This one is for my Daughter, she secretly loves this guy... To tell you the truth he is quite NOM!
A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "I will have to go home and come back later." The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt." So he opens his shirt revealing curly silver hair.
She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.
She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."
At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, Austrian soldiers succeeded in wiping out nearly 10,000 of their own men. As darkness descended, a few drunken Austrians began shouting that the enemy Turks were upon them. The cry created such a panic that the Austrians started firing indiscriminately at each other.
Origin: American, Canadian Slang
Definition: chilly; cold
Example: When we went out for a walk last night, it was quite nippley.
Definition: chilly; cold
Example: When we went out for a walk last night, it was quite nippley.
In the secret world of sexual deviance, one can not simply say what they wish when describing something they’ve done/want to do. They can’t because anybody within ear-shot would likely scream, and claw their eyes out from imagery they didn’t want. Instead, they came up with sometimes-clever euphemisms to communicate their intentions. Here are a few choice words and phrases that seem innocuous enough, until I shatter your blissful ignorance.
Turkey slap
Fowl play? An attempt to keep Uncle Filbert from stealing your drumstick?
Actually…
To slap someone in the face with your man-business The good news is, it’s not a phrase you’d likely say in conversation, so you’re relatively safe. However, if you hear it used in conversation, you’ll now know exactly what they’re referring to. Chuckle away.
Hogging
Keeping all the Cheetos? An unwillingness to share?
Actually…
It’s another word for ‘Chubby chasing’. This actually is a word you’d use in general conversation, so be careful. Fortunately, you’d never describe yourself as a ‘hog,’ or say “I’m hogging the-” something. However, when you hear a small child complain that another is ‘hogging all the blocks,’ you can laugh inside, you horrific, twisted person, you.
To read the rest of the article, click the link below
10 Sexual Euphemisms you didn’t know you were saying
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10 Sexual Euphemisms you didn’t know you were saying
Posted using ShareThis
Greg Rutter's Definitive List of The 99 Things You Should Have Already Experienced On The Internet Unless You're a Loser or Old or Something
(In No Particular Order)
01) Grape Stomp
02) Charlie Bit Me
03) Chocolate Rain
04) Dancing Baby
05) Post Secret
06) Charlie The Unicorn
07) Mentos and Diet Coke
08) Numa Numa
09) Peanut Butter Jelly Time
10) George Lucas In Love
11) You're The Man Now Dog
12) Yatta
13) Star Wars Kid
14) Bubb Rubb
15) The Flying Spaghetti Monster
16) Dramatic Chipmunk
17) Homestar Runner
18) GI Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches
19) Fail Blog
20) Skateboarding Dog
21) All Your Base Are Belong To Us
22) Winnebago Man
23) We Like The Moon
24) I Can Has Cheezburger
25) Barney Vs. Tupac
26) Shining
27) Cute Overload
28) Rick Roll
29) Lazy Sunday
30) David After The Dentist
31) Powerthirst
32) Christian The Lion
33) Bert and Ernie Rap
34) Lady Punch
35) Leprechaun in Alabama
36) Where The Hell Is Matt
37) Boom Goes The Dynamite
38) Breakdancing Baby
39) Drunk Jeff Goldblum
40) Scarlet Takes A Tumble
41) Sepultura - Refuse resist (cover) By Gauchos
42) Gay Mount Everest
43) Afro Ninja
44) Cop Shoots Himself In Leg In Classroom
45) Tron Guy
46) "Leave Britney Alone"
47) Laughing Baby
48) I'm the Juggernaut Bitch
49) The Chairperson Falls
50) Take On Me The Literal Version
51) Bill O'Reilly Flips Out
52) Don't Tase Me Bro
53) The Landlord
54) Breakdancing Baby Kick
