Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it.

Blaming your farts on me...not funny...not funny at all.

Yelling at me for barking... I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!!

How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn't all over everything while you're gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat butt?)

Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly who's walk is this anyway?

Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why'd you buy carpet?

Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet...idiot.

How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous.

Dog sweaters. Have you noticed the fur? Imbecile.

Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

When you pick up the crap piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?

Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out everytime we go back.
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain, you nitwit.

Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us? To my knowledge, dogdom hasn't yet solved the visible fence problem!!