1. ON METAPHYSICS Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before.
2. ON DEEP THOUGHTS A day without sunshine is like night.
3. ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and demand a refund?
4. ON HIGHER EDUCATION College is a fountain of knowledge... and the students are there to drink.
5. ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
6. ON YOUTH Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk. -- Stephen King, 3/8/90
6. ON PROBLEM SOLVING When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble a nail. -- Abraham Maslow
7. ON MATERIALISM He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
8. ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES Photons have mass? I didn't know they were Catholic!
9. ON INFINITY If you had everything, where would you keep it?
10. ON ECONOMICS The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
11. ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University
12. ON REVISIONIST HISTORY What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
13. ON DATING When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional division by zero.
14. ON POETIC LOVE When you're swimmin' in the creek And an eel bites your cheek That's a moray! -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
15. ON MODERNISM Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light-bulb? A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
16. ON MATERIAL SCIENCE Character density: The number of very weird people in the office.
17. ON EXTINCTION Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
18. ON LITERATURE This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force. -- Dorothy Parker
19. ON HUMILITY To err is human, to moo bovine.
20. ON EXPLANATION OF THE END ... One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs. -- Robert Firth
21. ON PROPHECY The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
22. ON EXCUSES I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. -- Joe Walsh
23. ON NUMBERS Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for very large values of 2.
24. ON WORLD POLITICS Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
25. AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.
There is an annual contest at University of New Brunswick calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term was: "Political Correctness".
The winner wrote: "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end."
Political correctness does not legislate tolerance; it only organizes hatred. Jacques Barzun
Political Correctness doesn't change us, it shuts us up. Glenn Beck
The cornerstone of the political correctness that dominates campus culture is radical feminism. Phyllis Schlafly
“The two pillars of 'political correctness' are:
a) willful ignorance
b) a steadfast refusal to face the truth”
“Political correctness is the natural continuum from the party line. What we are seeing once again is a self-appointed group of vigilantes imposing their views on others. It is a heritage of communism, but they don't seem to see this.” Doris Lessing
In America, we love our pop culture so much that we want to bang it. So, the kind people at dozens of different companies have decided to make this time-wasting possibility a reality with some absolutely off-the-wall sex toys. From the Harry Potter vibrating broom, to the Avatar Fleshlight, to the Lady Gaga blow-up doll, to the most disgusting dildo you will see in your entire life (zombie), here are the 13 most epically insane (and sometimes disgusting) pop culture oriented sex toys.
The Nimbus 2000
Okay, Mattel, who the hell are we kidding? For those who haven't heard of this, this is basically a toy that came out, was used for *ahem* by very young teenage girls because it was a broomstick, just like in Harry Potter (that vibrated vigorously).
Now, the good people at Mattell didn't "mean" for this to happen, but it calls to attention the very argument that makes me question exactly how these things come to fruition in the first place: How many freaking levels of development do toys go through? During this ENTIRE process not a single person stops to think "wow, we're just making the world's cheapest, coolest-looking 30 inch vibrator"? Really?
Not only this, but it has a grooved stick and handle for easy riding.
According to news reports and some hilariously clueless Amazon.com reviews, the Nimbus 2000 has the following results:
"When my 12-year-old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to love it."
"even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick!"
When asked about the situation a representative from Mattel told reports that "As always, the well-being of the children is our top priority, and we in no way consider this toy to be inappropriate."
So basically, let the kids masturbate!
Guido Sex Doll
The Jersey Shore folks have brought us all a lot of joy, entertainment, and a new level, a new caliber, even, of douche from which to measure all other douches.
So what is the next step in this very close, budding relationship between America and the douchebags you usually avoid at clubs because they always spill their drinks and/or dance too hard? That's right, it's a love doll that allows the American (and now the international) public to dig deep into their pockets to play with and have sex with blow-up dolls that look like them.
This hilarious quote (that I'm not sure anyone ever actually said on the show): "Whatta Friggin' Zippahead!" is plastered on the box, perhaps the mating call of the average Guido.
So, the doll probably looks nothing like the guy on the cover, which leaves what? That's right, you just bought an extra-expensive blow up dude of a guy with shitty hair, hard pecs and defined abs, aka "a regular blow-up doll."
