Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
Fresh out of high school, I found a job cleaning the elegant home of an older couple. Among other duties, I had to dust their many imported carvings and petrified collectibles as well as pick up after their pets.
One day I was astonished to find two ivory fossils lying on the floor beside the bookcase. I quickly picked them up and put them back on the shelf. The next week the same thing happened.
That afternoon my employer came into the parlor, her faithful canine behind her. Looking around, she eyed the bookcase.
"Tippy," she asked the dog, "how do your bones keep getting up there?"
"Do give books - religious or otherwise - for Christmas. They're never fattening, seldom sinful, and permanently personal." - Lenore Hershey
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." - Kin Hubbard
"A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together." - Garrison Keillor
"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." - P. J. O'Rourke
Strange Quotes About Santa:
Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money? - Tom Armstrong
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. - Shirley Temple Black
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year. - Victor Borge
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark. - Dick Gregory
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, He must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, Must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking? - Arlo Guthrie
I played Santa Claus many times, and if you don't believe it, check out the divorce settlements awarded my wives. - Groucho Marx "The Groucho Phile"
Hell HouseSeason 1 Episode 17
This episode is funny for several reasons. The first is that Dean and Sam have a prank war! The second is that this is the first episode that we are introduced to Ed and Harry, the "professional paranormal investigators." These guys are too funny! And I love that they show up in 2 more episodes in later seasons!
Sam: Haha! Very funny! Dean: Sorry, not a lot of scenery here in East Texas. Kinda gotta make your own.
Dean: What's the matter Sammy? Afraid you gonna get a little Nair in your shampoo again, huh? Sam: Alright. Just remember, you started it. Dean: Oh, bring it on, baldy.
And thus starts the prank war!
So, Sam messes with Dean's car. Dean's retaliation is to put itching powder in Sam's undies!
Sam: Man, I think I'm allergic to our soap or something. Dean: *laughs* Sam: You did this?! You're a friggin jerk! Dean: Oh yeah!
Sam's final prank on Dean! This part was so great!
Dean: You didn't! Sam: Oh, I did!
Dean: I barely have any skin left on my palm! Sam: I'm not touching that line with a ten foot pole!
Ed and Harry, in and of themselves, greatly amuse me. Throw them together with the Winchesters, and you have a win-win situation!
Ed: Sweet Lord Harry: of the Rings! Run!
Ed: Harry, look at me, right here, okay? You are a ghost hunter, okay? Harry: I know Ed, but I've never actually seen a real ghost before, okay. Like a real ghost, a real apparition... Ed: This stuff right here, this is our ticket to the big time - fame, money, sex... with girls, okay? Be brave, okay? WWBD. What would Buffy do, huh? Harry: What would Buffy do. I know Ed, but she's stronger than me!
Ed: Okay, we've got an obligation to our fans, to the truth... Dean: Well I've got an obligation to kick both of your little asses! Sam: Dean, Dean, hey, hey, just forget it, alright! These guys...I could probably bitch slap them both!
Sam: I have a confession to make. Dean: What? Sam: I was the one who called them and told them I was a producer. Dean: Well, I was the one who put the dead fish in their backseat.
Season 2, Episode 15
This episode is so much fun! There's nothing better than Sam and Dean bickering! This is also the first time we meet the Trickster (or, as we find out in Season 5, Gabriel). The Trickster has a wicked sense of humor and he loves sweets.
Okay, first of all, Trickster! He's really great! I think it's lots of fun to go back and watch this after finding out he's an angel. I mean really! This guy loves to mess with people, eat candy, and magic himself up some sexy girls!
Trickster: Sorry I'm dragging a little ass today boys. Had quite the night last night. Lots of sex, if you catch my drift. Dean: Yeah, hard not to.
So, he is actually killing people, but the way he does it is pretty amusing! I think I pretty much love that he made the frat boy slow dance with an alien! OMG! Lulz!
