Bad Drivers






If you answered mostly "A"


Congratulations, douchebag! You are the Asshole Driver, living proof that steroid use is definitely not advised if you plan to operate a motor vehicle anytime, ever. While other people may use their cars to get to work, go to the mall, act like a sane human being, etc., that's just simply not your philosophy. Once those keys are in the ignition, even if you're driving five minutes into town to pick up that Motley Crue CD that you loaned to your cousin, it's time to rock like The Road Warrior.


Sometimes you dress like this, too...


To you, speed limit signs aren't there for the safety of yourself and others. They're personal challenges, asking you whether or not you plan to bow down to The Man. But, like the great Dee Snider said, "We're not gonna take it anymore." No one's gonna tell you that 65 MPH is fast enough. You're a rebel, and the best way to express your revolutionary spirit is by making a right turn at a red light when the sign clearly said "No Turn on Red." You're damn right a babe saw that.


And let's not forget, every single other driver on the road is your enemy as soon as you pull out of your driveway. It's a war out there, and your arsenal consists of Bruce Willis quotes (Yippi-Ki-Yay indeed, motherfucker) and obnoxiously loud music. Everyone better know when you roll into town.



If you answered mostly "B"


Good job passing your road test! Now it's time for you, The Inexperienced Driver, to actually learn how to operate that thing. Your travelling style can best be compared to the mix of confusion and delight expressed by a six-year old trying to sound out all the interesting words he sees around him.


"What do I do here again? Yield?"


You've got all the basic functions down. Can you start the car? Check. Signal a turn? Check. Parallel park? Theoretically. However, you lack the confidence that is necessary to let you have any clue about what is going on around you. You are the Eli Manning of the road.



"Look, Eli, the 'C' spells the word "cat"



Unfortunately for those who share the road with you, your perpetual state of indecision causes much confusion. Why are you shifting lanes randomly? Why do you slam on the brakes every time you see a cop car? Why do you stop at a crosswalk even when THERE IS NO ONE AT THE CROSSWALK? It's a mystery.




If you answered mostly "C"


Dude, you are an Old Person. You should've handed in the keys during the Nixon administration, but better late than never, right? Fact of the matter is, at best, you've begun to approach life at a more leisurely pace. That means you take time to smell the roses, can appreciate a good sunset, and don't understand that sometimes it's ok to drive faster than 20 MPH.

Really, you'll go faster with this thing.


However, more often than not, you've simply forgotten everything there ever was to know about driving. You don't exactly know why there are different lanes on a highway. You've forgotten the fact that it's not ok to back into other cars. And do you know what the worst part is?


Everyone just feels bad for you. We're willing to yell at idiots between the ages of 16 and 65. But after that, we're plagued by guilt when we call you out for actually parking on a parkway.


You know that, don't you? You're just doing whatever the hell you want, cuz, screw it, you can get away with it now.

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Friday Man Babe - Ben Hull


Ben Hull played “Lewis Richardson” on the soap opera Hollyoaks from 1996 to 2001 and “Adam Fearnley” on the UK series The Royal Today.

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English Grammar Tips


Tips with English Grammer

1. Don't abbrev.

2. Check to see if you any words out.


3. Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.

4. About sentence fragments.

5. When dangling, don't use participles.

6. Don't use no double negatives.

7. Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.


8. Just between You and i, case is important.


9. Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.


10. Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.

11. Its important to use apostrophe's right.

12. It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.


13. Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.


14. Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should.

15. begin with a capital and end with a period

16. Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.

17. In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas


18. to keep a string of items apart.


19. Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.


20. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

21. Avoid unnecessary redundancy.

22. A writer mustn't shift your point of view.


23. Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.

24. A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.

25. Avoid cliches like the plague.

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Going Camping?


Some tips on better camping:

-- When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

-- Get even with a bear who raided your food bag by kicking his favorite stump apart and eating all the ants.

-- Old socks can be made into high fiber beef jerky by smoking them over an open fire.

-- When smoking a fish, never inhale.

-- A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes.

-- While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle.

-- Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint from navel before applying the match.

-- You can compress the diameter of your rolled up sleeping bag by running over it with your car.

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Draftee Exam


A draftee went in for his physical wearing a truss and with a little convincing acting got his papers marked M.E. for Medically Exempt.

Afterward a friend borrowed the truss to wear for his physical. At the end of the examination the doctor stamped M.E. on his papers.

"Does that mean I'm medically exempt?" he asked. "No," answered the doctor. "M.E. stands for Middle East. Anyone who can wear a truss upside down can certainly ride a camel."

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Raise?


For many years I worked as a receptionist and switchboard operator at a busy company. After a good annual review, my supervisor told me I was up for a raise, pending approval of the vice president.

A month later, my supervisor called me into his office and told me the VP had refused to approve the raise. His reason? I clearly wasn't doing my job. Every time he saw me, I was either chatting with someone in the lobby or talking on the phone.