Don't worry, though, guys can also partake in the Guido Love Doll with the (and they really thought this one out here) Guidette Love Doll. The Guidette Love Doll is basically a blow-up doll of a slutty looking girl with big breasts, a constantly open mouth, and hair so ugly you have to put a wig over it to make it look real, aka a "regular blow-up doll". You can buy it here.
Either way you swing, turns out these things are available on amazon.com, so get your wishlists ready for December, people! (God help us all).
Click here to buy it, and to make sure it's real. They really sell these. We live in THAT kind of world.
Product Description on box, which shows the beauty of trying to outsource your sexy product descriptions:
Now you can have your very own version of Jersey's most juiced-up gigolo! Meet Guido, the bronzed-up zippahead [once again, they never say this in the show] with rock-hard abs and more juice than Tropicana. Just add air and this pumped-up douche bag is ready to make your fist-pump and your panties wet. He's got a beefy Italian sausage under his jeans and more lines than loose leaf. Give this greaseball a chance to get in your pants and ride his Italian stallion. Whaddaya Stumad?
The Mojowijo - The Wii Sex Toy
Maybe they should rename this system, but only when it's being used for this game, "The Wheee!" or even better yet, the "Oui" (this will be the all-black, more sophisticated version).
Announced in September of 2010, the Mojowijo is a game for the Wii that you can hook-up, set up to the custom controllers to the left (which work for both males and females) and then play games with. Kind of like being on the opposite end of a tennis match, any movement the parter "throws" or "thrusts" gets reflected onto the other controller.
With an internet connection, this even works if your lover is in another state, country or continent.
This will not only revolutionize long-distance relationships, but the embarrassment of getting caught playing video games when your roommate comes home (if you haven't taken out the garbage.)
The perfect stalking stuffer for the necrophile in your family, this zombie dildo (made, cleverly, by a company called Necronomicox), is exactly what it sounds like -- no, it's not a flaccid toy, it's a toy meant to mimic a zombie's penis.
Taking the whole "Twilight Dildo" concept to a new level of creepy, this one isn't only supposed to "feel" dead, but it looks dead, which is an immediate turn-off for most people (but once again, to each their own.) It includes puss-filled boils, ripping flesh and open sores (so really, it's probably just like being with Warren Beatty, who has reportedly been with over 60 women.)
If that's not enough of a turn-off, it's also really, really, expensive, coming in at $195.
Although you don't always have to go for actively rotting, this rubber dong is meticulously crafted and hand-painted to your sick-ass specifications.
This hand crafted and body safe (7-inch!) silicone dildo is more detailed than any dildo you have ever seen before.
The artists not only have sculpted an insane monstrosity for you from the influence of some of your favorite horror classics... but they also hand paint each dildo, so if anyone says anything, you can be a pretentious ass about it.
If you're not into the Necronomicox, you can also go here to buy a brand new bullet that comes in a little coffin and is colored lime green, custom-made for your more conservative necrophiliacs.
Lady Gag Gag
Lady GaGa is probabbly one of the few celebs who not only endoreses sex dolls made out of her likeness, she probably would pose for one if she didn't have a manager and a record label giving her hell about it. We could probably take the mold from all those awards shows where she doesn't wear underwear then props her foot up on a stage monitor.
As it stands, the body double used on the cover of the box looks enough like her to work for most people (but not the purists, who make stuff out of locks of her hair).
The tag lines on the box say such great quotes as "I Wanna Take A Ride On Your Disco Stick" and "She Loves It When You Poke-Her Face".
Between this and the fan-made Lady GaGa fleshlight (which actually looks exactly Janice from the Muppets), it appears that Stephanie Germenotta (yes that is Lady Gaga's name) will be well represented in the world of masturbatory devices for a long time to come.
Click here to buy your very own Gaga, or "Gag Gag". This time YOU supply the meat.
While not specifically an Avatar Fleshlight (although I suppose you could argue it could be a Smurfette fleshlight, or even a Mystique from X-Men fleshlight... or Beast from X-Men, depending on how he keeps his situation), the demand for a N'avvi sex toy post-Avatar was too great to ignore -- pushing this fake blue love-orifice for guys to the front of the line as an Avatar sex toy.
