Best Birthday Present Ever!!!


Five-year-old Doctor Who fan Zachary Smith of Somerset, UK, just got his very own Tardis as a birthday present. His dad built the replica time machine to look exactly like the real deal, minus the whole “bigger on the inside” part.
Zachary also has a Doctor outfit just like his hero, Matt Smith. Bowtie included, of course. Bowties are cool.

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Ninja Stars


Zachr at Thingiverse says he laser-cut this neon green ninja star with retractable blades at the request of his seven-year-old brother.
As if he wouldn’t have made one for himself anyway. There’s no such thing as “too old for ninja stars.”
Check out a video of the toy in action after the jump.

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YARR!! Pirate Find


On Friday, an almost 3,000 pound anchor from Blackbeard’s pirate ship was hoisted out of the water off the coast of North Carolina.
The anchor was one of three on Blackbeard’s flagship, the Queen Anne’s Revenge. The ship is believed to have run aground off the coast of Beaufort in 1718 and the wreckage was discovered in 1996.
The North Carolina Department of Cultural Resources is trying to rescue quite a bit of Blackbeard’s booty to be used for public education and awareness of underwater preservation projects.

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Merciless Alarmclock


Designers are constantly thinking up new ways to make alarm clocks more effective, but this one could really hurt you where it counts.
Designed to shred whatever you place inside, this alarm clock will make sure it’s in slivers if you’re not up in time.
Way harsh, alarm clock.

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Worlds First BMX Triple Back Flip


24-year-old kiwi Jed Mildon made action-sports history by performing the world’s first (recorded) BMX triple backflip at today’s Unit T3 Mindtricks BMX Jam in Taupo, New Zealand. 

“This is the perfect result to three intensive months of practicing and training for this moment,” Mildon said after landing the jump. “The impact and implications hasn’t sunken in yet, but I’m so pumped to have aimed for something once deemed impossible and made my dream a reality

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Tupac Still Alive in New Zealand

PBS.org was hacked earlier today by Lulz Security, the “hacktivist group” responsible for the recent Sony Music Japan hack. LulzSec published a fake story on the news organization’s The Rundown blog, claiming that Tupac was alive and well in New Zealand. They also tweeted links to PBS logins and passwords, and offered to sell custom PBS blog domains.
From the now deleted article:
Prominent rapper Tupac has been found alive and well in a small resort in New Zealand, locals report. The small town – unnamed due to security risks – allegedly housed Tupac and Biggie Smalls (another rapper) for several years. One local, David File, recently passed away, leaving evidence and reports of Tupac’s visit in a diary, which he requested be shipped to his family in the United States.
LulzSec say they targeted PBS because they were upset about the recent Frontline special “WikiSecrets,” an hour-long documentary on WikiLeaks that founder Julian Assange decried as “trying to build an espionage case” against himself and suspected WikiLeaks source Pvt. Bradley Manning.
LulzSec claim they’re still in control of the PBS backend, taunting PBS admins and posting an additional fake article some hours ago. The group is apparently not done with Sony yet, either: The LulzSec Twitter feed includes several mentions of #sownage (Sony + ownage) that seem to be scheduled for tomorrow.
Oh, and it wasn’t Anonymous who hacked Fox and stole contestant data from The X Factor. It was LulzSec.

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The Frog


A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn’t want to
spend a fortune.

- "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it’s been trained to do blowjobs."


- "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.


- "It hasn’t been proven, but we’ve sold 30 of them this month," he said.


The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it’s true? No more blowjobs for her!

She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy’s ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.


In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.


- "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.


The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here."

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What Would You Do?!


A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.


Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.


The husband put a gun to the naked man´s head.


The wife shouted, "Don´t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

This man paid for the new golf clubs I bought you. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"


The cabby said, "I´d cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

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Time Off

 
Two bone weary public servants were working their little hearts and souls out. Their department was just too busy for staff to be able take flex. But there had to be a way...
One of the two public servants suddenly lifted his head. "I know how to get some time off work" the man whispered.

"How?" asked the second worker.

Instead of answering, the man quickly looked around. No sign of his Director. He jumped up on his desk, kicked out a couple of ceiling tiles and hoisted himself up. "Look!" he hissed, then swinging his legs over a metal pipe, hung upside down.

Within seconds, the Director emerged from the Branch Head’s office at the far end of the floor. He saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he thought he was doing.

"I’m a light bulb" answered the public servant.

"I think you need some time off," barked the Director. "Get out of here - that’s an order - and I don’t want to see you back here for at least another two days! You understand me?"

"Yes sir", the public servant answered meekly, then jumped down, logged off his computer and left.

The second worker was hot on his heels.

"Where do you think you’re going?" the boss asked.

"Home," he said lightly. "I can’t work in the dark."

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Almost Darwin Award Winner 1997


You all know about the Darwin Awards - It’s an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing/injuring themselves in the
most extraordinarily stupid way.

The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.


In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO (rocket) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred feet above the roadbed.


And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment.


Larry’s boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over his backyard.


One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully inflated, would measure more than four feet across.


Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his

sturdy lawn chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with the helium.

He climbed on for a test while it was still only a few feet above the ground.


Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun - figuring he could pop a few balloons when it was time to descend - and went back to the floating lawn chair.


He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry’s plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back down.


Things didn’t quite work out that way. When he cut the cord anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn’t float lazily up to 30 or so feet. Instead he streaked

into the LA sky as if shot from a cannon. He didn’t level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at 100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 feet.

At that height he couldn’t risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours.


Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport.


A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed the existence of an object

floating 11,000 feet above the airport. LAX emergency
procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was dispatched to investigate.

LAX is right on the ocean. Night was falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the helicopter caught up with Larry.


Once the crew determined that Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they neared.


Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly executed by the helicopter crew.


As soon as Larry was hauled to earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter

dispatched to cover the daring rescue asked why he had
done it.

Larry stopped, turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can’t just sit around."


Let’s hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Almost (he survived) Darwin Award Winner

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Working Man Blues Part 2


Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I ...just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I ...couldn't live on my net income.


Thought about becoming a witch, so I ...tried that for a spell.


I managed to get a good job working for a pool-maintenance company, but the work was ...just too draining.


I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I ...wasn't up to it.


So then I got a job in a fitness-center, but they said I ...wasn't fit for the job.


Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking and I ...was discharged.


After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was ...no future in it.


My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it ...was always the same old grind.

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Working Man Blues


My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so ...they gave me the ax.


After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because ...it was a so-so job.


Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that ...was exhausting.


I wanted to be a barber, but ...I just couldn't cut it.


Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just ...didn't have the thyme.


I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I...couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found ...I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I...didn't have any patients

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Medical Error


At the outpatient surgery center where I work, the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before their operations to help them relax.

One day he thought he recognized a woman as a co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.


When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct, he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad there as it used to be?"


"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking it."

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I Want to be a Bear


I want to be a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.


Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.


If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you are sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.


If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.


If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.


Yup... I want to be a bear!

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Shopping


My husband had reluctantly agreed to come shopping with me. But when he found himself stuck in a lingerie shop while I tried on one garment after another, he regretted his decision. Impatient and bored he asked a salesclerk, "Is there anything in the store for men?"

"Sir," she said, "everything in this store is for men."

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Map


Before heading out on a family hike, we stood at the trailhead reviewing map pinned to a bulletin board. A red arrow on the map that said "You are here" caught my six year old's attention. Pointing to it he asked. "How do they know that?"

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First Anniversary


The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror.

The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary.


But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"

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Coffee


Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick.

"How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter.


She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks."

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Did You Know....? - Baby Talk


A foetus acquires fingerprints at the age of 3 months.

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Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Achecanantooch


Achecanantooch: To eat foreign food. 

Example: I'm hungry. Let's achecanantooch all night!

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Who's the Father


The following are all replies that have been included on the UK Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father’s details.

- Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.


- I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.


- I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man, I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?

Thanks

- I don’t know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he’s had it replaced.

- I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son’s conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.


- I cannot tell you the name of child A’s dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country please advise.


- [name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?


- From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom?

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Restaurant Blunders


- "Open seven days a week. Closed Sundays." -- On the bottom of a pizza parlor’s take-out menu.

- "Parking for drive-through customers only." -- A sign at a McDonald’s in California.


- "Eat Here - Get Gas" -- A sign at a gas station.


- "Is this for here or to go?" -- Asked of a Dairy Queen customer at a drive-through window.


Waitress: "would you like your breadsticks with or without cheese?".

Customer: "What’s the difference?"

- "How many pieces are in the eight piece chicken meal?"


- "Does your ice cream contain dairy products?" -- A customer at the drive-through of a fast food restaurant.

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Church Social


Our minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person.

"However, if you're over 65," he said, "the price will be only $5.50."


From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice rang out, "Do you really think I'd give you that information for only fifty cents?"

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Artists Canvas


I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.

Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"


Me: "Certainly, what width?"


Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Uh, Scissors?"

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Skeleton


I was helping a buddy of mine, who was an orthopedic surgeon, move to his new office, and using my car to help transport some of his office equipment.

I had decided to position his somewhat fragile display skeleton strapped into the back seat of my car, his bony arm across the back of my seat...


At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became quite obvious. I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to a doctor's office."


The other driver leaned out of his window. and commented, "I hate to tell you, but I looks like you may be a bit too late!"

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Church Cake


Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this -- especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.


She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.


She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."


So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.


Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.


She plunked it in and covered it with icing.


The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.


When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.


Alice was beside herself.


The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.


After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.


Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"


Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,


"Thank you, I baked it myself."

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AAADD


Recently, I was diagnosed with A. A. A. D. D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:


I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.


I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first.


But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.


I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.


I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.


I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers...


Now I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.


Then I head down the hall trying to remember


what I was planning to do.


At the end of the day:


-the car isn't washed,


-the bills aren't paid,


-there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,


-the flowers don't have enough water,


-there is still only one check in my check book,


-I can't find the remote,


-I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.


Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.


I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.


Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, --your day is coming!

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Computer Programming


More and more computer science majors at U.S. colleges are opting not to take programming jobs after they graduate.

Not because they don't want to work in the computer industry, it's just that they want to spend a few more years in America before having to move to India.

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