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Friday Funny


Marketing


A Professor at one of the Management School's was explaining marketing concepts to the Students:


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. "Marry me!" - That's Direct Marketing"


You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich.Marry him." -That's Advertising"


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich."Marry me - That's Telemarketing"


You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. You get up her and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car)for her,pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her ride and then say:"By the way, I'm rich. Will you "Marry Me?" - That's Public Relations"


You're at a party and see gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says:"You are very rich! "Can you marry ! me?" - That's Brand Recognition"


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face. -"That's Customer Feedback"


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband. -"That's demand and supply gap"


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person come and tell her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" and she goes with him - "That's competition eating into your market share"


You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: "I'm rich, Marry me!" your wife arrives. - "That's restriction for entering new markets

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Did You Know....? - Insect Asides


Honeybees communicate with each other by a complicated system of round-dancing and tail-waggling. But they use different dialects. For example, Italian honeybees cannot understand Austrian honeybees. The Italian changes from the round to the waggle when food is about 115ft from the colony whereas the Austrian does so at 260ft.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Bout Ye


Origin: Irish Slang (Belfast)

Definition: How are you?

Example: Bout ye, mate?

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The WHY 58 x 38

The WHY 58 x 38







A French shipbuilding ship company joined with one in Monaco to build this yacht.

It’s enormous, the WHY 58x38. (58 meters long by 38 meters wide), and released these pictures.






The yacht, an area of 3400 m2 with seating for 12 passengers and 20 crew.

This is a "green" yacht.






Wally et Herm├Ęs use green energy for 20 to 30% fuel savings and 40 to 50% electricity consumption on board. There are 900 m2 of solar panels, producing a daily output of 500 kW.



equipment:





Three decks, a 25 meter pool, a spa, helicopter pad, sauna, gym and massage room, a 130 meter promenade, music room, dining room, cinema, sun decks, suites, terraces, lounge.

The decks are connected by stairs but there is also an elevator.





The owner’s suite:




With an area of 200m2 and completely covers the third deck. (This is the bedroom)

The sea view is great and there is a private terrace of 25 meter long.



A sea of light.





The yacht has the shape of a horseshoe and

has a roof so everything is bathed in a sea of light.





The spacious lounge.




On the lower deck are the common premises,

such as lounge, piano bar and dining area.



Dining Room





The dining room opens onto the sea view.



For the guests, 5 suites with sea views (on the middle deck).

There is also a fully equipped reading room.

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Call to the IT Department


Caller: Hi, our printer is not working.


Customer Service: What is wrong with it?


Caller: The mouse is jammed.


Customer Service: Mouse? Printers dont have a mouse you idiot.


Caller: Mmmmm.... oh really?... I will send a picture.








Scroll down






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Life Without Farms

A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.


Little Tyrone stood up and yelled:



"FREEZE, MUTHAFUCKA!!"


I guess there aren't many farms in Detroit ..


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Prizewinner


A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there's a "peel and win" sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch."

But the blonde keeps on screaming, "I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!"

Finally, the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken. You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome because we didn't have that as a prize!"

The blonde says, "No, it's not a mistake. I've won a motorhome!" And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads .

"W I N A B A G E L"

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Computa-holic 12-Step Program


1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!

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Play on Words


1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes in verse.

5. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

6. She had a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but she broke it off.

7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

9. When she got married, she got a new name and a dress.

10. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat miner.

11. When your clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

12. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blown apart.

14. You will feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

15. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

16. He often broke into a song because he couldn't find the key.

17. Every calendar's days are numbered.

18. A lot of money is tainted. 'Taint yours ...and it 'taint mine.

19. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

20. He had a photographic memory.. which was never developed.

21. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

22. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

23. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

24. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

25. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.

26. When the actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

27. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

28. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

29. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

30. Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeat.

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10 Signs Your Vet Bill is Going to Require Financing


-- The doc's thermometer registers in Fahrenheit, Celsius and dollars.

-- The bill came with payment coupons.

-- Your Doberman just ate the receptionist.

-- "He has a very rare blood type. It's called '$$ Positive.'"

-- He starts talking about extended quality of life, miracles of modern veterinary medicine and joint replacement procedures. You own a goldfish.

-- They take away the blood sample on a sterling silver serving tray.

-- The sad, pathetic whining in the exam room is coming from the owners.

-- You suddenly realize where you've heard that low whistle before: from the plumber and the auto mechanic.

-- "Do you have any idea how expensive hamster defibrillators are?"

-- and the #1 Sign Your Veterinary Bill is Going to Require Financing:

"We can rebuild him. Make him stronger, faster...."

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Oh Pun the door......


THE ABILITY TO MAKE AND UNDERSTAND PUNS IS THE HIGHEST LEVEL OF LANGUAGE DEVELOPMENT.

Here are the ten first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"


3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

"But why?", they asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."


7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.

Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Celebrities


Have you been playing a long time?…
Queen Elizabeth II, to rock legend Eric Clapton


How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test…
Prince Philip


I can do anything you want me to do as long as I don't have to speak…
Linda Evangelista


I catnap now and then...but I think while I nap, so it's not a waste of time…
Martha Stewart


I don't wake up for less than $10,000 a day…
Linda Evangelista


I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to…
Linda Evangalista


I don't think about anything too much. If I think too much…
Pamela Anderson


I feel my best when I'm happy…
Winona Ryder


I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada…
Britney Spears


I like most of the places I've been to, but I've never really wanted to go to Japan…
Britney Spears


I loved Jordan. He was one of the greatest athletes…
Mariah Carey, on death of King of Jordan


I never knew a guitar player worth a damn…
Vernon Presley, to his young son Elvis

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Did You Know....? - Potty Plants


The banyan tree produces rope like shoots from its cast spreading branches that take root to form new trunks. a 200 year old specimen in Calcutta Botanic Gardens has over 1775 trunks. During Alexander the Great's Indian campaign, as many as 20,000 soldiers are said to have sheltered under a single banyan tree.

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