Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town's fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, "Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out."
The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.
"You've got to be kidding," Felix replied in astonishment. "People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?"
"Well," said the chief, "the first thing I ask is, 'Is it on fire?'"
A man is driving down the highway and passes a state motorcycle officer.
The officer notices the man and also sees that he has 4 penguins in the backseat of the car. The officer chases down the car and pulls the man over, and after a short inspection of the vehicle says to the driver "what are you doing with 4 penguins in your car?"
To which the man replies "Just taking them for a ride officer."
Visibly upset, the cop instructs the man to take the penguins to the zoo.
The next day the same man is driving down the same highway and is spotted by the same motorcycle cop. Again the cop gives chase and pulls the car over and upon inspection sees the same 4 penguins in the backseat only this time the penguins are wearing bright colored swim trunks and sun glasses.
The cop, really ticked off this time, says, "I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo yesterday"
The man smiles and replies, "I did! They liked that so much that today I decided to take them to the beach!"
Nanatechnology: the effect of design completion by banana gas - usually manifested as ripening, but in this case applied to slightly broken things kept in a drawer for months in the hope that they will work again when you take them out next year sometime. Batteries and floppy disks are examples of things you'd put in a drawer instead of throwing away when they don't work.
Example: Most of us who are into technology in the slightest have probably gone down the road of pretending this idea is baked.
Most of us have put broken items, flat batteries, non-working floppy discs etc. into a certain drawer we have. Where, along with all the other mixed up items, coaxial ethernet cards, pocket lasers that never get used, business cards, ancient CD-Roms and whatever else, miraculously the battery emerges many months later with a few minutes of life / the floppy is readable for long enough to rescue.
Goodness knows how this actually works - scientists currently think that it works by a kind of encoding based around the order and constituency of socks that have passed through the vortex, powered by a sort of cold fusion dissemination, using ball point pens as fuel. Or something.
Well, why not have an actual drawer with actual analytical powers, and hopefully the next step - resurrection powers. This could be achieved using nanatechnology. This is a form of technology that uses banana gas, to form catalytic actions based on the eventual outcome of the planned pattern of progress and design in an item.
Usually, this manifests itself in ripening - here, in our healing drawer however, it results in things 'getting better' in such a way that we all magically hope it would in any ordinary passive drawer.
That it does in ordinary drawers, to some extent, could be explained by the likelihood that you, or someone in your street, has had some bananas around at some point during the object's hibernation in your drawer.
An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.
For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.
He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.
As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. They fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.
The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.
On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?"
"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher.
Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry." said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
These are real APTRONYMS...
names that match the occupations.
Ray Ferrie is a retired ferryboat captain.
Linda Toot was the principal flute and William Basson was the bassoonist in the Milwaukee Symphony Orchestra.
The current Florida Bar directory lists eight lawyers whose surname is "Law." They outnumber the Justices, of whom only four are listed. One Just. One Juster. Two Judges, neither of whom is a judge. One Council, but no Counsel.
Miss Cashdollar was the treasurer of a grade school.
Mr. Sues is a lawyer.
A soldier was spotted at a San Francisco military base with the nametag "Mankiller."
The 2001-2 Membership and Referral Directory of the American Urology Association includes 9 Dr. Peters, 11 Dr. Wang, 4 Dr. Wiener, 4 Dr. Cox, 1 Dr. Dick, 3 Dr. Philpott, 1 Dr. Urich, 1 Dr. John Thomas and 1 Dr. Insoft
Richard Seed is a pioneer of reproductive technology.
Cardinal Jaime Sin is former head of the Catholic Church in the Philippines.
Prof. Martin Braine is an American cognitive psychologist.
Prof. John Wisdom is an American philosopher.
Dr. Mishe Feinmesser (which means knife), is an Israeli surgeon.
Dr. Fingers is a well-know gynecologist in Australia.
Lake Speed is a NASCAR driver.
Dr. Dick Bone is an osteopath.
Patricia Feral is an animal rights activist in Stamford, CT.
A guy name Hooker runs a bait shop.
George Hammer used to own a hardware store in Louisville, KY. His son, Pete Hammer, now owns it.
The expert on deformed frogs (a problem in Minnesota) is Professor Hoppe of Southwest University of Minnesota.
In Maine, there is a veterinarian named Dr. Beever and a physician named Dr. DeKay.
Bruce Payne and David Swett are authors.
There is a law firm in California called Payne & Fears who represent employers in employment litigation.
