BULLETIN:

1. Parish information read only during the homily.

2. Catholic air conditioning.

3. Your receipt for attending Mass.

CHOIR:

A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.

HOLY WATER:

A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.

HYMN:

A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.

RECESSIONAL HYMN:

The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.

INCENSE:

Holy Smoke!

JESUITS:

An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

JONAH:

The original "Jaws" story.

JUSTICE:

When kids have kids of their own.

KYRIE ELIEISON:

The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.

MAGI:

The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

MANGER:

1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.

2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

PEW:

A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

PROCESSION:

The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

RECESSIONAL:

The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass– led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

RELICS:

People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

TEN COMMANDMENTS:

The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.

USHERS:

The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.