If you don't remember James Cameron's Avatar then, mathematically, you were in a coma for the last 2 years. It stars a race of indigenous blue humanoid creatures called the Na'Vi made by CGI and motion-capture technology... there's a sex scene somewhere in there, and ever since we've seen such crazy fan moments as "Post Avatar Depression" where Avatar fans were becoming increasingly depressed because the world that existed in the film doesn't exist in real life.
I've gone through some of that too, it's called "waking up".
So, after many-a photo manipulation, internet meme and slash fiction, we get the blue Avatar fleshlight. Why is it an Avatar fleshlight? Well, because it's blue. Also, if this were meant to mimic any woman's "situation", it would be one with a horrible, horrible disease.
Also, though, it was released along with the popular Avatar XXX Porn Parody that came out courtesy of amazing director Axel Braun and production house Hustler.
The most important question other than how much these things will run you is "would being with a Na'Vi be beastiality or an interracial relationship?"
Think about that next time you're high at a party (and make sure to bring it up!)
Also, this just makes me wish that the classic Star Wars had come out in our perverse age, so we'd be seeing Wookie Fleshlights and Ewok Fleshlights and Sarlaac Pit fleshlights for the anal sex enthusiasts.
Click here to buy this Fleshlight that will illuminate your alone time because if you were really waiting for this to come out, then your life is obviously shrouded in darkness and we're all very, very sorry.
Divine Interventions in General
Remember what is arguably the most offensive scene in The Exorcist? No, the other one. No no, the other one.
That's right, the third most offensive part of The Exorcist, the one where she masturbates with a cross, can now be accurately portrayed in the very comfort of your own home.
You can now act like the most terrifying demon in demon history and masturbate with a cross (complete with Jesus Christ himself -- and his rippling, sexy abs -- right on the shaft for added convenience and ribbing.)
If this isn't enough, they also make it so that you can ingest the Virgin Mary herself. Feeling that this is too sacrilegious? Well no worry, they also make Buddha dildos for your Christians, and if you think masturbating with deities is too much, then go with their arch nemesis: THE DEVIL!
Are all those historical figures too antiquated for you? That's fine, because now, with the convenience of the internet, you can now finally have "that thing your mother should REALLY never see". Ready for it? Look closely at the picture.
That's right! A BABY JESUS BUTT-PLUG, BABY!
Looks like these little Blasphemy from the past toys are bonafide and guaranteed to get you closer to God.
After that Zombie Dildo, this one actually seems kind of tame. But still...
Mentioned in about 9 million lists on the internet (and this site), the Twilight Dildo is something that nobody should be surprised by at this point. It's a sex toy for women/men that allows them to pretend they've having sex with a well-endowed, sturdy and more-resilient-than-actual-dead-flesh penis.
Ready for the product specs for this deal-breaker?
1) It sparkles in sunlight (like the Tiger Beat vampires in Twilight), which is good for the dildo crowd because if this acted like real vampires, I guess it would explode into a burst of flames -- which could ruin anyone's orgasm, really.
2) It's made from temperature-retaining material which allows it to be put in a freezer and retain its cold temperature so that people can pretend they're having sex with a corpse, vampire, or zombie that has worn really thick, protectant pants.
This sex toy chills me to the bone. Get it? 2 Levels. Funny on 2 levels. Thank you.
Wanna buy this bad boy or make sure it really exists? Check it out here.
Starwars Light Saber Dildo
Remember when I said in the Avatar sex toy entry how I wish there were Star Wars sex toys? Well, I guess there already are....albeit non official ones, of course (why won't you let us have ANYTHING, LucarArts?!).
So, we take the greatest fictional weapon of all time and make what is one of the geekiest, coolest sex toys of all time.
The Lightsaber Dildo.
All you need is a toy lightsaber with a retractable blade, a brightly colored clear-jelly dildo, a utility knife, and a mini LED flashlight and TA-DA! .
Next thing ya know, you can be playing Han Solo and the Tauntaun, and you can be the tauntaun.
Or you can start singing the theme while you and your wife play Sith Lord and and Jedi Knight and one of you always gets cut in half ;-)
Probably the easiest homemade geek sex toy for women, this is an amazing find and something you should definitely consider for the female geek in your life.
