Getting Smart to Cops

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really indignant and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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Seven Movie Posters That Almost Were

American Psycho

(Leonardo DiCaprio as Patrick Bateman)

Shortly after its publication in 1991, Bret Easton Ellis's notoriously violent 1991 novel was deemed "unfilmable." Of course in movie parlance "unfilmable" is shorthand for "unfilmable until sufficient hype is built up," and 10 years of rumors and unproduced scripts followed -- including talk of Johnny Depp in the lead role. But it was Leonardo DiCaprio who came closest to filling Patrick Bateman's blood-splattered tennis shoes when Lions Gate Films officially announced DiCaprio was cast as the film's lead. Fortunately, DiCaprio soon realized the hordes of 13-year-old girls who fell in love with him in Titanic may not be best served by seeing their idol chase a terrified hooker with a chainsaw, and the role went to Christan Bale.



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And Then the Fight Started


My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

---------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a weighing scale.

And then the fight started...

---------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

So, I took her to a gas station..

And then the fight started...

---------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and my wife kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked my wife, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' She sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend.
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said to my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

---------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Naaah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

---------------------

A woman is standing & looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started..... .

---------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

---------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

---------------------

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed..
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first: the truck, the car, e-mail, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
'When you finish cutting the grass,' I said, 'you might as well sweep the driveway.'

And then the fight started...

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Friday Funny


From a kid's diary:

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.

I was may be 2½ years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.

...........

Then she says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?'

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Did You Know....? - Manic Monarchs


Ludwig II of Bavaria decided to reverse night and day. He had a moon painted on his bedroom ceiling and started going on long coach drives in the middle of the night. Another of his moon-light escapades involved riding on horseback round and round the courtyard for up to seven hours at a time, pausing only to change horses. The object of the exercise was to simulate the distance of heroic journeys - like the one from Munich to Innsbruck - and the riding time was calculated accordingly.

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Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Mate


Origin: Australian Slang

Definition: friend

Example: Look, here comes our mate.

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The Tyrant Who Tweets


His new nemesis, Barack Obama, is on Twitter. So are many of the movie stars that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il is known to admire. So perhaps it's no surprise that the regime led by the self-described film buff and Internet fan has also joined the fast-moving social networking site.

North Korea has for decades been the most isolated country on the planet, with almost no links to the outside world. The Internet can be accessed only by the most powerful and well-connected in Pyongyang, while ordinary North Koreans aren't allowed to possess mobile phones.

Which is why the discovery Monday that the North Korean government has a Twitter page caused a stir in the world known as the Twitterverse.

“First they got nukes. Next level: Twitter account” tweeted MikaĆ«l Hardy, a French engineer living in the Chinese city of Shenzhen and one of the first to discover that Mr. Kim's regime had gone online using the account kcna_dprk.

Word spread fast. Within hours, more than 300 people were “following” the North Korean Twitterer, including this reporter. To my surprise, the kcna_dprk immediately returned the compliment and deigned to follow my postings as well.

The Pyongyang Twitterer's bio reads “News from Korean Central News Agency of DPRK,” referring to the news service that has long been the official voice of the regime (the country's official name is the Democratic People's Republic of Korea). All of its 467 updates since going online in April have been English versions of the agency's news reports.

Mysteriously, another Twitter page (koreadpr) claims to be the Twitter page of Mr. Kim himself, who has bragged in the past of his Internet knowledge and once asked U.S. secretary of state Madeleine Albright for her e-mail address. However, it sits empty other than an image of North Korea's official state emblem and a link to the government's website.

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Because Somebody Had To Do It...

If you want to know the background story to this, Click Here

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Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???

Ever wonder why? It's because she smells like a new car.

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Fun Facts


Here are some unusual facts that you can use to prove superiority to your friends.

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 yrs.

People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.

When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop ...even your heart. This is why people have always said "God bless you" after a sneeze.

Only 7% of the population are lefties.

40 people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.

The average person over fifty will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.

The toothbrush was invented in 1498.

The average housefly lives for one month.

40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year. Don't ask how.

A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.

The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.

Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than the rest of the day.

The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning it's head are the rabbit and the parrot.

Among the music catalog's that Michael Jackson owns the rights to, is the South Carolina State anthem.

In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.

Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane just in case there is a crash.

The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.

Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are reused in vein transplant surgery.

Humphrey Bogart and Princess Diana were seventh cousins.

If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.

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They Said What?


"I favor access to discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation."
Ted Kennedy, US Senator


"That's inches away from being millimeter perfect."
Ted Lowe


"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
Ted Turner, Media Mogul


"If I sold all my liabilities, I wouldn't own anything. My Wife's a liability, my kids are liabilities, and I haven't sold them."
Ted Turner, Media Mogul, on selling off his money losing properties


"I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid."
Terry Bradshaw, Former football player/announcer


"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
Terry Venables


Lawyer: "Sir, what is your IQ?"
Defendant: "Well, I can see pretty well, I think."
Testimony from court records


"It's like an Alcatraz around my neck"
Thomas Menino, Boston Mayor, on the shortage of city parking spaces

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Did You Know....? - Remarkable Reptiles and Amazing Amphibians


The male garter snake takes no chances with his partners the fidelity. Immediately after mating, he seals up the females sexual opening with a plug made from kidney secretions. This acts as a chastity belt and keeps her on the reptilian straight and narrow.

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Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Lope


Origin: American Slang

Definition: low profile

Example: She tried to lope as the cop walked past.

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Did You Know....? - For Better or Worse


Leopold II, King of the Belgians, was to ill to attend his own wedding. So for the 1853 ceremony to Marie Henrietta, the Austrian Emperor's brother, the Archduke Charles, stood in for him.

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Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - LulZ


Origin: Computer/Internet Slang

Definition: plural of LOL

Example: Enough with the LulZ you guys

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Did You Know....? - Unhappy Endings


On his death bed, Bohemian General Jan Zizka gave instructions that his skin be used to cover a drum so that it could continue to beat out defiance to his enemies. The drum was sounded at the outbreak of the Thirty Years War in 1618, nearly 200 years after Zizka's death.

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Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - M$


Origin: Geek Speak

Definition: An alternative way of writing MS, which is short for Microsoft. Used by web message board posters who think that Microsoft might be money-driven.

Example: I can't believe how much M$ is charging for that software upgrade!

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Self Control


A woman in a grocery store happens upon a grandfather and his poorly behaved 3 year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that Gramps has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda in their respective aisles. Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy, boy."

Another outburst, and she hears Gramps calmly say, "It's okay, Albert, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps again in a controlled voice is says, "Albert, Albert, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes; stay cool, Albert."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where Gramps is loading his groceries and the boy into the car.

"You know, sir, it's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. Albert is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks, lady," said Gramps, "I'm Albert -- the little bastard's name is Steve."

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