A Noise


My wife has not spoken to me in three days. I think it has something to do with what happened on Sunday night when she thought she heard a noise downstairs.

She nudged me and whispered, "Wake up, wake up!"


"What's the matter?" I asked.


"There are burglars in the kitchen. I think they're eating the tuna casserole I made tonight."


"That'll teach them!" I replied.

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Strange

 
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.

However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:

"That's Strange!"

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Baseball


At the UPS cargo phone center where I worked, a woman called and said, "I need a baseball quote."

I immediately answered with Yogi Berra's famous "It ain't over 'til it's over!"


There was a brief moment of silence before the woman asked, "What was that?"


"You asked me for a baseball quote," I responded, "and that was the first thing that came into my head."


"Oh," she replied. "My husband told me to call and get a baseball quote."


I asked if she wanted to ship something, and she said she did. Then it dawned on me: "Do you mean you want a ballpark figure?"

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Dirty Child


A very dirty little boy came in from playing in the yard and asked his mother, "Who am I?"

Ready to play the game she said, "I don't know! Who are you?"


"WOW!" cried the child. "Mrs. Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't recognize me!"

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One Liners


The plumber can't put in the bathroom fixtures until next month. That's a shower stall if I've ever heard one.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


When it comes to telling her age, she's shy.....about ten years shy.


I didn't believe my wife when she said she had lost one of her fingernails while making dessert. I guess the proof will be in the pudding.


Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of beasts got the lion's share.

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Scary Visit

 
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that G~d's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"

The man says, "Yep, I sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"

The man says, "Nope, I sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, asks, "And why aren't you afraid of me?"

"Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

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Blind Date


Joe sets up his friend Mike on a blind date with a young lady-friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before. "What do I do if she's really unattractive?" says Mike. "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry," Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't just shout 'Aaaaaauuuggghhh!' and fake an asthma attack."


So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how attractive and sexy she is. He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts:


"Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"

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The Wit and Wisdome of Homer J Simpson

 
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."

"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"

"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

"I want to share something with you - three sentences that will get you through life:
Number one, 'Cover for me.'
Number two, 'Oh, good idea, boss.'
Number three, 'It was like that when I got here.'

"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, goodnight."

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughin', did you?"

"Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, you're making a scene.'"

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Quotes and Toasts


"Here's to the Army and Navy, and the battles they have won. Here's to America's colors-- The colors that never run!"

"May the tree of liberty flourish round the globe, and every human being partake of its fruits."


"May noise never excite us to battle, or confusions reduce us to defeat."


"To her we drink, for her we pray, our voices

silent never.
For her we'll fight -- let come what may, The Stars
and Stripes forever."

"Soldiers have many faults, but they have one redeeming merit; they are never worshipers of force. Soldiers more than any other men are taught severely and systematically that might is not right. The fact is obvious. The might is in the hundred men who obey. The right (or what is held to be right) is in the one man who commands them."  
Gilbert K. Chesterton

"The nation which forgets its defenders will be itself forgotten." 
Calvin Coolidge

"An army of sheep led by a lion would defeat an army of lions led by a sheep." 
Arabian Proverb

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Did You Know....? - Hard To Fathom


Sticklebacks make a nest of water weeds.  If the baby stickleback swims away from the nest, the male will chase them, suck them into his mouth, then spit them back into the nest

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Ugly Redhead


Origin: American Slang

Definition:  When things could have gone so well, but turn into a complete disaster. From the theory that redheads are either drop-dead gorgeous or double-dog ugly.

Example: It's a great plan on paper but it could turn into an ugly redhead so quickly.

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Friday Man Babe - Alexander Skarsgard


If you are not watching “True Blood”, you are missing Alexander Skarsgard and all his Nordic hotness.
Skarsgard posed for Fangtastic the 2010 Calendar and is sure to keep you warm all year long.

Alexander Skarsgård, a Swedish actor, the son of famous character actor Stellan Skarsgård. And it seems that great acting runs in the genes, because not only is Alexander hot enough to play Eric (Alexander stands 6″4′ and is built like a Greek god. Oh sorry, like a Viking.), he is also able to portray perfectly the arrogance and charisma of Eric Northman.

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Ole & Clarence

 
Ole lived across River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.

Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river, I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by golly!"

This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.

Ole's wife, Lena, says, "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you volud?"

Ole says, "OK, by yimmy I tink I vill do yust dat" Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it, then he turns around and comes back home.

Lena asked, "vhy did you come back?"

Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 ft. 6 in." You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"

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Heres a Plan


About 2 years ago my wife and I were on a cruise through the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess ship. At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone along the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room. I also noticed that all the staff, ships officers, waiters, busboys, etc., all seemed very familiar with this lady. I asked our waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told she owned the line, but he said he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

As we left the dining room one evening I caught her eye and stopped to say hello. We chatted and I said, "I understand you've been on this ship for the last four cruises." She replied, "Yes, that's true." I stated, "I don't understand" and she replied, without a pause, "It's cheaper than a nursing home."


So, there will be no nursing home in my future. When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:


1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.


2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service (which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).


3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.


4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.


5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.


6. I will get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.


7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need changing? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.


8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.


9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare; if you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.


Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.


P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

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Survey

A marketing guy was interviewing people on the street had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this. .

Which shaving cream do you use?


The gent answered, Baba's, and the guy proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, Baba's...


Which aftershave do you use?


Which deodorant do you use?


Which toothpaste do you use?


Which shampoo do you use?


Which soap do you use?


Finally, a bit frustrated, the interviewer asked,


"Ok, tell me, What is this 'Baba'? Is it an international or foreign company?"


The guy replies. . . .


"No, he's my room-mate!"

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Friday Funny


Time to tell your kids about sex

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?”

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” Little Tony said, “Oh, OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids. 

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mum wants to talk to you.”

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Did You Know....? - Inventive Minds


Laszlo Biro, the brains behind the ball-point pen, lost a fortune by forgetting to patent his invention in the US.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Vexeleration


Origin:  American Slang

Definition:  Excessive gunning of a car engine by a motorist who has just gotten out from behind a slow or otherwise annoying driver, chiefly as a message to the offending slowpoke.

Example: Mabel cheerfully went about her errands in her 1965 Rambler. She was oblivious to the tuned-up Hondas roaring by, vexelerators pressed to the floor.

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Idiots Are Among Us


DEER CROSSING

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore. This one was from Kingman, KS.


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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:


My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. And he was a Kansas City chef!


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IDIOT SIGHTING:


I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask." This happened in Brimingham, Ala.


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IDIOT SIGHTING:


The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS


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IDIOT SIGHTING:


At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare. This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.


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IDIOT SIGHTING:


I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.


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IDIOT SIGHTING:


When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know -- I already got that side."


This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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Bubba & Bobby Joe


Bubba and Bobby Joe rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. Bubba said to Bobby Joe,

"Mark this here spot so that we can come back right here again tomorrow."


The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the Bubba asked Bobby Joe, "Bobby Joe, did you mark that there spot like ah tole ya?"


His friend replied, "Shore nuff, I put a big ole 'X' on the bottom of the boat."


"You stupid fool! Now, what we gonna do if we don't get that same boat today?!"

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Counselling

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."


Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."


The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.


Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.


"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.


The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.


"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."


"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.


"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me any- more!"

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Cynicism


A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

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Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.


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Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.


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If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.


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It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.


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It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

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