Spooge's Spit Up - Fairly Clean Irish Jokes

Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly.

So the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

His two best friends, Seamus and Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.

Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician rolled him over.

Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain'tPaddy".

The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body.

Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over".

The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."

"What, he had two arseholes???" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say,

"Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes...."

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AN IRISHMAN GOES FOR A JOB WITH A BLACKSMITH……………….
THE BLACKSMITH ASKS, “HAVE YOU ANY EXPERIENCE OF SHOEING HORSES ?”
“NO”, REPLIES THE IRISHMAN "BUT I ONCE TOLD A DONKEY TO FUCK OFF”.

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A man is driving along in the Irish countryside, when he comes to a petrol station, since he's in need of petrol, the man decides to stop.
He says to the attendant at the station, "Fill it up, will you?".
The man says "Sorry - we're right out of petrol."
So the man considers, and says "Well, I'm a bit low on oil, would you mind topping that up?"
And the attendant responds"Sorry, but no oil either."
The man thinks, and asks the attendant to wash his windscreen, to which he gets the by-now predictable response that he can't do that.
The man at this point is fairly mad, so he asks the attendant
"Just what kind of petrol station is this ?"
The attendant then looks both ways, and very carefully whispers to the man
"To tell you the truth, this is just an IRA front."
The man then says "Well, in that case, you can blow up the tyres !"

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Michael Hoolihan was courting Frances Phelan.
The young couple sat in the parlor of the girl's house night after night, much to the annoyance of old man Phelan.
One night he couldn"t take any more.
Standing at the top of the stairs, he yelled down, "What's that young fella doin' here all hours of the night?"
"Why, Dad, " said Frances, "Michael was just telling me everything that's in his heart!"
"Well, next time, " roared Phelan, "just let him tell you what's in his head, and it won't take half as long!"