55) The Pet Penguin
56) Ms. South Carolina Answers A Question
57) I'm F*#king Matt Damon
58) Will It Blend
59) Spaghetti Cat
60) Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
61) Little Superstar
62) Chad Vader
63) Pretty Much Everywhere It's Going To Be Hot
64) I Like Turtles
65) Who Needs A Movie
66) Jake E. Lee Shreds
67) Hawaii Chair
68) Aussie Party
69) Hitler Plans Burning Man
70) Flirting with Magic
71) Look At The Horse
72) Asian Backstreet Boys
73) Leroy Jenkins
74) Pinky The Cat
75) Monkey Sniffs Finger
76) Sneezing Panda
77) Prison Inmates remake "Thriller"
78) Techno Viking
79) Ask A Ninja
80) Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding
81) Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy's Song)
82) Kitten Surprise (how to break up a cat fight)
83) Katana Sword Infomercial Goes Wrong
84) Matrix Ping Pong
85) La Pequeña Prohibida
86) Angry German Kid (translated)
87) Evolution of Dance
88) Ok Go – "Here It Goes Again"
89) Battle at Kruger (lions vs. buffalos vs. crocodiles)
90) Daft Hands
91) Human Beatbox
92) Most T-Shirts Worn At Once
93) Zero G Dog
94) Cuppy Cakes Song
95) George Washington
96) Scary Maze Prank
97) Gay Referee
98) Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline
99) Reporter Gets A Fly In The Mouth
02) Charlie Bit Me
03) Chocolate Rain
04) Dancing Baby
05) Post Secret
06) Charlie The Unicorn
07) Mentos and Diet Coke
08) Numa Numa
09) Peanut Butter Jelly Time
10) George Lucas In Love
11) You're The Man Now Dog
12) Yatta
13) Star Wars Kid
14) Bubb Rubb
15) The Flying Spaghetti Monster
16) Dramatic Chipmunk
17) Homestar Runner
18) GI Joe Pork Chop Sandwiches
19) Fail Blog
20) Skateboarding Dog
21) All Your Base Are Belong To Us
22) Winnebago Man
23) We Like The Moon
24) I Can Has Cheezburger
25) Barney Vs. Tupac
26) Shining
27) Cute Overload
28) Rick Roll
29) Lazy Sunday
30) David After The Dentist
31) Powerthirst
32) Christian The Lion
33) Bert and Ernie Rap
34) Lady Punch
35) Leprechaun in Alabama
36) Where The Hell Is Matt
37) Boom Goes The Dynamite
38) Breakdancing Baby
39) Drunk Jeff Goldblum
40) Scarlet Takes A Tumble
41) Sepultura - Refuse resist (cover) By Gauchos
42) Gay Mount Everest
43) Afro Ninja
44) Cop Shoots Himself In Leg In Classroom
45) Tron Guy
46) "Leave Britney Alone"
47) Laughing Baby
48) I'm the Juggernaut Bitch
49) The Chairperson Falls
50) Take On Me The Literal Version
51) Bill O'Reilly Flips Out
52) Don't Tase Me Bro
53) The Landlord
54) Breakdancing Baby Kick
55) The Pet Penguin
56) Ms. South Carolina Answers A Question
57) I'm F*#king Matt Damon
58) Will It Blend
59) Spaghetti Cat
60) Tom Cruise Kills Oprah
61) Little Superstar
62) Chad Vader
63) Pretty Much Everywhere It's Going To Be Hot
64) I Like Turtles
65) Who Needs A Movie
66) Jake E. Lee Shreds
67) Hawaii Chair
68) Aussie Party
69) Hitler Plans Burning Man
70) Flirting with Magic
71) Look At The Horse
72) Asian Backstreet Boys
73) Leroy Jenkins
74) Pinky The Cat
75) Monkey Sniffs Finger
76) Sneezing Panda
77) Prison Inmates remake "Thriller"
78) Techno Viking
79) Ask A Ninja
80) Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding
81) Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy's Song)
82) Kitten Surprise (how to break up a cat fight)
83) Katana Sword Infomercial Goes Wrong
84) Matrix Ping Pong
85) La Pequeña Prohibida
86) Angry German Kid (translated)
87) Evolution of Dance
88) Ok Go – "Here It Goes Again"
89) Battle at Kruger (lions vs. buffalos vs. crocodiles)
90) Daft Hands
91) Human Beatbox
92) Most T-Shirts Worn At Once
93) Zero G Dog
94) Cuppy Cakes Song
95) George Washington
96) Scary Maze Prank
97) Gay Referee
98) Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline
99) Reporter Gets A Fly In The Mouth
VASSALBORO, Maine—A topless coffee shop that raised the ire of many residents of a small central Maine town is open for business.
