Why Men Hate to Hear These 9 Phrases From Women

Men love being with women. So we talk and we listen, and some of us take that information and make an effort to be better people on your behalf. However, sometimes women ask men questions or make statements that scare the hell out of us or just get us in to trouble.

These are nine phrases that would just be best left unsaid for both of our sakes.

9 There’s something I’ve never told you but you need to hear

It’s a phrase that can send men into epileptic seizures. When we hear this we immediately tense up and brace for the worst possible thing you could tell us. Was she really a first-chair viola player in high school? Did she get drunk and and stay with that fraternity over spring break? Does she like other women? Did she used to be a man!?! A lot of men go stone cold when they hear this from a woman’s mouth. I’m not saying keep any secrets, we just need a way to phrase it differently.

8 My ex used to do that

Two reasons for this one: First, nobody likes to be regaled by stories of another person’s past significant others. No matter how funny or exciting that story is, it can either inflate our ego to insufferable levels while other times lead to feelings of inadequacy. Second, it makes us feel like we are somehow competing with a ghost of your past. We obviously hope we aren’t too much like the ex because there was a reason you broke up with him. We also know we must have some of the same traits and that’s what you’re attracted to. It just makes things confusing saying this too often. The longer we can keep the ex’s out of this relationship the smoother it will go.

7 I hate going out with your friends

Yes, going out with a group of men on a Friday night can be ugly, drunk and sports-centric, but it’s healthy for a relationship to be able to go out and be around familiar faces with our girlfriend. We obviously aren’t going to go to the strip club when we are with you (oh man, unless you want to…) and we more often than not try and have our friends behave when you’re around. For example, Heather from where you work is an uppity bitch and we hate to go out with you when she is around and we know our friend Todd from college is a genuine douchebag, so maybe we should just come to a middle ground and agree to not invite those people when we go out with friends. See? Working together, problem solving — sometimes ostracizing other people is what relationships are all about.

6 Not sports again…

Yes, sports again. A lot of guys like to watch sports and it’s important that we do not only for entertainment purposes but also for social purposes. Don’t knock it because watching ESPN in the morning is helping you a bit as well. Think about it: Whenever we go out with one of your friends from college and her boyfriend we usually end up breaking the ice talking about… And when we go to your company’s annual Christmas party, we usually end up talking about… Bonding with your father last Thanksgiving watching… A good portion of men love sports and love talking sports, so sometimes when you scold us for watching football, know that Klaus and I (your college roommate’s fiancé) probably aren’t talking about the Scandinavian fishing town he grew up in, we’re bonding over Magnus Samuelsson pulling a bus with his teeth.

5 Do you think she is hotter than me?

Loaded question. More loaded than Lindsay Lohan at the Jameson Distillery on St. Patirck’s Day. It’s a question that not only doesn’t have a correct answer, it is a question whose answer could dictate the rest of the day and possibly the rest of your relationship. We know the wrong answer means we could spend the next five nights on the couch. The answer is always “No,” but apparently to women, there are different levels of “No.” You have to deliver it quick, sincere and without any type of hesitation. “I love you and you are an angel of all occasions.” Nope, too late. Have fun on the couch.

4 Do these pants make me look fat?

I believe that women trying on clothes at the mall (depending on the day) are only three off-hand weight comments away from mowing down a food court. “No, those pants make your butt look great, baby. Look at those legs! Turn around again. Damn, I really like those, where did you get them? I bet the only place those look better is laying beside my bed, ha ha! Did you have fun shopping for those with Sara? I really like Sara–how is veterinary school going for her?” Men, you need to compliment, compliment, move to a different subject, come back for one last compliment and then move quickly move the situation in an entirely different direction. Godspeed, good sir.

3 We’re having dinner with my parents

Now some men have very good relationships with their significant other’s family and don’t mind spending time with them. Some don’t. Some would rather get water-boarded than spend a few hours talking to two people that feel their daughter is making a huge mistake with you or watching you bicker with your mother over her domineering tendencies. It’s not always because we actually hate you parents, it sometimes just comes down to when all of you are drinking, conversation can get very loose and then one of us or one of them end up saying something that makes the dinner and relationship very, very awkward. “Look at how fast my wife swallow those Martinis. You know what else she swallows…” can make dinner with the parents seem like a month in Guantanamo.

2 We need to talk

A percentage of the time this is because you’ve done something wrong. They rest of the time it’s because you are someone wrong. Sounds harsh, but when a woman utters this phrase you know you are probably about to get some bad news.

1 I’m late