Trickster: Mr. Morality here, he brought a lot of girls up here. Got more ass than a toilet seat.
Plus, he did the alligator in the sewers! And, he tried to bribe Dean with women! Great times!
Okay, so the boys start telling Bobby about whats been happening! I love how Sam and Dean portray eachother!
Sam: Dean. This is a very serious investigation. We don't have time for any of your blah blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah. Sam: I don't sound like that!
Dean: Come on dude, that's not how it happened! Sam: No? So you never drank a purple nurple? Dean: Yeah, maybe that, but I don't say things like "fiesty little wild cat" and her name wasn't Starla!
Sam: Look man, I know this all has to be so hard... Frat Guy: Not so much. Sam: But I want you to know...I'm here for you. You brave little soldier. I acknowledge your pain. Come here. (hugs) To precious for this world. Sam: I never said that! Dean: You're always saying pansy stuff like that!
The fighting is so much fun! Props to the Trickster for piting them against eachother!
Sam: How would you feel if I screwed with the Impala? Dean: It'd be the last thing you ever did!
Sam: You know something? I've put up with a lot from you! Dean: What are you talking about? I'm a joy to be around!
Bobby: You're bickering like an old married couple! Dean: No, see, married couples can get divorced. Me and him? We're like Siamese twins. Sam: It's conjoined twins. Dean: See what I mean!
Bad Day at Black Rock Season 3, Episode 3
Come on! This episode has to be on everyone's list! It's too funny to not be! Sammy is just so pathetic when his luck runs out! And Dean! Oh Dean! Trying to exploit Sam's luck with scratchers! Gotta love it!
So, as long as the boys have the rabbit foot, they have good luck!
Dean: (after knocking out the robbers) That was a lucky break. (gesturing to object in Sam's hand) Is that a rabbit's foot? Sam: I think it is. Dean: Huh.
(Dean shows Sam a sheaf of lottery scratcher tickets)Sam: Dean, c'mon. Dean: What? Hey, that was my gun he was aiming at your head. My gun don't jam, so that was a lucky break. Not to mention them taking themselves out, also a lucky break. (holds a scratcher out to Sam) Here, scratch one. C'mon, Sam. Scratch and win! Sam: (scratching) Dean, it's gotta be cursed somehow. Otherwise, Dad wouldn't have locked it up. (Dean grabs the ticket and checks it out) Dean: $1,200. You just won $1,200. Ha ha! Whooo! I dunno, man, it doesn't seem that cursed to me. (whips out another ticket for Sam to scratch) Dean: I'm Batman. Sam: (sarcastically) Yeah, you're Batman.
But as soon as they lose it, they get bad luck! Poor Sammy!
Dean: What? Sam: I lost my shoe.
(Dean leads Sam into a hotel room)Sam: What am I even supposed to do, Dean? Dean: Nothing, nothing! Come here. I don't want you doing anything! I want you to sit right here and don't move! Okay? Don't turn on the light, don't turn off the light, don't even scratch your nose!
So, I kinda just love Dean's reaction to Sammy being lucky and then being unlucky!
(Bela flirts with Sam)Dean: Dude, if you are ever gonna get lucky... Sam: Shut up.
Sam: Dean... Dean: Hey, back off, jinx. I’m bringing home the bacon.
Dean: Wow! You suck!
I also really love Dean's attitude towards Bela!
Dean: Anyhoo, this has been charming, but uh, look at the time. Oh and this... (pulls out rabbit's foot) ...looks like you're not the only one with sticky fingers. If it's any consolation, I think you're a truly awful person. (Bela shoots at Dean) See you.
Dean: What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t just go around shooting people like that! Bela: Relax, it’s a shoulder hit. I can aim. Besides, who here hasn’t shot a few people?
Bela: (after burning the foot) Thanks very much. I'm out of one and a half million and on the bad side of a very powerful, fairly psychotic buyer. Dean: Wow, I really don't feel bad about that. Sam? Sam: Nope, not even a little.