At the British Guards Depot, the chief medical officer was a Captain Blood, his assistant was Lieutenant Butcher; the Dental Officer was a Major Savage.
Dr. I. Doctor, Eye Doctor, is an ophthalmologist.
There's a used car dealership was owned by Karl Krook.
At the Oscar Mayer plant in Madison, WI, the FED meat inspector is named Mr. Carrion.
Dr. Metzger is an orthopedic surgeon. The name translated from German means "butcher."
Jared Wooley raises sheep and Dr. Bone is an orthopedist in Buffalo, NY. Back in the '70s there were two urologists in Rochester, NY named Dr. Cocky and Dr. Wee.
Dr. David Toothaker is a dentist in Arkansas.
There is also a Dr. Coffin, Dr. Fearing, Dr. Sorrow, Dr. Pray and Dr. Death (pronounced Deeth) who should probably change his name or his profession.
And not to be outdone by Yanks, Bracebridge, Ontario, Canada, boasts of an optometrist named Gord Looker, an electrician named Bruce Sparks, a heating contractor named Mr. Freeze, a sawmill operator named Jordan Plank, and Jim Crook manages the local penitentiary while his assistant is Susan Penwarden.
Dr. Tom Fillar is a dentist.
Sir Russell Brain is a famous English neurologist.
A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch. - James A. Beard
The food in Yugoslavia is fine if you like pork tartare. - Ed Begley, Jr.
Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me. - Sarah Bernhardt
Tell me what you eat, and I will tell you what you are. - Anthelme Brillat-Savarin
Tomatoes and oregano make it Italian; wine and tarragon make it French. Sour cream makes it Russian; lemon and cinnamon make it Greek. Soy sauce makes it Chinese; garlic makes it good. - Alice May Brock
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. - Jim Davis (Garfield)
Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs. - Dwight D. Eisenhower
English Golfer Roger Wethered missed out on winning the 1921 British Open when he incurred a penalty for accidentally treading on his ball. The additional stroke put Wethered in a play-off which he lost.
For every question you answer “Yes” subtract one point from 100. The remainder is your Facebook Purity.
Do you have a Facebook account?
Did you join in 2004-2005?
Do you remember being annoyed when Facebook started allowing high school students?
Click on your profile picture to see all your old profile pictures. Are there more than 20 of them?
More than 40 profile pictures?
Do you have more than 1,000 friends?
Have you ever compared your friend count to someone else’s?
Do you “Friend” people immediately after meeting them, even if you’re unlikely to ever meet again?
Do you accept Friend Requests from anyone who has “mutual friends” with you, even if you don’t know who that person is?
Do you accept friend requests, regardless of the existence of “mutual friends?”
Do you ever friend someone yourself because you’ve noticed that you have mutual friends?
Do you have a Facebook “Page,” in addition to a Facebook profile?
Have you ever asked or encouraged your friends to become “Fans” of your Facebook Page?
Have you ever been in a relationship on Facebook?
Have you been in an “It’s Complicated” relationship on Facebook?
Are you currently in a fake relationship or marriage on Facebook?
Have you ever broken up with someone by simply changing your Facebook relationship status?
Have you ever announced a major life event by changing your Facebook Information (changing your status to “engaged,” changing your status to “divorced,” changing your gender, etc.)?
Are you trying to mask your sexuality by not answering the “Interested In” question on your profile?
Do you hide the year of your birth on Facebook in an attempt to look older/younger?
Have you ever unfriended an ex on Facebook?
Have you ever unfriended an ex’s friends on Facebook?
Have you ever friended an ex’s new significant other on Facebook?
Have you ever looked up an ex’s new significant other on Facebook and gotten disproportionately enraged that his/her privacy settings are set to super high so you can’t see their pictures?
Do you use Facebook to look up exes and try to determine whether or not you’re better off without them?
Have you ever deleted your Facebook account in frustration or protestation, only to eventually reactivate it later?
Have you ever been the administrator of a private Facebook group based on an inside joke?
Have you ever been the administrator of a public Facebook group that gained 5,000 or more members?
Are you a creator or administrator of “I Flip My Pillow Over To Get To The Cold Side,” “I Will Go Slightly Out Of My Way To Step On That Crunchy-Looking Leaf,” or “I Don’t Care How Comfortable Crocs Are, You Look Like A Dumbass”?
Have you ever been in a Facebook group to protest a new Facebook feature or update?
Have you ever poked someone?
