Strangely Addictive

Ellen DeGeneres Game?
Drop This Woman Who Looks Just Like Ellen Through A Never Ending Series Of Balls In Space...
Highly Addictive!

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Special Women Driver Parking Spots

Don't get mad at us, we are just letting you know.
In Luxembourg it is thought that women are so lousy at driving and parking cars that they have created special parking spots designed and reserved for "Dames".


Not only are they marked for ladies but they are designed wider than normal spots so women won't scratch the car next to them.
The walls are built from a soft material that gives in case she doesn't stop.
Not only that but if you bump the wall the signs light up to let you know it's time to stop.

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Southpark - The Human Centipad




South Park scores again with The Human CentiPad, which is exactly what you’re afraid it is: a grotesque combination of The Human Centipede and the iPad. Two great tastes that taste great together!
Sure, the Human CentiPad may be “fully interfaced, mouth-to-anus,” but the real innovation here is that South Park just proved it’s possible to LOL and puke a little bit at the same time.

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SpaceGASM!!!


Nick Risinger’s first foray into astrophotography is a breathtaking 360 degree panorama of the entire night sky. It took 6 cameras, 37,000 images, 60,000 miles of travel and over a year to make, but the result is entirely worthwhile. It’s an interactive, zoomable survey of the sky that includes tens of millions of stars.
Forget flying cars. You know we’re living in the future when someone can quit his marketing job, buy some tiny 5″-cubed cameras and take a picture of space that looks this good.
Risinger plans to sell prints, and his cameras are also up for sale to other aspiring astrophotographers.

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Breakdancing Anaconda


Scroll Your Mouse Up and Down to Dance

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Sebastians Voodoo

 

Redditor joabaldwin, AKA animator Joaquin Baldwin, says: “Another animated film I made, Sebastian’s Voodoo. This one got over 100 awards in festivals and got me the Disney job.”
Was the Disney job President of Everything? Because it’s seriously that good.

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Art Project

The Project of the Day at the Hebrew Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memory”. 



















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Friday Man Babe - Matt Dillon


Dillon was discovered by pure chance while still in high school.  He has been in well over thirty movies.  Dillon made his film debut in the violent teen drama Over the Edge. From there Dillon has worked on films such as:  Tex (1982), The Flamingo Kid (1984) Drugstore Cowboy (1989), Mr. Wonderful (1993), There’s Something About Mary (1998), Crash (2005) and You, Me and Dupree (2006).

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Physical Problems


A gentleman was having some physical problems and his doctor told him that he had to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of a week he returned and the doctor asked if he was feeling better.

The man said that he actually felt worse. "Did you drink warm salt water an hour before breakfast each day?" the Doc asked.


"No," replied the man somberly, letting out a sigh. "I could only do about 15 minutes!"

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Custom Software

My old boss had spent some time writing software packages for this particular program. The software usually came as source code and was executed through an interpreter. He started a small business selling his custom software.

One day at a scientific meeting, he noticed another company was showing the software with 'remarkably' similar functionality as his own. He wandered over to watch the demo and the longer he watched, the more familiar it looked.


Eventually, when the sales gerbil had gathered a good crowd, he asked in a rather loud voice, "Are you using my copyrighted copy for this?"


"Of course not!" the sales gerbil replied.


"So, what happens if you press [key combination]?"


"Nothing."


"Well, humor me. Do it for me."


"Ok, sir, but I can assure it you does . . ." and upon pressing the keys . . .the large screen popped up my boss' copyright notice.


It was widely accepted as the biggest laugh of the show.

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Late for Work


Hugh came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

"What's the story this time. Hugh?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."


Hugh sighed and said, "Everything went wrong this morning. The wife decided to drive me to the harbour. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the ferry didn't turn up. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river, ran over the mountain, borrowed a bicycle and cycled the 20 miles through the glen to this office."


"You'll have to do better than that. Hugh," replied the boss, disappointed. "No woman can be ready in ten minutes."

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She Was So Blonde That...


- She tripped over a cordless phone.

- She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."


- She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."


- She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."


- She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.


- She studied for a blood test.


- When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.


- When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.


- She sold the car for gas money!

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Spell Cheque


Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid

It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it

I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

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Lifes Observations


1. Marriage changes passion; suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

2. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea."


3. I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here.


4. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.


5. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


6. I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.


7. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.


8. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.


9. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a couple of bucks at the bowling alley.


10. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.


11. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?


12. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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Top Secret Communications Centre


When my son was in the Air Force, my wife and I visited quite often. On our first visit, we were allowed inside this top secret Communications Center, but everything in sight was covered up so we could look around everywhere -- Heck, even the toilet paper in the Men's room was disguised.