Dean: Oh don't go away angry. Just go away.
Season 4, Episode 6
Okay, no joke, the first time I watched this, my face and stomach hurt from laughing! Paranoid Dean is all kinds of fun! And the long suffering of Sammy, always dealing with Dean! And I would include this episode in any list just for Jensen's "Eye of the Tiger" performance at the end!
So, paranoid Dean is paranoid thanks to the ghost sickness! Apparently only dicks get it! LOL!
Dean: But why me? Why not you? I mean you got hit with the spleen juice. Sam: Yeah, uh, you see Bobby and I have a theory about that too. Turns out all three victims shared a certain…personality type. Fred was a bully, the other two victims, one was a vice principal the other was a bouncer. Dean: Okay? Sam: Basically they were all dicks. Dean: So you're saying I'm a dick? Sam: No, no, no it's not just that. All three victims used fear as a weapon. And now this disease is just returning the favor. Dean: I don't scare people. Sam: Dean, all we do is scare people. Dean: Okay, well, then you're a dick too. Sam: Apparently I'm not. Dean: Whatever.
Sam: Dude, you're going twenty. Dean: And? Sam: That's the speed limit. Dean: What? Safety's a crime now? Sam: Dude, where are you going? That was our hotel. Dean: Sam, I'm not gonna make a left-hand turn into oncoming traffic, I'm not suicidal. Did I just say that? That was kinda weird.
Sam: How ya feelin'? Dean: Awesome. It's nice to have my head on the chopping block again, I almost forgot what that feels like. It's friggin delightful.
(Dean's been in the parking lot of the motel)Sam: What are you doing waiting out here anyway? Dean: Our room is on the fourth floor... That's high.
Dean: Let's do this! (opens trunk, then looks over at the factory) Dean: It's a little spooky, isn't it? (Sam holds out a pistol for Dean to take) Dean: Oh, I'm not carrying that. (Sam looks confused) Dean: It could go off! I'll man the flashlight. Sam: You do that.
(a cat jumps out of a closet; Dean screams high-pitched)Dean: That was scary!
This scene is just fab! Dean does his little "i'm done" speech and then goes and gets chased by a tiny little dog!
Dean: I mean, come on Sam. What are we doing? Sam: We're hunting a ghost. Dean: A ghost, exactly. Who does that? Sam: Us. Dean: Us, right. And that Sam is exactly why our lives suck. I mean come on, we hunt monsters. What the hell? Normal people, they see a monster and they run, not us. No, no, no we search out things that want to kill us, yeah, huh, or eat us. You know who does that? Crazy people. We are insane. (pause)Dean: And then there's the bad diner food. And the skeevy motel rooms. And then the truck stop waitress with the bizarre rash. I mean who wants this life Sam? Huh? Seriously? I mean do you actually like being stuck in a car with me eight hours a day every day? I don't think so. I mean, I drive too fast and listen to the same five albums over and over and over again and... and... and I sing along and I know I'm annoying and I know that. And you, you're gassy. You eat half a burrito and you're toxic. I mean, you know what? (throws keys to Sam) Dean: You can forget it. Sam: Whoa, Dean. Where are you going? Dean: Stay away from me, Sam. Okay? 'Cause I am done with it. I'm done with the monsters and the hellhounds and the ghost sickness and the damn apocalypse! I'm out. I'm done. I quit.
And, of course, Sammy puts up with it all!
Dean: This isn't gonna work. I mean, come on, these badges are fake, what if we get busted, we could go to jail! Sam: Dean, shhh! Calm down. Deep breath, okay? (Dean takes a deep breath) Sam: Okay, you feel better? (Dean shakes his head) Sam: Just... come on.
And this ending conversation was great!
Sam: Yeah. How you feeling, by the way? Dean: Fine. Bobby: You sure, Dean? 'Cause this line of work can get awful scary. Dean I'm fine. You want to go hunting? I'll hunt. I'll kill anything. Sam Aw. Bobby He's adorable.
