Spooge's Spit Up - What They Don't Tell You On The Box

Anyone who has been out shopping for toys will know that toy packaging can be very effective in convincing us of the merits of a certain product. What they do not mention are some the hazards that goes with allowing certain products into your house. True the ‘Big’ things (’Choking Hazards’, ‘Danger of Suffocation’ etc.) are prominently displayed. That is not, however, what I am talking about. I’m thinking more about the things we wished we knew before we plonked down our money. We are therefore proud to, as a much needed public service, make a few recommendations for a few new warnings to be placed on selected toys:

• Building Blocks (Lego etc.): Warning – Stepping on a building block on the way to the bathroom at 3am can be a bewildering and painful experience. Please make sure that blocks are stored securely and away from unsuspecting feet.
  

• Boomerang:
  Warning – Purchasing this boomerang can lead to extended periods spent in trees trying to recover it. Please reconsider your purchase unless you are of Aboriginal extraction or inordinately fond of tree-climbing.
  

• Musical Instruments: Warning – Most musical instruments sound terrible when played by total beginners. Please ensure that you are ready for a few weeks of edgy pets and irate neighbors.
  

• Science Sets: Warning – The set you are about to buy is generally safe. We can, however, not be responsible for what might happen if your little ‘pride and joy’ decides to simply mix all the chemicals together and add a few from the kitchen. You should, at the very least, ensure that your smoke alarm is working properly.
  

• Some electronic toys: Warning – The amount of energy consumed by this toy means that it goes through batteries at an alarming rate. Please make sure that you have a facility to recharge batteries or prepare to take out a second mortgage on your house.
  

• Dolls/Action Figures: Warning –
  Every effort has been made to make your new toy as anatomically correct as possible, save for a few crucial details. Please be prepared to answer a few awkward questions.
  

• Football/Soccer Ball:
  Warning – Please consider your age before buying this product. Purchase will require you to run after the ball on numerous occasions, perhaps stretching your current level of fitness to its limit.
  

So there you have it. Updated warning for some of the most popular toys around. If someone can now just get round to ‘labeling’ some of the rest of the things that we fill our days with! For starters, the couch in our house certainly needs a warning about uncontrolled swelling occurring with overuse.