How a Frat Guys Brain Works

Everyone's brain works differently. Here's the journey a thought goes through in a frat guy's brain. Start at "Am I Talking To Someone With Boobs" and work counter-clockwise.

THE "AM I TALKING TO SOMEONE WITH BOOBS" STAGE:

This is the first stage any frat guy's thought goes through. If the answer is no, the thought continues on its full course through the brain. If the answer is yes, then he defaults to a series of scripted phrases that are used solely for the purpose of having sex with the boobed person he is talking to. Some common phrases are:

* "I can't believe you wrote a ten-page paper. That's crazy!"
* "I got a case of Zima at my parent's summer house."
* "You're from [insert name of city/state]. I grew up near there!"
* "I eat meat, but I am also a "Vag"-atarian."
* "What made you want to major in [insert name of major]."

THE OLD SCHOOL QUOTE GENERATOR:

The process continues as the thought arrives here, where it's checked to see whether or not it can be scrapped, and replaced with a quote from the film "Old School." When confronted with everyday statements such as, "Do we need some more milk," "I'm having dinner with my parents tomorrow," or "What's on TV," the frat guy can (and will) respond with some of these common quotes:

* "You're my boy, Blue!"
* "We're going streaking!"
* "Once it hits your lips! It's so good!"
* "Earmuffs!"

THE EMBELLISHMENT STAGE:

Since the frat guy is under constant pressure to one-up his "Bros," every thought must enter the Embellishment Stage. At this point, the thought is "enhanced" with the addition of sexual conquest numbers or amount of alcohol intake to make tthis thought more appealing to its audience. An example:

Original Thought:
During Christmas, I saw a woman I went to high school with.

After It Has Gone Through The Embellishment Lobe:
When I went back home, I saw this big-tittied chick that I boned right after our homecoming game when I ran over this 265 pound black dude to score the winning TD. I had, like, 30 brew-dawgs that night, too.

THE "WHO TO RIDICULE" STAGE:

If a frat guy is not currently "boning some slut," getting "totally demolished at keggers," or "partying my face off," then his self-esteem can get dangerously low. At this point, the frat guy feels the need to put down others, which, in his eyes, restores him to his rightful place as Alpha Dog. If a frat guy's ego is fragile when a thought enters this stage, he immediately aborts his current thought and scans the area for possible targets and begins a harsh barrage of insults. Some common examples:

* "Hey, look at the nerd. What a stupid nerd."
* "Fat girl alert. Three o'clock."
* "Yo, why are those Argentinians always hanging out here?"
* "Check out those fags, bro. Total fags."

THE "WORDS TO END SENTENCES WITH" STAGE:

No frat guy thought is complete without a one-word description of the person you're speaking with. It can be either be the opposite of that person, e.g. (when leaving after hanging out with a group of friends) "Later, fags." Or it can be an aggressive derrogatory remark meant to engage someone in a possible phsyical altercation (When leaving after hanging out with a group of enemies) "Later, fags.