Blue Monday

Tips for Stable Life

You could, for instance, rent a bus and drive it at high speed through a large group of nuns, but then someone will say you're in prison for thirty years or maybe twenty years or maybe two if the prison is really crowded. There you are again, not knowing what to expect.

So I'm going to offer what help I can. First, let me assure you about the afterlife. Everybody is going to hell. There's one true religion, and nobody has figured out what it is. I wouldn't worry, though. Most people with near-death experiences say hell isn't too bad. It's a bit like Wisconsin.

I can also tell you what pronouns mean. There are various words, such as he, she, this and that. People will tell you they aren't anything specifically, but they're lying.

Them is one example. You'll often hear people talk about "them" without knowing who them might be. Fortunately, I chanced to hear a set of distant relatives referred to as "Boney and them." So, whenever someone talks about them, they mean a group of Irish-decended people who live in Pennsylvania and upstate New York.

Them is not to be confused with "Them Thar hills." Them Thar hills is a very scattered range of mountains stretching from Tennessee to eastern New Mexico. There used to be gold in Them Thar hills, but now there's just some uranium ore, and Them Thar hills are now owned by the Japanese.

You should also know what the more vague time references mean. "These days" are usually Mondays, Tuesdays and Fridays, and "those days" are the rest of the week. There are a few exceptions during daylight savings time.

The average person (her name is Jennifer, and she lives in Toronto) prefers these days. True, she'll say things like, "These days, a candy bar costs a fortune." On the other hand, it's one of these days that she's going to tell uncle what she thinks of his goddamn chihuahua. Nobody takes that big a risk when it's "one of those days."

"The other day" is June 14th. It's called the other day because it's the only day that isn't one of these days or one of those days. When I talk to someone, they usually say, "You know, I was talking about you the other day."

In fact, I think most of the people I know spent the other day in a large building, talking about me. I think they're plotting to kill me. Then I'll spend eternity in Wisconsin with a bunch of nuns who got run over by a bus.