Spooge's Spit Up - Suggestions for a Better Life

Suggestions for a better life:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just ******** leave me alone.

2. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbors' newspaper, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air -- it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. No one is listening until you fart.

5. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a car payment.

6. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

7. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

8. Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

9. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it may have been well worth it.

10. Don't worry. It only seems kinky the first time.

11. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

12. There are two theories about arguing with women. Neither one works.

13. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

14.Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time!