Boring Speaker


The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a Stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."

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Police


Yesterday I was at the local Wal-Mart. Now I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out, there he was - a damn Motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket ...

So, I went to him and said: "Come on Buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He simply ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So, I called him a pencil necked Nazi. He then glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!

So, I called him a sorry excuse for a human being. He then finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started to write a third ticket!

This went on for about 25 minutes ... the more I abused and hurled insults at him, the more tickets he wrote ...
But hey, the look on his face was priceless when he watched me get in my car...  The next row over

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Amish Carriage


While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not step in exhaust."

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Confused


After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

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Under the Sea


A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )

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5th Graders


About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.

No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"

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Golf - Important Little Known Facts


- EVER notice that it's easier to get up at 6:00 to golf than at 10:00 to mow?

- GOLF IS the ultimate love/hate relationship.


- SOMETIMES it seems as though your cup moveth over.


- IT TAKES LONGER to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.


- A GOOD DRIVE on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.


- WATER hazards are no walk in the park for fish, turtles and frogs, either.


- GOLF IS the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you end up praying a lot.


- A GOOD golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.


- THAT rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.


- IF THERE'S a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.


- Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And a week later you have to buy more.


- A PRO shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.


- IT'S amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks and rake his sand trap.


- IF YOUR opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.


- YOU probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Lee Trevino


• "I've been hit by lightning and been in the Marine Corps for four years. I've traveled the world and been about everywhere you can imagine. There's not anything I'm scared of except my wife."

• "You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work."

• "If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron."

• "You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen."

• "There is no such thing as a natural touch. Touch is something you create by hitting millions of golf balls."

• "You don't know what pressure is until you've played for $5 a hole with only $2 in your pocket."

• "One of the nice things about the Senior Tour is that we can take a cart and cooler. If your game is not going well, you can always have a picnic."

• "I'm in the woods so much I can tell you which plants are edible."

• "I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes they would have come up sliced."

• "Putts get real difficult the day they hand out the money."

• "I'm a golfaholic. And all the counseling in the world wouldn't help me."

• "I still swing the way I used to, but when I look up the ball is going in a different direction."

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Friday Funny


Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

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Did For Art's Sake


Paul Gaugin worked as a laborer on the building of the Panama Canal

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Slang of the Day - Jacudi

 
Jacudi: Butt. 

Example: My jacudi doesn't fit in these pants.

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HIMYM S6 Bloopers & Outtakes


Bloopers and outtakes season continues with the gag reel from the season six of How I Met Your Mother.
As with the others (Parks & Rec Season 3 gag reel knows what I’m talking about), this one may not be long for this world, so watch it now before The Man shuts it down.

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Mini Game of the Week - Create a Snowman


             

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Excuses


- The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

- I prefer to remain an enigma.

- My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

- I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

- I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

- I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

- I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source, exactly e*log(pi), of the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

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I'm Going to be Late Because...

- I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

- I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

- I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

- If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

- Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

- I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

- The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

- I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

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Bad Combinations


Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least... my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

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What Chair?


A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

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The President Sucks

The President was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, he called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from the Vice President."

"Al? How could you do this to me? What could be worse than this?"

"The handwriting's the first lady's."

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Heart Specialist Funeral

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a gynecologist."

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Clever Kids


TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
---
TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
---
TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
---
TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
---
TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
---
TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
---
TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to! the ground than you are.

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21st Birthdays


A boy from Duluth, Minnesota named Lars had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seem that his father, grandfather and great grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthdays, to the boat club across the lake for their first legal drink.

So when Lars' 21st came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Lars stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned. Sven managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Lars went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Lars' eyes and said, "Because your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January. You were born in July."

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Kids Think Fast


TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
---
TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
---
TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
---
TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
---
TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
---
TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
---
SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

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Did You Know....? - It's Only Words


"Stewardesses" and "reverberated" are the longest words that can be typed with only the left hand.

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Slang of the Day - Garbarator

 
Garbarator: Canadian term for garbage disposal. 

Example: Kitchen features include microwave, dishwasher and in-sink garbarator

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