This scene! OMG this scene! Jensen is made of win for this!
Season 5, Episode 8
Of course, this season isn't over yet. So I just picked my fav one so far. This episode makes me giggle so much! I love that they are making fun of shows like "Grey's Anatomy" and "CSI". Plus, the herpes commercial! RFLMAO! And the Trickster is back!
Best opening credits ever! OMG! Seriously, J2 are too adorable! And the part were they bump into eachother?! LOL!
Fanboy Dean is so cute! And "Dr. Sexy, MD"?! LOL! Sam doing surgery on Dean was priceless!
Nurse 1: BP’s eighty over fifty. And dropping. (Sam nods awkwardly).
Nurse 2: Doctor. (She is holding out an instrument).
Sam: What? (looks at her, then shakes his head at the instrument).
Dean: Sam! Do something. Come on.
Sam: (leans close). I don’t know how to use any of this crap! (whispers).
Dean: Figure it out! (Sam straightens up and smiles at all the nurses again).
Dean: Sam! Hurry up! I’m waiting.
Sam: Okay. I need a penknife, some dental floss, a sewing needle, and a fifth of whiskey (everyone stares at him). STAT!
And the nutcracker Japanese game show?! WTF! LOL! Poor Sammy! And of course Sammy is the one with herpes! ^_^
Woman: I’ve got genital herpes. Older man: I’ve got genital herpes. Sam: Seriously? Dean: (runs up) Hey.You’re the one who said play our roles. So uh... Sam: Yeah. Right (looks at the ground, hands on hips, then back up at the camera) I’ve – got – genital herpes. Woman: I tried to be responsible. Older man: Did I try. Sam: But now I take twice daily Herpexia, to reduce my chances of passing it on. Woman: Ask your doctor about using Herpexia. Dean’s voice: Patients should always consult with a physician before using Herpexia. Possible side effects include headache, diarrhea, permanent erectile dysfunction, thoughts of suicide, and nausea. Sam: I am doing all I can to slightly lessen the spread of – of – of genital herpes. (smiling fakely)
This scene was funny because it was really just like a sitcom! And, you know, Cas was in it!
Dean: (looks at a big big sandwich) I’m gonna need a bigger mouth (Sam walks in the door) And that’s a good thing. .Dean: Hey there Sam, what's happening? Sam: Oh nothing, just the end of the world. You’re gonna need a bigger mouth.Hey uh, have you done your research yet? Dean: Oh yeah, all kinds of research, all night. Sam: Yeah?
(a half-naked woman comes out of bathroom) Woman: Oh Deeeaan, we have some more research to do. Sam: (makes a face to Dean) Deaaan.
Dean: (high) Son of a b*tch. Dean: How long do we have to keep doing this? (Studio audience laughs) Sam: (fake-smiling) I don't know. Maybe forever? We may die in here. (studio audience laughs) Dean: How is that funny? Vultures.
Out of order pictures are out of order! Oh well! Dean's little rant is too true!
Sam: You've got to calm down. Dean: Calm down? I am wearing sunglasses at night. You know who does that? No-talent douchebags. I hate this game. I hate that we're in a procedural cop show. And you want to know why. Because I hate procedural cop shows. It's like 300 of them on television, they're all the freakin' same.
And friggin Sammy gets turned into the Impala! OMG! LOL!
(Dean is going through the trunk of Sam-Impala)Sam: Dean? Dean: What? Sam: That – uh – feels really uncomfortable. (Dean rolls his eyes and closes the trunk, hard) Sam: Ow.
Sam: You sure this is gonna work? Dean: No, but I have no other ideas. (stands in front of the Impala and looks up) Alright, you son of a b*tch! Uncle! We’ll do it!
Sam: Should I honk?
Trickster: Where'd you get the holy oil? Dean: You might say we pulled it out of Sam's ass.
So, that's my Top 5 Funniest Supernatural episodes! And this took way longer than I was thinking it would!