Happy Hour
Friday Man Babe - Hugh Jackman
Born in Sydney of English parentage, and the youngest of 5 children, Jackman has a Communications degree with a journalism major from the University of Technology Sydney. After graduating, he pursued drama at the Western Australian Academy of Performing Arts, immediately after which he was offered a starring role in the ABC TV prison drama “Correlli” (1995), opposite his future wife Deborra-Lee Furness. Several TV guest roles followed, as an actor and variety compere. An accomplished singer, Jackman has starred as Gaston in the Australian production of Beauty and the Beast. He appeared as Joe Gillis in the Australian production of Sunset Boulevard. In 1998, he was cast as Curly in the Royal National Theatre’s production of Trevor Nunn’s Oklahoma. Jackman has made two feature films, the second of which, Erskineville Kings (1999), garnered him an Australian Film Institute nomination for Best Actor in 1999. Recently, he won the part of Logan/Wolverine in the Bryan Singer- directed comic book movie X-Men (2000). In his spare time, Hugh plays piano, golf and guitar and likes to windsurf.
Prison Mail
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
Dear Husband, "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
Dear Wife, "Whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
Dear Husband, "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
Dear wife, "NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
Dear Husband, "I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
Dear Wife, "Whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
Dear Husband, "You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
Dear wife, "NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
Worlds Thinnest Books
Everything Men Know about Women
Everything Women Know about Men
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
To All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen Degeneres
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes - by the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
Everything Women Know about Men
George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
To All the Men I've Loved Before - by Ellen Degeneres
Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
Spotted Owl Recipes - by the EPA
The Amish Phone Directory
The Rules of Chocolate
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
- Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
- The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
- Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.
- If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
- If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?
Where's Barney
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."
Friday Funny
Its My Business
A man is in a coffee shop with his son. He lays his change on the table and the little boy starts to play with it. The son puts a quarter in his mouth, which becomes lodged in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business.
A man is in a coffee shop with his son. He lays his change on the table and the little boy starts to play with it. The son puts a quarter in his mouth, which becomes lodged in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.
The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he's about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"
"No" the man replies, "I work for the IRS, getting people to cough it up is my business.
Did You Know....? - Did You Know?
The stadium at Apia where the Western Samoan rugby team played home matches in 1924 had a large tree right in the middle of the pitch
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Zoris
Origin: English Slang
Definition: sandals
Example: Put your zoris on. The sand is hot today.
Definition: sandals
Example: Put your zoris on. The sand is hot today.
The Blondes Fight Back
What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.
What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.
Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?
So brunettes can remember them.
What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.
What is the difference between a brunette and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"
New Drugs on the Market
St. Mom's Wort - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Empty Nestrogen - Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait til they moved out.
Peptobimbo - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
Dumerol - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
Flipitor - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
Antiboyotics - When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
Free What?
I ran into an old buddy the other day. He was a rising entrepreneur, but now he looked down and out. What gives? He begins wailing his tale.
"I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!"
"Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?"
"Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-"
"Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there."
"I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!"
"Oh, I see..." I thought a minute. "Which half?"
"Don't make no difference!" he wailed.
"I had a restaurant out there on the interstate, you know. Spent a fortune on a new high-rise sign to attract traffic. It did, too. It read 'free cocktail with dinner!' The 'cocktail' was flashing red neon. Was it impressive!"
"Sounds like a good idea. So what went wrong?"
"Oh, the county took notice, inspection crews come out, I'm harassed all the time by the Planning department, the churches in the neighborhood have filed compaints-"
"Hey, I thought you ran a stand-up operation out there."
"I did. Half my flashing red neon burned out!"
"Oh, I see..." I thought a minute. "Which half?"
"Don't make no difference!" he wailed.
How To Handle Stress
Picture yourself near a stream.
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now......feeling better?
Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air.
Nothing can bother you here.
No one knows this secret place.
You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."
The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is clear.
You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water.
There now......feeling better?
Burma Shave Road Signs
DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave
TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave
SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave
DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave
DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave
BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave
CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave
SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave
THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave
AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave
NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave
A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave
AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave
BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave
THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave
CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave
PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave
New Word Definitions
Smile - A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.
Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Dictionary - The only place where divorce comes before marriage.
College - A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Office - A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn - The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Committee - Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Classic - A book which people praise, but do not read.
Marriage - It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and woman gains her master degree.
Experience - The name men give to their mistakes.