The Grand View Topless Coffee Shop, located at the site of the former Grand View Motel, opened its doors Monday on busy Route 3 in Vassalboro. A sign outside says, "Over 18 only." Another says, "No cameras, no touching, cash only."
On Tuesday, two men sipped coffee at a booth while three topless waitresses and a bare-chested waiter stood nearby. Topless waitress Susie Wiley said men, women and couples have stopped by.
Dozens of residents objected to the shop when the Vassalboro planning board meeting took up the matter last month. But town officials said the coffee shop met the letter of the law.
Shapeless, Mass.
Oola,
La Goodness,
Me Income, Tex.
Deathly, Ill.
Hittor, Miss.
Praise, Ala.
Coco, Colo.
Proan, Conn.
Farmerina, Del.
Inert, Mass.
Hezmakinizetime, Pa.
Ca,Ca
Oola,
La Goodness,
Me Income, Tex.
Deathly, Ill.
Hittor, Miss.
Praise, Ala.
Coco, Colo.
Proan, Conn.
Farmerina, Del.
Inert, Mass.
Hezmakinizetime, Pa.
Ca,Ca
"Q: "What has recording alone taught you?"
Paul McCartney: "That to make your own decisions about what you do is easy, and playing with yourself is very difficult but satisfying."
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
"I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it is true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone!
"A wok is what you throw at a wabbit."
unknown
"RENTAL CAR: The only *TRUE* all-terrain vehicle".
known - but unidentified
Paul McCartney: "That to make your own decisions about what you do is easy, and playing with yourself is very difficult but satisfying."
"Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
Mark Twain
"I think that 'Clueless' was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it is true lightness."
Alicia Silverstone!
"A wok is what you throw at a wabbit."
unknown
"RENTAL CAR: The only *TRUE* all-terrain vehicle".
known - but unidentified
The construction of the railway bridge between Mombasa and Lake Victoria at the end of the 19th century was delayed by the fact that lions killed and ate 28 of the workers.
Origin: Native American Slang
Definition: turquoise jewelry
Example: When I was vacation in Nevada, I bought some blue bling as souvenir.
Definition: turquoise jewelry
Example: When I was vacation in Nevada, I bought some blue bling as souvenir.
German Physicist Professor Philipp Lenard suffered from onomatophobia, the fear of certain names. He couldn't bear to speak, see or hear the name of Sir Isaac Newton. At the universities where he lectured, Professor Lenard would turn his back on the students whenever Newton's name had to be mentioned. A member of the class would then write the offending name on the blackboard, but it had to be rebbed out again before lenard would continue with the lecture.
Origin: Uruguayan Slang
Definition: a place very far away where nobody goes, a place where a lot of lost things are kept
Example: I asked my wife where my keys where and she told me to try looking where the devil lost his poncho.
Definition: a place very far away where nobody goes, a place where a lot of lost things are kept
Example: I asked my wife where my keys where and she told me to try looking where the devil lost his poncho.
What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset.
Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890
Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone.
Tom Robbins
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that exalted, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
George Bernard Shaw "Getting Married" (1908)
Strange Quotes About Parents Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)
The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938)
Crowfoot, Blackfoot warrior and orator, 1890
Hold on to your divine blush, your innate rosy magic, or end up brown. Once you're brown, you'll find out you're blue. As blue as indigo. And you know what that means. Indigo. Indigoing. Indigone.
Tom Robbins
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that exalted, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
George Bernard Shaw "Getting Married" (1908)
Strange Quotes About Parents Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Rita Rudner
The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.
Sam Levenson (1911 - 1980)
The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.
King Edward VIII (1894 - 1972)
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
Clarence Darrow (1857 - 1938)
The BBC took offence at the Kinks' 1970 hit 'Lola', not because the lyrics were about a transsexual, but because they mentioned Coca-Cola. Ever vigilant about advertising, the Corporation forced Ray Davies to change the words to 'Cherry-Cola' when performing on Top of the Pops.
Origin: English Slang
Definition: irritated and disappointed
Example: When I got a flat tire, I was really brassed off.
Definition: irritated and disappointed
Example: When I got a flat tire, I was really brassed off.
Some darn fool tried stealing my identity. Guess he didn't get what he'd bargained for and sent me a condolence card in the mail today.
In it he wrote:
Dear Chum,
Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity.
First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn't stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day!
I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I've had to move twice already!
