Pranking the Phone Company

The power company refused to believe that my grandfather is dead. This may have something to do with the fact that I never took the electric bill out of his name after he died, due to the power company's stupid practice of charging $500 to any new hookup, even if the change is due to death.

My mother lived here for 10 years and paid the bills in his name.

I've lived here five years and have paid the bills in his name.

Well, they recently busted me. I closed out the corporation banking account from which I had always paid the bill. Then the bill came due and I had to suddenly decide from which account to write the check. In a panic, I wrote it from my personal account.

Three days later the electric company investigatative team is on the phone.

Progress Energy: "Can I speak to G.C. Chandler." Me: "Can I help you?" Progress Energy: "Is this G.C. Chandler?" Me: "I pay your bill, can I help you?" Progress Energy: "We have reason to believe Mr. Chandler no longer lives at this address, so we need to confirm his information."

I'm busted. I know it. She knows it. But I haven't actually lied yet and that's one of the big 10 so I put it off as long as possible.

Me: "What do you need to know?" PE: "I can only confirm this information through Mr. G.C. Chander."

Okay, I can't push it any further.

Me: "That's my grandfather. I pay his bills."

It's still the truth, dagnabit.

PE: "Sir, does Mr. Chandler live at this address anymore?"

No way around it anymore.

Me: "Well, not technically lives..." PE: "He passed away?" Me: "Well, he lives on in our hearts." PE: "Sir, I am going to have to cancel this account. I can help you move the account into your own name if you like."

Well, thank you Miss Helpful-stab-me-in-the-back-power-company-nazi.

So, she moves the bill into my name, sends me the new account $500 bill, and tells me to make it easier that I have to pay the $500 that I don't have to pay the G.C. Chandler bill that's already out in the mail.

Me: I don't?!! PE: Are you Mr. G.C. Chandler? Me: Brilliant!

Maybe she's not a complete nazi.

Anyway, the change of command goes through, I get my first bill and pay it. Funny thing is though; a past due bill comes in the mail to G.C. Chandler for the bill I didn't have to pay. I sent it back with a note across it stating simply "HE'S DEAD." Time for all that living in our hearts rot to go out the window. It's been years after all.

A month later, a more strident bill arrives. Straight into the trash. They aren't getting the message at Progress Energy.

Then I get THE FIRST COLLECTION CALL.

PE Bill Collector: "Can I speak to Mr. G.C. Chandler?" Me: "He's dead, thanks for reminding me." *click*

SHE HUNG UP ON ME!

A week later, I get THE SECOND COLLECTION CALL.

Another PE Bill Collector: "Can I speak to Mr. G.C. Chandler?" Me: "You into seances?" PEBC: "Excuse me?" Me: "Seances, talking to the dead. He's dead." PEBC: "I'm sorry sir, we will correct our records."

A week later I find out the last PEBC is a dirty rotten liar on the record update. COLLECTION CALL #3:

PEBC #3: "Can I speak to Mr. G.C. Chandler?" Me: "He stays down the street now."

I'm not lying. The family plot is two blocks down in the old city grave yard.

PEBC: "Do you have that address?" Me: "It's on Main Street. I don't know the exact address but it's just north of the Elementary School on Main Street. He's actually dead next to the Elementary school."

It is. He's halfway back on the right. And dead.