Aaron Gouveia and his wife go to an abortion clinic to get rid of their 16-week-old baby who was suffering of a congenital deformity and has no chance of survival. On their way in, they are confronted with these two protesters:
Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch & wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.
One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."
After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.
"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."
After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."
The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"
The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
Ascaryus (Jan 20-Feb 18): This Halloween looks to be a scary one for you. But before you go around crying, "Ooooh, I want my mummy! I want my mummy!" think about this: You want more lovin’, right? Well, if you run around like a scaredycat, you will, to quoth the raven, "Neverscore."
Pieces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Vampires are evil, hypnotic people who will emerge in the night and drain you. Sounds like someone I used to date. You need to be careful because you may have closed the metaphoric coffin lid on a relationship, only to find that this person will rise from the graveyard of your heart to worm their way back into your life. One word of advice from "Buffy The Vampire Slayer": A vampire can only come in if you invite them.
Scaries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You've got to pick up every stitch this Halloween because, unless I miss my guess, it must be the Season of the Witch. If only every holiday could be commemorated with a bad Donovan song. Wouldn't it be great, on Thanksgiving, to sit around the table, giving thanks for the bounty we are to receive by singing a rousing round of "Mellow Yellow"? That is truly the most horrifying thought you can be faced with this Halloween.
Tarot (Apr 20-May 20): Sure, you ladies have been looking for some lovin'. But you don't want to go for just any Tom Dick and Harry. And heaven forfend you go for any Jack you find, especially when that Jack is some hollow-headed grinning gap-toothed idiot. But then again, despite his weird exterior, if you look inside, you'll see a flame burning bright. This might be the season of the witch, but if you try not to act so witchy and look past the odd exterior, you'll find hidden depths in the ugliest places.
OnlyOneEye (May 21- Jun 20): Horror is in the eye of the beholder, whether that eye be bloodshot and yellow, peering at you from the shadows of the night, or whether the eye is a horrible dismembered giant radioactive eye. What is truly scary? A werewolf? A werewolf is not so much a horrible half-man half-beast as a chronic undershaver. A headless horseman is just the victim of a particularly bad hair day. In much the same way, you can find the brighter side of anything that comes your way, no matter how horrific or annoying.
Dancer (Jun 21-Jul 22): Scary is relative, and we don't just mean your crazy relatives who threaten to come visit for six weeks, but rather the idea that whereas a movie with monsters made out of cardboard boxes and paper mache may have been the scariest thing you'd ever seen when you were eight, it now looks like crap. You must get over your initial fears of a new project or relationship; although it seems insurmountable now, if you stick with it, you will eventually be able to overcome it.
Tao (Jul 23-Aug 22): Frankenstein's monster was, of course, made out of the parts of a couple dozen other people, which must have been hell when it came to custody hearings. Nothing's more awkward at a family reunion than having one-tenth of Cousin Harry show up at the buffet. You, too, feel like you're being pulled in twenty different directions, but you'll soon receive the jolt you'll need to get on your feet again.
Vertigo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Pity the poor skeleton who wanders around on Halloween, looking so unfashionable in all-white a full two months after Memorial Day. Of course, he can't help it, and he is actually successful in the love department; after all, he is "ribbed" for her pleasure. This week you'll find that you attract more flies with honey than even dead zombie flesh, and being inherently nice to the opposite sex will make them flock to you like vultures to a skeleton.
Webra (Sep 23-Oct 22): Zombies are pretty well-known for trying to suck the brains out of people's heads. As was every high school algebra teacher I ever had. Coincidence? Considering that those people were always pale on the point of being green, had trouble communicating more than moans and incoherent screams, and had awkward, stumbling walks down the hallway, I think it's lucky I escaped without some horrible "Night of the Living Dead scenario." You escape a horrific fate worse than death , if you can steer clear of boring people at parties.
