6 Types of Telemarketers (And Appropriate Punishments)

While universally despised, not all telemarketers are created equal. Here are the six types that routinely hassle me…

1. The Freight Train

The Freight Train starts talking the moment you answer the phone, and continues talking over you as you attempt to explain politely to him that you’re not in the market for free month of Ferrets Magazine. It’s like he’s trying to auction off his item. He believes as long as he keeps talking, you will be unable to hang up. This type often pushes “charities” – firemen, policemen, heart disease, whatever. They figure if they can just get to the part where you’re an ass for not giving to these worthy causes, you’ll see the light.

Punishment: Lock him in a room for a full week with recordings of Fran Drescher, Dick Vitale, Chris Tucker and Gilbert Gottfried playing simultaneously, non-stop.

2. Foreign Dude

This guy butchers your last name like Jason at a Camp Crystal Lake slumber party. Not only do you get the unsolicited phone call, but you get the uncomfortable feeling of having to say “What? I’m sorry, what?” The only thing worse would be sitting through a whole episode of “Outsourced.” Did they really leave that show on for a whole season? Not funny AND offensive. Bravo, NBC, Bravo. I can’t IMAGINE why you’re in last place.

Punishment: Leave him alone. Chances are he lives in India, and I saw Slum Dog Millionaire. Heat, floods, squalor, caste system… He has enough problems.

3. Robocaller

You have to be a special kind of schmuck to listen to a recorded telemarketing call. These menaces are often employed by political candidates, so sometimes it is hard to tell that robotic voice isn’t just him.

Punishment: Leave it in the rain to rust.

4. Somebody Kill Me

This poor bastard had the soul sucked from his body years ago. Every word he mumbles says “Buy this product, or don’t. Honestly, I don’t care. I’m going home to my gray apartment to watch Lost on DVD again in 10 minutes anyway.”

Punishment: Clearly, his own life is punishment enough.

5. Angry Girl

When you hangup on Angry Girl, she calls you back. You don’t answer it. She calls again. If you don’t take the phone off the hook, and instead just stare at the ringing phone with your jaw on the floor asking “Seriously??!” she’ll leave a nasty message. This girl hasn’t been telemarketing long enough for her skin to thicken to the rhino-like hide of the vacant-eyed old-timers. My favorite called back and left a message telling me that my “secretary” had hung up on her. Like I was going to fire my secretary for hanging up on a telemarketer. Hell,I’d give her a raise.

Oh, and the secretary was me, too.

Punishment: Lock her in a room with all the crazy, angry women from reality TV. May the best anger management candidate win. Twelve angry bitches enter, one tired reformed lady leaves. Hey, I think I just came up with a new reality show: “Crazy Bitch Cage Match.” My money is on NeNe Leakes. That chick is HUGE. Andre the Giant would think twice before entering a ring with her. Of course, he isn’t as limber as he used to be.

6. Captain Douche

“Hey! How are you today! How’s that weather? Got any Spring flower where you are?!!” YOU WILL NOT SMALL TALK ME INTO SUBMISSION. SHUT UP.

Punishment: Death. This guy is clearly going to end up in bell tower with a rifle some day, so we better just nip that in the bud now.