How Fast


Little Johnny was talking to a couple of boys in the school yard. Each was bragging about how great their fathers are.

The first one said: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow!"


The second one said: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!"


Little Johnny listened to the other two boys and shook his head. He then said: "Sorry, dudes... but MY DAD is the fastest. He's a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30,... and he's home by 3:45!"

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Pilots Wisdom


1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.


3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.


4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.


5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.


6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. Because when it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.


7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.


8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.


9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.


10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.


11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.


12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.


13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.


14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made.


15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.


16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.


17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.


18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.


19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.


20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgment.


21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.


22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.


23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.


24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.


25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

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Wht Would THey Have Driven?


Most people assume WWJD is for "What would Jesus do?". But the initials really have been changed to stand for "What would Jesus drive?".

One theory is that Jesus would tool around in an old Plymouth because the Bible says, "God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury".


But in Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Jesus to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm".


Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast".


Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."


Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills".


Joshua drove a Triumph sports car with a hole in its muffler: "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land". And, following Jesus' lead, the Apostles car pooled in a Honda... "The Apostles were in one Accord."

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The Pirate


A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch, the sailor asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".


"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook?"


"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."


"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch?"


"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.


"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.


"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."

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Perfection


The preacher said, "There's no such thing as a perfect woman. Anybody present who has ever known a perfect woman, stand up."

Nobody stood up.


"Those who have ever known a perfect man, stand up."


One elderly gentleman stood up.


"Are you honestly saying you knew an absolutely perfect man?" he asked, somewhat amazed.


"Well now, I didn't know him personally," replied the little old man, "but I have heard a great deal about him. He was my wife's first husband."

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A Good Way to Start the Day


1. Open a new file in your PC.

2. Name it "HOUSEWORK"


3. Send it to the RECYCLE BIN


4. Empty the RECYCLE BIN


5. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Housework permanently?"


6. Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly....

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Did You Know....? - Soap Bubbles


American network ABC refused to allow a fully-dressed Jeff Colby to kiss wife Fallon's foot in the Colbys for fear of encouraging foot-fetishists.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Backognise


Origin: American Slang

Definition:  To recognize from behind; to correctly identify someone, having only seen her back.

Example: I backognized Richard Simmons on Broadway the other day.

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Captains Mystery


Once upon a time there was a famous sea captain. This captain was very successful at what he did; for years he guided merchant ships all over the world. Never did stormy seas or pirates get the best of him. He was admired by his crew and fellow captains.

However, there was one thing different about this captain. Every morning he went through a strange ritual. He would lock himself in his captain's quarters and open a small safe. In the safe was an envelope with a piece of paper inside. He would stare at the paper for a minute, then lock it back up. Afterwards, he would go about his daily duties. For years this went on, and his crew became very curious.


Was it a treasure map? Was it a letter from a long lost love? Everyone speculated about the contents of the strange envelope.


One day the captain died at sea. After laying the captain's body to rest, the first mate led the entire crew into the captains quarters.


He opened the safe, got the envelope, opened it and...


The first mate turned pale and showed the paper to the others. Four words were on the paper; two lines with two words each:


Port Left

Starboard Right

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Bidding Higher


One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.

Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!


As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"


"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

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Insurance


A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.

"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"


"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"

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Motorcycle Ride


There were two guys on a motorcycle driving down the road. The driver was wearing a leather jacket that didn't have a zipper or any buttons.

Finally he stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."


After thinking for a while he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. So they were driving down the road and they came around this curb and wrecked. The farmer that lived there called the police and told them what happened.


The police asked him, "Are either of them showing any life signs?"


The farmer then said, "Well, that first one was 'til I turned his head around the right way."

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Did You Know....? - Funny Business


The working title for the Last of the Summer Wine was the Library Mob.  It was originally intended to set the series in Back to back terraced houses in Rotherham

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - E-Tude


Origin: American Slang

Definition:  Have having a poor, snotty, or rebellious attitude during email communication.  

Example:  Why are you arguing with me? Lose the e-tude, please.

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Friday Man Babe - Alex O’Loughlin


O’Loughlin says, “Losing my anonymity in this world I think is something that I find terrifying”.
O’Loughlin landed his first starring role in the Australian made film Oyster Farmer.  He has appeared in episodes of The Shield and Moonlight.  He will be appearing in a new TV series Three Rivers coming this fall.

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Indian Curry

 
Gavin was walking along the High Street of his shire when a right English rain began to tumble down. Ducked he himself into a pub, whereupon friends he met, quaffed a number of pints, and then a few more, and began the long slow stagger home in the midnight hour.

Meandering in the cold, Gavin decided it was time to get himself an Indian curry, so he stepped into the nearest New Dehli Deli take-away and ordered an extra hot vindaloo. Getting home at long last, Gavin put the curry on the kitchen table while and went to the bathroom to freshen up.

Now it would come to pass that the house cat closed in on the curry and, hungry and bored, decided to take the temptation to task. Nom nom. Nibble nibble. Chow chow. Lick lick. The vindaloo vanished.

Sure enough, Gavin returned and was shocked to find his felis domesticatus fully immersed, whiskers in the sauce, licking the tin clean.

Gavin grabbed his cat by the scruff of its neck, and carried him out to the trash bin. "You horrible little floor mop. Now you've done it! Good riddance!" he shouted. Filling a trash can with water, he tossed the cat into it and slammed the lid down, keeping it weighted down with bricks.

Returning to his abode, Gavin started to feel very sorry for himself. A few minutes later he heard a knock on the window, and sure enough, when he looked there, he saw his cat.

The cat looked at him and asked,

"You wouldn't happen to have any more water, would you?"

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Pregnancy Q & A

 
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough for anyone.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

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The Dinner Party

A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the kitchen."

The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish which they were going to serve.

The host said, "Just fill the hole with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."

The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said,

"The cat is dead!"

The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped out at the hospital."

When they came back everything was still fine and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"

"Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the truck ran it down!"

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How I learned to Mind My Own Business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting, '13….13…..13.' 


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on…..

Some crazy person poked me in the eye with a stick! Then they all started shouting '14….14….14'…


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No One Appreciates a Good Job


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.


The letter read:



Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.


Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.


Can you please help me?


Sincerely,


Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:



Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?


Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful Gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing.

I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,


Edna

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Friday Funny


The Hangover

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face."

"He's an asshole. I should have pissed on him."

"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" yelled Colin.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday."


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Did You Know....? - As Seen on TV


At the end of an interview with Duran Duran on The Tube, Paula Yates realised that she had been sitting on the microphone.  So nobody heard a word.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Cack


Origin: English Slang

Definition:  Individuals who are of great arrogance, or who are wholly belonging to the mainstream society and laws of social conformity and use that to their advantage. Cacks are also identified as assholes or similar offensive names.

Example:  Due to the thirty gallons of coffee you drink every day, and the minimum wage you pay, that automatically makes you, sir, a cack.

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