I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they've eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave!
I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family.
I replied:
Nope!
In it he wrote:
Dear Chum,
Please accept my humblest of apologies. I am sorry I stole your identity.
First I had a phone installed under your name. The dang thing wouldn't stop ringing! Bill collectors, lawyers, and your cousin Billy called collect from the State Pen every day!
I applied for credit cards but instead of receiving cards I received balance due notices threatening to take me to court if not paid in full within 7 days. I've had to move twice already!
I came home from a night out on the town last week and found your wife and kids sprawled out all over the house. My house is trashed, they've eaten all the food, and they refuse to leave!
I promise to turn my life around and never commit another crime for as long as I live if you will come pick up your family.
I replied:
Nope!
What can I say, he has come a long way since the X-Files NomNomNom
Such was the antagonism between Peter Sellers and Orson Welles that when they had to appear together at the gaming table in Casino Royale, they acted the scene on different days, each performing to a double
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Someone who makes things unclear or difficult to follow. {To obfuscate is to make obscure or unclear, especially if done in a circuitous or complicated manner.)
Example: Jim's a professional obfuscatologist; following his trail of excuses is unbelievably difficult.
Definition: Someone who makes things unclear or difficult to follow. {To obfuscate is to make obscure or unclear, especially if done in a circuitous or complicated manner.)
Example: Jim's a professional obfuscatologist; following his trail of excuses is unbelievably difficult.
Hitler was fascinated by hands. In his library was a well thumbed book containing drawings and paintings of the hands of famous people. He liked to show guests how closely his hands resembled those of Frederick The Great, one of his heroes. Hitler's square moustache was also believed to be a tribute - to his favourite comedian, Charlie Chaplin.
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Chaotic situation; fuss; sometimes an argument.
Example: John's being 20 minutes late caused a big kafuffle at home.
Definition: Chaotic situation; fuss; sometimes an argument.
Example: John's being 20 minutes late caused a big kafuffle at home.
The means an end to passionate platform scenes like the one between Celia Johnson and Trevor Howard in the 1945 film Brief Encounter.
No-kissing signs have appeared in the taxi rank at Warrington Bank Quay Station forcing lovers to use designated areas only.
The signs were erected after concerns that passionate embraces were causing delays for commuters with more passengers being attracted there.
Warrington Bank Quay is believed to be the first in the country to put up such signs.
Ruth Sargeant, 38, who uses the station to travel to Manchester, said: "It's ridiculous. I don't see the point of having a no-kissing area, surely people are entitled to say their goodbyes."
And Tom Hall, 25, another commuter, said: "It's daft. What are they going to do if they catch couples kissing, fine them?"
In the film Brief Encounter, which was filmed at Carnforth station in Lancashire, the doomed lovers played by Johnson and Howard, say their final goodbye at a railway station.
The no kissing signs are part of the £650,000 station refurbishment funded by Virgin Trains, Network Rail, the Northwest Regional Development Agency and the Department for Transport.
They are working in partnership with Warrington Borough Council's plans to improve the forecourt.
The idea of no-kissing signs was first suggested by Colin Daniels, chief executive of the Warrington Chamber of Commerce.
He said: "It was all a bit of fun. But now Virgin Trains have agreed to put them up as part of the refurbishment.
"They may seem frivolous but there is a serious message underneath."
Virgin say the station has become "increasingly busy" since the introduction of their Pendolino trains between London and Glasgow and Super Voyager trains between Birmingham and Scotland.
A Virgin spokesman said: "It's just a quirky thing, it's nothing more than that.. It's a light-hearted way of getting the message across.
"We are trying to tell people not to wait too long in the drop-off, but we don't mind people waiting there for a short time."
Asked how the no-kissing rule would be enforced, he added: "We will apply this sensibly."
Donald Duck goes on a dirty weekend but forgets his condoms, he calls down to reception, asks for a pack of three. Reception asks shall I put them on your bill? Donald replies "Don't be f******ng stupid I'll suffocate"
* It's okay...I'm still billing the client.
* "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
* This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
* I was working smarter, not harder.
* "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
* "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
* I'm in the management training program.
* Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
* "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
* Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
* The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decafe in the wrong pot.
* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
* I was cross-training for telecommuting.
* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
* Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
* The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
* I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.