Anyway, at the exit, there's a sign above the door, which reads: "You have been exposed to Top Secret Material. Please destroy yourself before leaving the building."

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Aspirin Overdose


Jane calls the doctor in a panic. "Doctor, doctor! My little Jimmy swallowed a dozen aspirin. What should I do?"

The doctor asked Jane, "Are you sure it was a dozen?"


The frantic mother says, "Absolutely! Doctor, I'm scared to death!"


The doctor tells the mother, "Calm down. Is little Jimmy crying?"


Jane says "No."


"Is he sleeping?" asks the doctor.


"No." says Jimmy's mom.


The doctor goes on with routine questions, "Is his color funny?"


Again Jane says "No."


"Did Jimmy throw up?" asks the methodical doctor.


"No." says the worried mom. "But I'm so scared. All that aspirin...shouldn't I do something?"


To which the doctor says, "Try giving him a headache."

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Friday Funny


A man went fishing one day.

He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.

All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

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Did You Know....? - Winged Wonders


An Ostrich's eye is larger than its brain

An Ostrich egg takes 40 minutes to hard-boil.  The shell is so strong that it can support the weight of a 20-stone man

On its death, an Ostrich at London Zoo was found to have swallowed an alarm clock, 3 ft of rope and a quantity of coins.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Frictal


Frictal: Friction or ill will between colleagues in the workplace. 

Example: The dynamics between Joe and Bob have been frictal ever since Bob took
credit for Joe's work and got promoted .

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Introducing Willy the Tourist


“Introducing Willy, the tourist with a lot of frequent flier miles. Indefatigable and cute, he’s a good reminder for all of us to stay safe.”
Also, he’s a CG penis.

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Damn Nature - You Scary

 

An ant and a spider go creepy crawler to creepy crawler with a twist ending that will have you pulling your childhood nightlight from storage faster than you can say “FIRE. EVERYWHERE. NOW.”

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Alternative Names for Cubicles


14. Soul-Sucking Pod o' Death

13. Tomb of the Unknown Bureaucrat


12. Slack-In-The-Box


11. Headquarters, Jodie Foster Fan Club


10. Peon Palazzo


9. Yuppie Terrarium


8. The SnackFooda Triangle


7. English Majors Entry Point


6. Luxury Manhattan Apartment


5. Picasso's Folly


4. International Porn Downloading Headquarters


3. Fortress of Servitude


2. Casa de Livin' La Vida Veal


1. Wraparound Turbo Demoralizer 2000

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Amazing Insults


He's so fat, he has the only car in town with stretch marks.

He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet paper and dangle his feet.


He's the first in his family born without a tail.


What color is the sky in your world?


What he lacks in intelligence, he more than makes up for in stupidity.


When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your head.


You're so ugly your husband takes you with him everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.


Instead of being born again, why don't you just grow up?

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Sports Car Dreams


A man went into his shrink's office and says, "Doc, you have got to help me! Every night I keep dreaming that I'm a sports car. The other night, I dreamed I was a Trans Am. Another night, I dreamed I was an Alpha Romeo. Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?"

"Relax," says the shrink, "You're just having an auto-body experience."

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A Penthouse in Heaven


The Pope dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, Saint Peter shows him to his new quarters which turn out to be a tiny one bedroom apartment.

The Pope is horrified and wants to know why he doesn't have the penthouse apartment, which is huge.


Saint Peter informs him that the resident of the penthouse is a lawyer.


"A lawyer," says the Pope. "But I'm the Pope, surely I'm more important."


"With respect Sir," says Saint Peter, "We have lots of Pope's up here, but we only have ONE lawyer!"

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Political Correctness


I think the political correctness is getting ridiculous. Today I overheard a little boy say he was going to go play a game of Cattle Management Specialists and Native Americans.

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Red & Blue Lights


Judi was sitting at the defendant table while the state trooper was being cross-examined on the witness stand.

The lawyer asked, "When you stopped Judi, were your red and blue lights flashing?"


"Yes, sir, they were."


"Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?"


"Yes, sir, she did."


"And," looking at Judi, "what was it she said?"


"She said, 'What disco am I at?'"

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Contact Lens


The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.

Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.


"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.


"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.


"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."

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Top 10 Reasons Dogs Are Better Than Cats


1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.


3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.


4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.


5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.


6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will drop a dead mouse in your slippers.


7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.


8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and get back to you.


9. Dogs will play fetch with you all day long. The only thing cats will play with all day long are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.


10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

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Drunk at Confessional


A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence.


Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"


"I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

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The Widow at the Farmhouse


Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Not to worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."


Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow's attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"


"Yes, I do."


"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and visit with her?"


"Yes, I have to admit that I did."


"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"


Bob's face turns red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."


"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

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