Tears - The hydraulic force by which masculine power is defeated by feminine power.
Atom Bomb - An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher - A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Did You Know....? - I Have a Dream
Poet Samuel Taylor Coleridge dreamed the first 54 lines of Kubla Khan and started writing feverishly the moment he woke up. Unfortunately he was interrupted by a "person on business from Porlock". by the time his visitor had left, an hour later, Coleridge had forgotten the rest of the poem, and it remained unfinished.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Baumes Rush
Origin: American Slang
Definition: Senator Caleb H. Baumes sponsored a New York law (the Baumes Law) which called for automatic life imprisonment of any criminal convicted more than three times. Some criminals would move to a state that didn't have this law in order to avoid its penalty should they be caught again, and this was known as a "Baumes rush," because of the similarity to "bum's rush."
Example: I had to give my brother the Baumes Rush, otherwise he will go away for the rest of his life
Definition: Senator Caleb H. Baumes sponsored a New York law (the Baumes Law) which called for automatic life imprisonment of any criminal convicted more than three times. Some criminals would move to a state that didn't have this law in order to avoid its penalty should they be caught again, and this was known as a "Baumes rush," because of the similarity to "bum's rush."
Example: I had to give my brother the Baumes Rush, otherwise he will go away for the rest of his life
Squeezing Lemons
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Home Cooked Meal
A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams. Now what should he do?
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
His mother had an idea: "Why don't you send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your apartment for a home- cooked meal?"
He thought this was a great strategy, and arranged a date for a week later. His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.
"The evening was a disaster," he moaned.
"Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.
"Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook...."
The Tate Family
You may have heard of the Tate Family. Members of this family attend every group.
There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.
Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether they need it or not.
Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.
Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening.
And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new.
There is Dic Tate who wants to run everything.
Ro Tate tries to change things --- whether they need it or not.
Agi Tate stirs up trouble whenever possible.
She gets a helping hand from her brother, Irri Tate.
Devas Tate loves to interrupt whatever is happening.
And Poten Tate wants to be the big shot.
When new ideas are suggested, Hesi Tate and Vegi Tate are quick to say why they will not possibly work.
Imi Tate would rather copy others than try something new.
Don't Forget to Cancel Your Credit Cards Before You Die
A woman had died in January, but her bank had billed her for their annual service charges for February and March on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 but was now around $60.00. A family member placed a call to the bank
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Family Member: "I am calling to tell you that she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "Maybe, you should turn it over to collections."
Bank: "Since it is two months past due, it already has been."
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she's dead?"
Bank: "Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!"
Family Member: "Do you think God will be mad at her?"
Bank: "Excuse me?"
Family Member: "Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?"
Bank: "Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor."
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: "I'm calling to tell you, she died in January."
Bank: "The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply."
Family Member: "You mean you want to collect from her estate?"
Bank: (Stammer) "Are you her lawyer?"
Family Member: "No, I'm her great nephew." (Lawyer info given)
Bank: "Could you fax us a certificate of death?"
Family Member: "Sure." (fax number is given)
After they get the fax:
Bank: "Our system just isn't set-up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help."
Family Member: "Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care."
Bank: "Well, the late fees and charges do still apply."
Family Member: "Would you like her new billing address?"
Bank: "That might help."
Family Member: "Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69."
Bank: "Sir, that's a cemetery!"
Family Member: "What do you do with dead people on your planet?"
Did You Know....? - What a Coincidence
A remarkable series of coincidences link the assassinations of Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy. Lincoln was elected in 1860, Kennedy in 1960, both were assassinated on Fridays in front of their wives; their successors as President were both named Johnson; Andrew Johnson was born in 1808 and Lyndon Johnson in 1908; both assassins, John Wilkes Booth (born 1839) and Lee Harvey Oswald (born 1939), were killed before standing trial; Lincolns secretary, whose name was Kennedy, had advised him against going to the theater, and Kennedy's secretary, whose name was Lincoln, had warned him not to go to Dallas; Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran to a warehouse, Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran to a theatre; The surnames of both Presidents have seven letters; and the names of both assassins have 15 letters
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Geggy
Origin: Scottish Slang
Definition: mouth
Example: When he opens his geggy, he just havers.
Definition: mouth
Example: When he opens his geggy, he just havers.
Puns 2
Did You Hear About The?
Brake company on the skids?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?
Bra manufacturers that went bust?
Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
Baker who was short of dough?
Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
The train company that went off the rails?
The ship building company that sunk?
The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?
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