....? - Made in Britain

When it was built in 1286, Harlech Castle in West Wales was right on the coast. Now it is half a mile inland. This is because the land around the castle is slowly rising - part of northern Britain springing back into position after being weighed down during the ice age.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Flic

Origin: French Slang

Definition: cop, police officer

Example: Ralentis, il y a une voiture de flics derrière nous (Slow down, there is a cop car behind us.)

Dear Penis

How Not To Pay Attention (Shocking)

Bizzare Books

1. Mated With A Clown; 1884

2. Our Lady of the Potatoes; 1995

3. The Joy of the Upright Man; 1619

4. My Invisible Friend Explains the Bible; 1971

5. Follow Your Broken Nose; 1950

6. The Great Pantyhose Crafts Book; 1982

7. Pernicious Pork; or, Astounding Revelations of the Evil Effects of Eating Swine Flesh; 1903

8. Thirty-six Reasons for Believing in Everlasting Punishment; 1887 9. 1587. A Year of No Importance; n.p. 10. Life and Laughter 'midst the Cannibals; 1926

Education

"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
Mark Twain

"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten."
B.F. Skinner

"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving."
Russell Green

"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths pure theatre."
Gail Godwin

"Education is a companion which no misfortune can depress, no crime can destroy, no enemy can alienate,no despotism can enslave. At home, a friend, abroad, an introduction, in solitude a solace and in society an ornament.It chastens vice, it guides virtue, it gives at once grace and government to genius. Without it, what is man? A splendid slave, a reasoning savage."
Joseph Addison