If you're a Republican Tea Partier, you can now bang the likeness of America's favorite Mama Grizzly, Sarah Palin.
Or, you can bring hate-sex to a whole new level by blowing up Sarah Palin, banging her, and then seeing her slowly do what most women probably do emotionally when you're done with them (or if you're a lady, what you do after sex on a first date, mood-wise.)
The Sarah Palin: "Cross party lines with your own inflatable running mate!"
The best part about the box are the tiny words "This is NOT" right above the enormous "SARAH PALIN".
Click here to buy this sex toy for the Palin lover in your life, or if you need a goofy prop for a movie you'll spend too much time on and nobody will ever see, or if the Sears catalog cancelled your date on Friday.
Just so you know, Obama dildos also exist. This was more interesting, but if you're really curious... here you go.
It gets pretty cold and lonely for some during the holidays, but warming up with hot cocoa, or contemplating suicide are apparently out of style.
How about warming up with these lovely Santa Claus themed vibrators?
The first one is a Candy Cane.
The second one is what I almost thought was your normal Santa Claus Pez Dispenser. Unfortunately for all our childhoods, it is not. It is really, really not.
The name of the product? Old St. Prick. Brilliant.
We all like to think of Santa as asexual, but think about it -- he's so happy all the time, and women gravitate towards confidence and self-fulfillment.
Maybe St. Prick takes a trip to the south pole with it, if ya know what I mean, I mean he looks like a dude version of Mrs. Clause, for God's sake. You know why Pandas have trouble pro-creating in zoos and in the wild? Because they all freakin' look the same (thank you, Mike Birbiglia). This is the problem Santa Claus, has, so he has to explore other tendencies... which is what I'm drawing from the picture shown here which is, clearly, evidence of my theory.
INTERESTING THOUGHT: Wouldn't Santa qualify as a Polar Bear?
VALIDATION: And if it is good enough for Santa, then it is good enough for you. The tag line for this one is "Santa Ain't the Only One Coming this Holiday!" And after you're done giving Santa his cookie, well... um... [ double-entendre about milk and/or semen ].
Tiger Woods Sex Doll
Remember when we all thought Tiger Woods was this squeaky clean millionaire athlete?
Yeah, that was as boring as watching golf.
Now, if you are on the list of five women that Tiger Woods didn't have sex with, you too can pretend to be one of his ho's and get it on with the Tiger himself.
This one is advertised as "The #1 Golf Love Doll" - I just wanna know where the fuck #2 is.
Alien Love Doll
The Alien Love Doll, or should I say "The Area 51 Love Doll" is perfect for the X-Files watching, "We are Not Alone" geek in your life.
She (or it) has three love holes, which as far as I can tell, make it just like a normal human female.
It also has three breasts like that one woman in Total Recall, as well as coming with a free vial of "Alien Lube", which is in green in the graphics. This probably means green lube. There's a lot of things I'll take for free, but this is kind of stretching it a bit.
Either way, probably the most disturbing part about this whole thing? The alien, when properly inflated, is only about 2 feet tall.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt began acting at the age of seven. His first TV appearance was in two episodes of Family Ties. At age ten he played “David Collins/Daniel in a revival of Dark Shadows. He appeared in the Disney film Beethoven followed by a small part in A River Runs Through It. Later he was cast as “Tommy Solomon” in the comedy series 3rd Rock from the Sun. Other film appearances were in Holy Matrimony, co-starring with Patricia Arquette, The Juror, which starred Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin, 10 Things I Hate About You with Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles, and The Lookout with co-star Jeff Daniels.
Playing golf with his buddies, my grandfather had to make a slick 25-foot putt. As he lined it up, he announced, "I have a dollar bill that says I can make this putt. Does anyone want to bet?"
His three friends eagerly agreed to the wager. My grandfather missed the putt by ten feet, and his friends gathered around to collect their money. Granddad pulled out a dollar bill on which he had written, "I can make this putt."
His pals are still trying to collect on the bet and grandpa is too.
An old man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing -- 45 years of misery is enough!"
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and
I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like heck they're getting a divorce!" she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, Do you hear me?" and she hangs up.
The old man hangs up the phone and turns to his wife. "OK," he says, "They're both coming for Thanksgiving --- and they're paying their own way!"