* "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
* This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
* I was working smarter, not harder.
* "Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper"
* "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people !
* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
* I'm in the management training program.
* Actually doing a "Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan" (SLEEP) you learned at the last mandatory seminar your boss made you attend.
* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
* "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who practice Yoga?"
* Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
* The coffee machine is broke....Someone must've put decafe in the wrong pot.
* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
* I was cross-training for telecommuting.
* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
* Wasn't sleeping. Was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.
* The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
* I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.
Father Denham of Warleggan in Cornwall positively hated people. He surrounded the rectory with a high, barbed-wire fence and further alienated his flock by painting the church red and blue. When parishoners stopped attending his services, he replaced them with cardboard cutouts and continued to preach to those each week. He led a spartan life. There was no furniture in the rectory and, right up until his death in 1953, his diet consisted of just nettles and porridge.
Origin: Amateur Radio Slang
Definition: an amateur radio station used by ham radio operators
Example: What type of rigs are you using to communicate with?
Definition: an amateur radio station used by ham radio operators
Example: What type of rigs are you using to communicate with?
When a boat sank while crossing the Menai Strait in 1664, the only on of the 81 passengers to survive was a Hugh Williams. In 1785, another boat sank in the same spot. The sole survivor was named Hugh Williams. And in 1820, 24 passengers drowned in a third disaster. There was just one survivor, his name? Hugh Williams
Origin: New Zealand Slang
Definition: builder, carpenter
Example: I want to put an addition on the house so I called a chippy.
Definition: builder, carpenter
Example: I want to put an addition on the house so I called a chippy.
The Humor of Youth
Young people are a prime source of embarrassing statements and bone-headed bloopers. Now it seems that their teachers are sharing all this on the Net.
History teacher and author Richard Lederer strung together a loose history of the world based on unusual statements in student essays.
For example:
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Net humorist Tina Mancuso collects and shares strange statements in fifth and sixth grade science papers:
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
Young people are a prime source of embarrassing statements and bone-headed bloopers. Now it seems that their teachers are sharing all this on the Net.
History teacher and author Richard Lederer strung together a loose history of the world based on unusual statements in student essays.
For example:
Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenberg.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands.
Net humorist Tina Mancuso collects and shares strange statements in fifth and sixth grade science papers:
Question: What is one horsepower?
Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.
Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.
Clouds are high flying fogs.
"In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards."
Mark Twain
"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten."
B.F. Skinner
"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving."
Russell Green
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths pure theater."
Gail Godwin
"Education is a companion which no misfortune can depress, no crime can destroy, no enemy can alienate, no despotism can enslave. At home, a friend, abroad, an introduction, in solitude a solace and in society an ornament. It chastens vice, it guides virtue, it gives at once grace and government to genius. Without it, what is man? A splendid slave, a reasoning savage."
Joseph Addison
Mark Twain
"Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten."
B.F. Skinner
"The advantage of a classical education is that it enables you to despise the wealth which it prevents you from achieving."
Russell Green
"Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths pure theater."
Gail Godwin
"Education is a companion which no misfortune can depress, no crime can destroy, no enemy can alienate, no despotism can enslave. At home, a friend, abroad, an introduction, in solitude a solace and in society an ornament. It chastens vice, it guides virtue, it gives at once grace and government to genius. Without it, what is man? A splendid slave, a reasoning savage."
Joseph Addison
Ever since it was built in 1972, the 60-storey John Hancock Tower in Boston, Massachusetts, has suffered from windows suddenly popping out and shattering on to the street below. The John Hancock Mutual Life Insurance Agency tried to remedy the problem by replacing all 10,334 windows with 400lb sections of tempered glass, but still windows continued to smash for no apparent reason. So now the company hires 2 permanent guards who do nothing but patrol the street and look out for cracked panes before the come crashing down onto passers-by.
Origin: Computer/Internet Slang
Definition: to be thoroughly beaten in a game or sport (esp. online)
Example: You are not ready to play that online. You’ll get totally powned.
Definition: to be thoroughly beaten in a game or sport (esp. online)
Example: You are not ready to play that online. You’ll get totally powned.
On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive, so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home. As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman. 'What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?' asked the police officer.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
'I'm on my way to a lecture,' answered Roger.
'And who on earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?' enquired the constable sarcastically.
