Spooge's Spit Up - Funny Quotes

"I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five."
Steven Wright

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name."
Paula Poundstone

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."
Steven Wright

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
Groucho Marx

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor."
Joan Rivers

"If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?"
Lily Tomlin

"My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic."
Spike Milligan