Headlines from 2034
* Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.
* White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. * Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
* Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
* Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
* White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
* Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock. * Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
* Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
* Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
* France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica . No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!
* Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
* George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
* Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
* 85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
* Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
* Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Floruba.
* Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
* Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States .
* Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.
* Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
* Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
* Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches with only 3 illegitimate children.
* New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035.
* IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
* Floruba voters still having trouble with voting machines.
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