'My wife,' slurred Daniel grimly.
I thought since this guy has had a hammering in the press lately that I would make him my friday man babe, cos sometimes tis good to drool over why we liked him in the first place. Mmmmmm NOM, tis very hot!
Queen Juana of Spain was devastated by the death of her husband Philip in 1506. Unable to be parted from him, she refused to allow him to be buried and had his coffin accompany her wherever she went.
Origin: New Zealand Slang
Definition: cheerful, happy
Example: After Mary heard the good news she was a box of budgies. (Sometimes followed by the reply - "All Shit and Feathers")
Definition: cheerful, happy
Example: After Mary heard the good news she was a box of budgies. (Sometimes followed by the reply - "All Shit and Feathers")
COLUMN I
---------------------
0. integrated
1. heuristic
2. systematized
3. parallel
4. functional
5. responsive
6. optional
7. synchronized
8. compatible
9. futuristic
COLUMN II
-------------------
0.management
1. organizational
2. monitored
3. reciprocal
4. digital
5. logistical
6. transitional
7. incremental
8. third-generation
9. policy
COLUMN III
--------------------
0. options
1. flexibility
2. capability
3. mobility
4. programming
5. scenarios
6. time-phase
7. projection
8. hardware
9. contingency
The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, and then select the corresponding buzzword from each column.
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
For instance, number 257 produces "systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into virtually any report with a sincere ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. No one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about, but the important thing is that
THEY ARE NOT ABOUT TO ADMIT IT!
"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
Brian O'Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Josef Goebbels, champion of the Nazi creed of selective breeding, himself had a club foot. His left leg was over three inches longer than the right.
Origin: American Slang
Definition: easy
Example: This work is gravy.
Definition: easy
Example: This work is gravy.
The BBC has put up a video diary from David Tennant talking about the news series/season of Doctor Who! NOM NOM NOM
Czech housewife Vera Czermak was so distraught to learn of her husband's infidelity that she threw herself out of the window of her third-storey Prague apartment.... just as Mr. Czermak happened to be walking along the street below. She landed on him, killing him instantly. But his body cushioned her fall, and she survived.
Origin: Computer/Internet Slang
Definition: Being duped into watching a Rick Astley YouTube video.
Example: I clicked on the link to see the latest post, but I was RickRolled instead.
Definition: Being duped into watching a Rick Astley YouTube video.
Example: I clicked on the link to see the latest post, but I was RickRolled instead.
RUNNIN WILD - SSSIXXX
Thanks to SSSIXXX for sharing this with me on IMEEM
To hear more of this artist see his IMEEM home page here
The prequel story traces the origins of the centuries-old blood feud between the aristocratic vampires and their onetime slaves, the Lycans.
In the Dark Ages, a young Lycan named Lucian emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor, the cruel vampire king who has enslaved them. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, Sonja, in his battle against the Vampire army and his struggle for Lycan freedom.
OR
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430692/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431453/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part2.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431401/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part3.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430804/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part4.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431733/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part5.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431717/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part6.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431754/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part7.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430377/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part8.rar
OR
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e3/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part1_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e7/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part2_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e4/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part3_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6f0/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part4_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6eh/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part5_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6ed/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part6_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6f1/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part7_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6dh/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part8_rar
In the Dark Ages, a young Lycan named Lucian emerges as a powerful leader who rallies the werewolves to rise up against Viktor, the cruel vampire king who has enslaved them. Lucian is joined by his secret lover, Sonja, in his battle against the Vampire army and his struggle for Lycan freedom.
prevail.undrwrld.3.part1.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part2.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part3.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part4.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part5.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part6.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part7.rar
prevail.undrwrld.3.part8.rar
OR
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430692/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part1.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431453/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part2.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431401/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part3.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430804/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part4.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431733/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part5.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431717/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part6.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189431754/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part7.rar
http://rapidshare.com/files/189430377/Underworld.Rise.Of.The.Lycans.TS.XViD-PreVail.part8.rar
OR
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e3/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part1_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e7/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part2_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6e4/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part3_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6f0/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part4_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6eh/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part5_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6ed/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part6_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6f1/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part7_rar
http://www.filefactory.com/file/a03b6dh/n/Underworld_Rise_Of_The_Lycans_TS_XViD-PreVail_part8_rar
RESIDENTS in a rural area of Darwin have renamed their street "Dildo Boulevard" after 30 sex toys were found lying in front of a house on Friday morning.
