Most Awesome Google Docs Presentation Ever
Friday Man Babe - Michael Phelps
Thanks to all that gold medal practice swimming Michael Phelps body is just perfect. I think I need some swimming lessons. Care to lend a hand Michael?
Meat Lover Sub
Whenever I go to my local Subway, I find I constantly get either ingredients on my sub I didn’t ask for, or a sub missing some ingredients I did ask for. I’m not that picky, so one day when I was in a rush I asked for a 6-inch meat-lovers with everything.
Clerk: "Do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yeah, everything please."
Clerk: "Cheese?"
Me: "Yes, just put everything on it please."
Clerk: "Pickles?"
Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."
This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step, until we reached the salt and pepper.
Clerk: "Salt?"
Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that’s ok."
Salt goes on anyway.
Clerk: "Pepper?"
Me: "Yeah."
No pepper.
Finally the sub’s rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour later, start eating the sub and notice there’s no meat on my meat-lover sub.
Clerk: "Do you want lettuce?"
Me: "Yeah, everything please."
Clerk: "Cheese?"
Me: "Yes, just put everything on it please."
Clerk: "Pickles?"
Me: "Yes, everything, the works, please."
This went on for every ingredient, getting more annoying with each step, until we reached the salt and pepper.
Clerk: "Salt?"
Me: (wanting to get going) "No, that’s ok."
Salt goes on anyway.
Clerk: "Pepper?"
Me: "Yeah."
No pepper.
Finally the sub’s rung up, and I rush out of the store. Half an hour later, start eating the sub and notice there’s no meat on my meat-lover sub.
The Language Barrier
English is not an easy language. Something that’s close to what you might want to say could mean something completely different. Here are some actual things spoken or written by foreigners who are a little rusty on their English.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
"Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose." - A sign in a Swiss hotel.
"Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time." - A sign in a laundry in Rome.
"Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11am daily." - A sign in a hotel in Athens.
"Please waste." - Signs on trash cans in an amusement park in Osaka, Japan.
"Specialist in women and other diseases." - A sign outside of Roman doctor’s office.
"Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar." - A sign in a Norwegian cocktail lounge.
"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." - A sign in a Japanese hotel.
"Deposit: The owner asks for a deposit of 25.000 ptas as a guarantee for the flat. This amount will be returned at the end of your stay if any damage has been done." - A sign in a Spanish hotel.
"Please to bathe inside the tub." - A sign in a Japanese hotel room.
"Members and non-members only." - A sign outside Mexico City’s Mandinga Disco in the Hotel Emporio.
The Late Son
A guy was in a supermarket when he noticed an old lady following him around. Whenever he stopped, she stopped, and she also kept staring at him. She finally overtook him just before the checkout where she turned to him and said:
"I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable - it’s just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that’s ok," he said.
"I know it’s silly," she continued, "but if you called out ’Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That’ll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I’ve only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her..."
"I hope I haven’t made you feel uncomfortable - it’s just that you look so much like my late son."
"Oh, that’s ok," he said.
"I know it’s silly," she continued, "but if you called out ’Goodbye, Mother’ as I leave, it would make me ever so happy." The old lady proceeded through the checkout and as she left the supermarket, the man called out "Goodbye Mother." The old lady waved back, and kindly smiled.
Pleased he had brought a bit of sunshine to someone’s day the man went to pay for his groceries.
"That’ll be 105 dollars 35," said the clerk.
"How come?" inquired the man. "I’ve only bought a few things!"
"Yeah, but your mother said you’d pay for her..."
Garaunteed Politically Incorrect
British Prime Minister David Cameron has announced he intends to make it more difficult to claim social security benefits.
From next week the forms will only be printed in English.
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 Million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except VB.
Barman asks, "What's wrong with VB?"
Bloke says,
"I had 12 pints of VB last night and when I came round I was f--ing skint."
Barman says, " 12 pints of anything costs about the same."
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.
Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
Wife says to husband "you only ever want sex when you're drunk.
Husband says "that's not true....... sometimes I want a kebab"
My son asked me today what's the difference between a crow and a blackbird.
