Choose Wisely
Poetry
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.
One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!
One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.
I pray for a woman who’s very cheap.
One who’s sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she’s mostly wrong.
One who sucks and doesn’t speak.
And promises to do so at least once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
’cause one like that would come in pretty handy.
Opens her legs and lies on the floor,
and once I’m done, she wants no more.
Oh, send me a woman who will not play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that’s a LOT from behind!
One who’ll screw till my body’s a twitchin’
and brings me a beer when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she’ll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can’t wait,
so I’ll screw all the rest ’cause it’s never too late.
Life's Darned Rules
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Life's Zany Rules
* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Life's Wacky Rules
* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Life's Crazy Rules
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references
* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references
Sociology
In my sociology class, we were instructed to write down answers to some questions the teacher was asking.
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
"Next question," announced the instructor. "How would you like to be seen by the opposite sex?"
I was thinking about my answer when the young woman next to me turned and asked, "How do you spell 'intellectual?'"
Off to School
A wealthy New York businessman who sent his two daughters to the University of California's Los Angeles campus in the hope that they would find something unusual to study there that would stir them out their apathy. He was considerably alarmed, however, when they wrote back to tell him that they both had decided to specialize in research on ancient Egyptian plumbing.
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"
He immediately sent them a telegram which read, "Under no circumstances will I support a couple of Pharaoh Faucet Majors!"
Confused
After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
His responding gestures were very confusing. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.
"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"
Collective Nouns for Doctors
A Supporting Cast of Orthopedists
A Hive of Allergists
A Press of Dental Hygienists
A Carvery of Surgeons
A Golf-cart of Private-physicians
A Growth of Oncologists
A Vision of Optometrists
An Insanity of Psychologists
A Hive of Allergists
A Press of Dental Hygienists
A Carvery of Surgeons
A Golf-cart of Private-physicians
A Growth of Oncologists
A Vision of Optometrists
An Insanity of Psychologists
Did You Know....? - What a Coincidence
The Allied preparations for D-Day in 1944 were nearly wrecked by the Daily Telegraph crossword. The code name for D-Day was "Operation Overlord" and each stage had its individual code name. Neptune was the naval initiative, Omaha and Utah were the code names for two French beaches where landings were to take place, and Mulberry was the secret name for the artificial harbors to be used for supplies. Just over a month before the planned invasion date, these answers began to appear as answers in the Telegraph crossword puzzle. Finally on 2 June - just four days prior to D-Day - "Overlord" appeared as an answer. Security forces descended on the Telegraph office expecting to find a German spy. Instead they found bewildered school teacher Leonard Dawe, the man who had compiled the paper's crosswords for 20 years. The fact that the answers to five of his clues had matched the carefully guarded code names had been pure coincidence
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - W.O.S
W.O.S.: the acronym for walk of shame, which means going to work in the clothes you were wearing the following day due to excessive partying and/or sleeping somewhere you didn't expect.
Example: See above pic
Psychics Prediction
Jennifer visited a psychic of some local repute.
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Jennifer stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose
herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"
Amish Carriage
While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do Not step in exhaust."
Jury Selection
The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. John was called for his question session.
"Property holder?"
"Yes, I am, Your Honor."
"Married or single?"
"Married for years, Your Honor."
"Formed or expressed an opinion?"
"Not in many years, Your Honor."
5th Graders
About 90 fifth-graders piled into the airliner I was flying, on their way home from a school trip. Once we were in the air, and the crew began serving drinks, I could hear them pleading with the children to settle down and let the other passengers get some sleep.
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
No amount of reasoning seemed to help, until I thought of the solution that actually worked. I picked up the PA mike in the cockpit and announced, "Children, this is the captain speaking. Don't make me stop this airplane and come back there!"
Under the Sea
A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the comments. Here are some of them -- the funny ones. The kids were all aged between 5 and 8 years...
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)
I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an a**hole on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)
On holiday my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7 )
Things You May Hear Just Before Downsizing
-- I don't know what we'll do without you, but we are certainly going to try!
-- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.
-- Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
-- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!
-- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
-- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
-- We told everyone you are leaving because of illness. The truth is, I'm sick of you.
-- Its not that you aren't a responsible worker. In fact, you've been responsible for more disasters than any one else in the place.
-- Today I'm going to mix business and pleasure. You're fired!
-- I've got good news for you. You won't have to worry about being late for work 'ever again'.
-- Tell me - how long have you been with us not counting tomorrow?
Personnel
The personnel office received an email requesting a listing of the department staff broken down by age and sex. The personnel office sent this reply...
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
"Attached is a list of our staff. We currently have no one broken down by age or sex. However, we have a few alcoholics."
Blonde & Library
Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"
Danger of Typos
A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana. Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and sent a short E-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address, which began with JennJohn.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the E-mail ended up going to and address that began with JeanJohn, a Jean Johnson in Duluth, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away and was buried that day. The preacher's wife took one look at the E-mail and promptly fainted.
It read, "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!"
Top 10 Lies Told By Grad Students
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article/chapter.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
4. I just have to read one more book and then I'll start writing my thesis
3. The department is giving me so much support.
2. My job prospects look really good.
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
New York
I love New York City; I've got a gun. - Charles Barkley
New York ... is a city of geometric heights, a petrified desert of grids and lattices, an inferno of greenish abstraction under a flat sky, a real Metropolis from which man is absent by his very accumulation. - Roland Barthes
New York is a sucked orange. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Not only is New York City the nation's melting pot, it is also the casserole, the chafing dish and the charcoal grill. - John V Lindsay, Mayor of NYC, NY Times 10 Nov 66
A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. - Mignon McLaughlin
New York, the nation's thyroid gland. - Christopher Morley
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified. - Anita Weiss
New York ... is a city of geometric heights, a petrified desert of grids and lattices, an inferno of greenish abstraction under a flat sky, a real Metropolis from which man is absent by his very accumulation. - Roland Barthes
New York is a sucked orange. - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Not only is New York City the nation's melting pot, it is also the casserole, the chafing dish and the charcoal grill. - John V Lindsay, Mayor of NYC, NY Times 10 Nov 66
A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. - Mignon McLaughlin
New York, the nation's thyroid gland. - Christopher Morley
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid and New York was the only place where my fears were justified. - Anita Weiss
Did You Know....? - From Here to Maternity
In 1994, an Italian woman gave birth to a boy at the age of 61
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Elefeint
Elefeint: To pretend to try to stop the elevator door from closing as someone is rushing to get on.
Example: She called out for me to hold the door, and I did a nice job of elefeinting.
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