Robert Johns and Laurelle Bates discovered the mysterious toys as they left for work in the morning.
"It's a real mystery. We have no idea where they came from," Ms Bates told The Northern Territory News.
"I know they aren't new. They look used." Mr Johns said he counted the sex toys on Friday morning, and the number had decreased within 24 hours.
"Yeah, some of the bigger ones are gone," he said. Many of the devices are still lying outside the Osbeck Rd home - most crushed under the wheels of passing cars.
Within hours of the sex toys appearing, a resident replaced the street sign - changing it to "Dildo Boulevard".
"I just cracked up. It was very entertaining," Ms Cappa said. "I don't know where they came from. This is the strangest thing."
Robert Johns and Laurelle Bates discovered the mysterious toys as they left for work in the morning.
"It's a real mystery. We have no idea where they came from," Ms Bates told The Northern Territory News.
"I know they aren't new. They look used." Mr Johns said he counted the sex toys on Friday morning, and the number had decreased within 24 hours.
"Yeah, some of the bigger ones are gone," he said. Many of the devices are still lying outside the Osbeck Rd home - most crushed under the wheels of passing cars.
Within hours of the sex toys appearing, a resident replaced the street sign - changing it to "Dildo Boulevard".
"I just cracked up. It was very entertaining," Ms Cappa said. "I don't know where they came from. This is the strangest thing."
Clips of Barack Obama using the kind of language not normally associated with a US President are spreading like wildfire online.
The clips are from the audiobook version of Barack Obama's autobiography, Dreams from my Father, which is read by the president himself.
They include quotes attributed to a schoolfriend of Obama's who had a rich vocabulary which is reproduced in graphic detail in the book.
US actress April Winchell has posted audio clips of President Obama reading some of Ray's fruitier expressions on her website, www.aprilwinchell.com.
She writes: "You're about to hear the President of United States using language that would finish Cheney off once and for all."
The clips include: "This s***'s getting way too complicated for me", "Ignorant Motherf*****s", "That guy ain't s***. Sorry ass motherf*****", and "You ain't my bitch, n****".
Ok I have resisted for long enough - Though I must say, if I were in his position and someone walked through or distracted me from something important, I would have let loose a similar tirade! lol, so here are a couple of my favourite Christian Bale Meltdown Spoofs!!!
And last but not least - The Original Tirade
Daredevil presenter John Noakes was once knocked out on Blue Peter by a 5lb imitation marrow. The incident occurred during a demonstration of marrow-dangling. Noakes was taken to hospital for x-rays.
Origin: Australian Slang, English Slang
Definition: great, impressive,awesome, beautiful, good-looking
Example: That man over there is a real beaut.
Definition: great, impressive,awesome, beautiful, good-looking
Example: That man over there is a real beaut.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done, and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will complete all your assigned work. If you're really good, you'll get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done, and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
If you are good, you will complete all your assigned work. If you're really good, you'll get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
If At First You Don't Succeed
by Anonymous
Failure doesn't mean - "You are a failure,"
It means - You have not succeeded.
Failure doesn't mean - "You accomplished nothing,"
It means - You have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean - "You have been a fool,"
It means - You had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn't mean - "You don't have it,"
It means - You were willing to try.
Failure doesn't mean - "You are inferior,"
It means - You are not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean - "You've wasted your life,"
It means - You have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn't mean - "You should give up,"
It means - "You must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean - "You'll never make it,"
It means - It will take a little longer.
Failure doesn't mean - "God has abandoned you,"
It means - God has a better way for you.
by Anonymous
Failure doesn't mean - "You are a failure,"
It means - You have not succeeded.
Failure doesn't mean - "You accomplished nothing,"
It means - You have learned something.
Failure doesn't mean - "You have been a fool,"
It means - You had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn't mean - "You don't have it,"
It means - You were willing to try.
Failure doesn't mean - "You are inferior,"
It means - You are not perfect.
Failure doesn't mean - "You've wasted your life,"
It means - You have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn't mean - "You should give up,"
It means - "You must try harder.
Failure doesn't mean - "You'll never make it,"
It means - It will take a little longer.