I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.
Teacher to class: "Children, we are all descendants of Adam and Eve"
Pupil: "But Miss, my mummy and daddy said we come from the apes."
Teacher: "Stay out of this one Leroy, I'm not talking about your lot."
I bought the wife a Memory Stick, it's great!
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.
Why is it whenever you see a fit blonde eating a banana you think of a porn film but
when you see a black woman eating a banana you think of the discovery channel?
Sky news report. The Irish have joined in the attack on Libya .
They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand, and one full of cement..it was a mortar attack.
The missus asked if she pleased me in bed?
I said "yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."
. . . "What trick?" she asked?
"The one where you shut up and go to sleep!"
An assortment of high powered weapons and a stash of drugs including cocaine, heroin and
ecstasy have been found behind the Job Centre in Liverpool .
The locals are said to be in a state of shock........
They had no idea they had a job centre!
Kate Middleton asked the Queen for advice on marriage and a long relationship...
she replied "wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off!"
10 Features of the Company Car
-- Accelerates at a phenomenal rate.
-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
-- Has a much shorter braking distance than the private car.
-- Can take speed humps at twice the speed of private cars.
-- The battery, radiator water, oil and tires never have to be checked.
-- It can be driven up to 60 miles with the oil warning light flashing.
-- It needs cleaning less often than private cars.
-- The suspension is reinforced to allow for the weekend loads of bricks, concrete slabs and other building material.
-- Unusual and alarming engine noises are easily eliminated by turning up the radio.
-- It needs no security system and may be left anywhere, unlocked and with the keys in the ignition.
-- It is especially sand and waterproof for barbeques and fishing expeditions on remote beaches.
Eat Chocolate?
A good piece of chocolate has about 200 calories. As I enjoy 2 servings per night, and a few more on weekends, I consume about 3,500 calories of chocolate in a week, which equals one pound of weight per week.
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!
Therefore, in the last 3-1/2 years, I have had chocolate caloric intake of about 180 pounds, and I only weigh 165 pounds.
So... without chocolate, I would have wasted away to nothing about 3 months ago! I owe my life to chocolate!
Day Care
A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum.
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
"Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh."
Doctors Help
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."
The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bar- tender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The Doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good." He sputtered.
"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."
"But you threw the wine in my face again!" The bartender exclaimed.
"Yes." The man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
Friday Funny
The ABC's of Growing Older
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Made in Britain
William the Conqueror ordered that everyone should go to bed at eight o'clock.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Oy Vey
Oy Vey: Standard Jewish expression of exasperation, frustration, annoyance, sympathy.
Example: Did you see that guy at the bar? He wouldn't leave me alone all night.
Oy vey, what a loser.
OK Go - All Is Not Lost
OK Go‘s latest viral-ready music video finds the foursome decked out in bodysuits, writhing around with members of the contemporary dance company Pilobolus to the tune of “All Is Not Lost” off Of the Blue Colour of the Sky.
Make sure to check out the video’s interactive version. It’s way cooler.
Quick Quiz
Schwartzenegger has a big one
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Lady GaGa's is Both
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
Michael J. Fox has a small one
Madonna doesn't have one
The Pope has one but doesn't use his
Clinton uses his all the time
Lady GaGa's is Both
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one
George Burns' was hot
Liberace never used his on women
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his
We never saw Lucy use Desi's
What is it?
"A Last Name."
Thats What They Said....
"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." Howard Aiken
"Life is moderately good play with a badly written third act." Truman Capote
"He who stops being better stops being good." Oliver Cromwell
"Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone." Rodney Dangerfield
"Crime is the soul of lust. What would pleasure be if it were not accompanied by crime? It is not the object of debauchery that excites us, rather the idea of evil." Marquis de Sade
"Good management is the art of making problems so interesting and their solutions so constructive that everyone wants to get to work and deal with them." Paul Hawken
Reindeer at Bar
One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."
Silent Treatment
Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning drive with some pals to go golfing.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the 'war'), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am."
The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends had left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It's 5:00 am. Wake up."