Scareio (Oct 23-Nov 21): You think you're being slick, but the truth is that you're like a ghost; people can see through you, and all the noise you're making is more effective scaring small children and dogs than actually doing anything. It's time to leave your old haunts and take care of that grave matter that's all your vault.
Sekeltarious (Nov 22-Dec 21): Boo! Scared ya!
Capricandycorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You're in the zone this week! The Twilight Zone, that is, and it's going to be a creepy thrill ride with an incredibly ironic twist at the end that serves as a commentary on our mixed-up Cold War nuclear society. Don't let the creepy situations you get yourself into this week get you skittish. Let them get you Skittles; why not go Trick-or-Treating? It's fun to dress up, get given stuff, and not have to give ten percent to a big guy named Huggy Bear. And Halloween candy doesn't count as calories!
I'll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween… -- Unknown
Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing,
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.
William Shakespeare, Witches in Macbeth
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me. - Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid, there were rules to the art of door-to-door extortion. Kids today don't even know that they're going about Halloween all wrong. - Robert Kirby
Proof of our society's decline is that Halloween has become a broad daylight event for many. - Robert Kirby
A young Scottish lad and lassie were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, and just gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."
"Well, uh, I was thinkin'. . . perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. Then he blushed.
Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."
The young man knit his brow. "Well, now," he said, "my thoughts are a bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad. "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me that first penny?"
A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, "Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?"
Jerry answered, "Dad says, 'Go easy on the butter, kids, it's three dollars a pound!'"
Abraham wanted a new suit, so he bought a nice piece of cloth and then tried to locate a tailor. The first tailor he visited looked at the cloth and measured Abraham, then told him the cloth was not enough to make a suit.
Abraham was unhappy with this opinion and sought another tailor. This tailor measured Abraham, then measured the cloth, and then smiled and said, "There is enough cloth to make a pair of trousers, a coat and a vest, please come back in a week to take your suit."
After a week Abraham came to take his new suit, and saw the tailor's son wearing trousers made of the same cloth.
Perplexed, he asked, "Just how could you make a full suit for me and trousers for your son, when the other tailor could not make a suit only?"
"It's very simple," replied the tailor, "The other tailor has two sons."
Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but the following call to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.
After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit.
Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."
What's in a name? Apparently, a lot more than you (or I) ever thought there was. Here's what his pet name for you really means.....
Darling -- Depends on how he says it. If he stresses the first syllable, then he's probably done something wrong or wants money.
Dear -- Probably a leftover from his parents. Expect him to wear woolly cardigans, smoke a pipe and prefer a mug of Ovaltine to lager.
Sweetheart -- If it's said patronizingly, it's not so sweet. But when uttered in earnest, it may send your own sweet heart aflutter.
Babe -- Not to be confused with the film of the same name. Check for flares or signs that he's a 70s throwback. He's a bit of a medallion man. Chances are he's got his initials on his chunky ring. Leave immediately if he tries to sell you a second-hand car.
Baby doll -- This type of man will probably require you to wear transparent frilly nighties even in the dead of winter. He doesn't want you to grow up, and obviously can't deal with real women.
Princess -- Never trust a man who calls you princess. You may think you're being treated like royalty, but beware of Prince Charmings - they may be secretly plotting your over- throw.
Sexy -- Fine if you're sexy. If you're not, who cares? He probably thinks you are anyway!!
My girlfriend -- He's honest, open and probably glad to have you around. The next thing you know he'll be using your name!
The wife -- If you're married then he probably thinks he owns you. If you're not, he probably thinks you act like his wife, in which case, he thinks he owns you.
My other half -- You complete the set - he's only half a man without you. But it may make you feel as though you are losing your identity somewhere.
The missus -- See The Wife.
My partner -- He's right on. Probably likes eating tofu and hugging trees.
My significant other -- He's even more right on. Probably thinks it's cruel to eat tofu and that trees need their own space.
She who must be obeyed -- He thinks you're a nag, but probably doesn't lift a finger around the house.