Failure doesn't mean - "God has abandoned you,"
It means - God has a better way for you.
Many of the men who acted as guards along the Great Wall of China in the Middle Ages spent their whole lives there. They were born there, raised there, they married there, died there and were even buried within the wall.
Origin: American Slang
Definition: freckles
Example: When you spend too much time outside you get quite a few sun hickeys.
Definition: freckles
Example: When you spend too much time outside you get quite a few sun hickeys.
Click image to enlarge and read - Well worth it lol
Thank God It's Friday
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).
He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
This Mentalist is hot stuff - I wouldn't mind him investigating me!!!NOM NOM NOM
There’s a temple in Sri Lanka dedicated to a tooth of the Buddha. The name of the temple is “Temple of the Tooth.”
Origin: Canadian Slang
Definition: a non-aggressive style of playing professional ice hockey
Example: The coach needs to toughen his players or the pansification of his team will result in many injuries from more aggressive teams.
Definition: a non-aggressive style of playing professional ice hockey
Example: The coach needs to toughen his players or the pansification of his team will result in many injuries from more aggressive teams.
he lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.
Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Drugs have nothing to do with the creation of music. In fact, drugs are dumb and self-indulgent. Kind of like sucking your thumb.
Courtney Love
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Steve Landesberg
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Linda Furney
It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine
Courtney Love
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Steve Landesberg
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly . . . very slowly.
Gypsy Rose Lee
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
Linda Furney
It is useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.
Shirley MacLaine
In Waterloo, Nebraska, barbers are prohibited from eating onions between the hours of 7am and 7pm. Similarly in Indiana, citizenz are not allowed to attend a cinema or a theatre or to tide in a public streetcar within at least four hours of eating garlic
Origin: Unknown
Definition: An insult so spectacularly appropriate and true that the subject is rendered speechless, usually resulting in the mouth opening and closing repeatedly, like a fish gasping for air.
Example: When she said to James, How could you possibly catch the foul ball when you have no arms, Stumpy? James was so vilifryed, he almost fainted.
Definition: An insult so spectacularly appropriate and true that the subject is rendered speechless, usually resulting in the mouth opening and closing repeatedly, like a fish gasping for air.
Example: When she said to James, How could you possibly catch the foul ball when you have no arms, Stumpy? James was so vilifryed, he almost fainted.
To prisoners flee the courthouse while running from their chasers, they forget they're hancduffed together when they run over a fence pole. It's all captured with CCTV cameras.
Watch video
Watch video
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?' Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:
I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up and finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. He then goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense.
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up and finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. He then goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.....
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it .... he was a DWARF!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started.....
If you've ever wondered whether it's really that much better to fly in Economy or Business class, the following picture should answer your questions...
Tom had been in Police work for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00...'
'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks Thank you.'
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinking'.'
'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em'.
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting' too.'
'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right! .
I'll be there. Thanks again.'
'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'
'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea.
'I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'
'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.'
Claudette Colbert insisted that sets be built around her so that she could make all her entrances with the right side of her face sheilded from the camera. Furthermore, she stipulated that any shots of her right profile must be long shots.
Definition: To go L16 is to become haughty and precious in the glow of your own ego--a dandy or popinjay.
Example: Beaufort answered a few Jeopardy questions right and quickly got L16 on the other contestants.
$10
Friday 6th February
Khuja
Level 3
536 Queen Street
Auckland
All proceeds go to Gaza through Oxfam.
1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption, and that you don't "HAVE" them, --
you "PITCH" them.
you "PITCH" them.
2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."
3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."
5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.
6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is.
They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)
8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.
9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.
10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.
12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.
13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!
14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.
15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."
16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.
17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. ," you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.
20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way.
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
Billy Wilder
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
Winston Churchill
In 1978 Jordanian TV refused to show the Israeli Eurovision entry on screen. Instead, while Izhar Cohen san "A-Bi-Ni-Bi", Jordanian viewers saw nothing more than a bunch of flowers. And when it seemed certain that Israel were going to win, Jordanian TV switched to an American detective series, Bronk.
Definition: Someone who is so stupid, annoying, or just plain retarded she might as well be whacked by a hitman to put her out of her misery.
Example: Did you see that moron wet her pants? She musta studied extra hard to be such a wackjob.
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