Men simply are not equipped for these kinds of contests
Coincidence
YEAR: 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
YEAR: 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope died.
In the future, if Prince Charles decides to remarry, somebody please warn the Pope!
Personalised Plates
These are purported to be real personalized license plates for cars in the United States.
WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover
2QT4U - 2 Cute for you
TUSKY - To ski
TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror. This guy fooled the Ontario authorities.
4MYEGO - On a Porsche.
BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.
BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.
ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches using methods developed by Carl Orff.
SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.
IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was in charge of discipline.
GGR OOM - On a Horse Grooming Company car.
PN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.
6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate
JUNK - On a 1993 GMC (jimmy). On a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.
ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.
WUF WUF - On a Brown Rover
2QT4U - 2 Cute for you
TUSKY - To ski
TIHS O - This one that works in the rear view mirror. This guy fooled the Ontario authorities.
4MYEGO - On a Porsche.
BSSCLRNT - On a professional bass clarinetist' car.
BANDLADY - On a high school band teacher's car.
ORFFAN - On a car of music educator, who teaches using methods developed by Carl Orff.
SEWBIZ - On the car owned by a sewing machine dealership.
IDUNTOLU - Seen on a school principal's car. He was in charge of discipline.
GGR OOM - On a Horse Grooming Company car.
PN DCTR - On acupuncturist's car.
6UL DV8 - Sexual Deviate
JUNK - On a 1993 GMC (jimmy). On a recycler of junk metals in Maryland.
ML8ML8 - I'm late, I'm late {for a very important date}, On a white Volkswagen Rabbit.
Produce Shopping
I was examining cantaloupes at the grocery store and turned to the produce clerk, who was refilling the bins.
"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."
"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."
"Choosing a cantaloupe is like picking a mate for marriage," I observed casually. "A person has no idea what he's getting until it's too late."
"I know," he replied. "I've had three cantaloupes."
True Southern Gal
A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read,
'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale'.
The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, just let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries." A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, "In that case, let it read,
'Billy Bob died - Red truck for sale'.
Strange Lawyer
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."
That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark:
"That's Strange!"
Did You Know....? - Crazy Collections
Brenda Matthews from Sussex has a collection not to be sneezed at - 2000 handkerchiefs.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Pythonian Deductive Reasoning
Pythonian Deductive Reasoning: A form of deductive reasoning patterned after the witch burning scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
Example: Using Pythonian Deductive Reasoning we can establish:
Since it's warmer in Boston than Phoenix, it's Winter.
Something is changing nature's patterns.
Witches practice in meddling in nature.
Therefore, witches are causing the warm weather in Boston.
Music Piracy Endorsement
Douglas C. Merrill, former Google CIO and former EMI President of Digital Business, just gave a keynote speech at the CA Expo in Sydney, Australia, where he revealed that Limewire (R.I.P.) users were some of the biggest iTunes customers.
Merrill said that “going to sue customers for file sharing is like trying to sell soap by throwing dirt on your customers,” and that file sharing is less like theft than try-before-you-buy marketing that the music industry doesn’t even have to pay for.
Merrill thinks the RIAA needs to concentrate on making better music, instead of blaming “those dirty file-sharing guys.”
Apple Store Challenge
My Damn Channel’s Mark Malkoff decided to test the limits of what the Apple Store will allow a customer to get away with.
Malkoff’s pranks included ordering a pizza, staging a romantic date, getting his iPhone repaired as Darth Vader, and bringing in a goat.
Everything goes as Steve Jobs predicted when he said, “It just works!”
Tucker & Dale Vs Evil
Grossout red band trailer for Tucker & Dale vs. Evil, a hillbilly horror-comedy starring Alan Tudyk (Firefly, Dollhouse) and Tyler Labine (Reaper).
Tudyk and Labine play the titular Tucker & Dale, a couple of helpful country boys who (through no fault of their own) look like slasher-flick bad guys to some vacationing college students. Hilarity ensues!
Tucker & Dale vs. Evil hits On Demand August 26, and theaters September 20th.
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