Have you ever engaged in a “poking war”?
Have you engaged in a poking war in the last year?
Do you write on everyone’s wall for their birthday, even if you don’t actually know/talk to that person in real life?
Have you ever done anything to artificially inflate the amount of birthday messages on your own wall?
Have you ever, in the history of your Facebook account, purchased a Facebook gift to send someone?
Have you ever, in the history of your account, purchased a Facebook gift to send to yourself anonymously?
Have you ever written something inane on someone else’s wall, just to “mark your territory”?
Have you ever asked a friend to write something specific on your wall, in the hopes of someone else seeing it?
Have you ever tried to search for someone, but accidentally typed their name into your status instead of the search box?
Do you have over 1,000 photos of you tagged?
Are most of these photos ones you’ve uploaded yourself?
Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re clearly intoxicated?
Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re doing something illegal?
Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook in which you’re not wearing clothes?
Are there any pictures tagged of you on Facebook with an ex?
Are there any pictures of you on Facebook, not tagged, that would cause serious damage to your career or reputation were they to come to light?
Have you ever knowingly uploaded or tagged an unflattering picture of someone?
Have you ever been caught cheating or flirting thanks to Facebook?
Are you ever more excited about uploading a vacation album than you are about going on the actual vacation?
Have you ever knowingly uploaded pictures of yourself tagged with someone attractive because it sort of looks like you might be dating?
Have you ever looked through the entire “See Friendship” archive of two people, neither of whom were you?
Have you ever looked through every single photo of a crush, high school sweetheart, or one night stand?
Have you ever looked through every single photo of someone you’ve never even met?
Have you ever eagerly looked through the vacation or wedding albums of someone you don’t really know?
Do you have anyone who’s Facebook friendship is extremely valuable to you, based solely on the fact that their pictures, statuses, or general disarray of their life gives you endless voyeuristic pleasure?
Do you regularly update your Facebook status?
Have you ever put anything about an illness, personal problem, fight, or sexual proclivity in your Facebook status?
Have you ever uploaded a sonogram?
Have you ever gotten into a heated political argument with an acquaintance on Facebook?
Have you ever deleted a Facebook Status or post because there weren’t enough “likes” on it?
Have you ever “liked” someone’s picture as a way of flirting with them?
Have you ever accidentally “liked” someone else’s post, and then clicked “unlike?”
Have you ever unfriended someone in a moment of passion, and then embarrassingly had to re-friend them?
Have you ever stalked your friends’ little sister/brother’s Facebook page cause they’re actually really hot?
Have you ever pulled up someone’s picture for nefarious sexual purposes?
Have you ever downloaded someone’s Facebook picture onto your computer?
Have you ever taken someone’s private Facebook pictures and forwarded or sent them to third parties?
Have you updated your Facebook “Interests” in the last two years?
Have you ever played “Farmville”?
Do you ever use Facebook Chat?
Have you ever created a second, or a fake Facebook account?
Have you ever used Facebook to cheat on a significant other?
Have you ever created a fake Facebook account to make a significant other jealous? (By writing on your wall, etc.)
Have you ever gone through your Facebook Friends with a friend, pointing out everyone you’ve slept with?
Have you ever seen anyone in your newsfeed and had absolutely no idea who it is?
Have you ever logged into someone else’s Facebook account without them knowing?
Have you ever noticed that the person who used a public computer right before you left themselves logged in, and taken the opportunity to take a quick gander at their messages/pictures before logging them out again?
Have you ever left your Facebook logged in on a shared computer and been terrified about what someone could find?
Have you ever changed or altered someone’s Facebook profile (their status, their stats, their “Interested In,” etc.?)
Are you friends with your parents on Facebook?
Are you friends with your parents on Facebook, but only with restricted access?
Have you ever had to sit your mom down and have a talk about what she writes on your wall?
Do you spend much time looking at that girl from high school’s crazy Facebook page because she’s so different and you just can’t believe how she turned out?
Do you have reason to suspect you are indeed “that girl”?
Have you ever done a “Facebook Friend Purge”?
Have you announced said purge in your status before actually doing it?
Have you ever RSVP’d for a Facebook Event you weren’t actually invited to?
Have you ever made a Facebook event and hidden the guest list to save embarrassment in case no one RSVP’d?
Have you ever clicked through the RSVPs on a Facebook event to see if any cute/hot/available people were going, before deciding whether you yourself would go or not?
Have you ever been guilty of creating a Facebook event, inviting every single one of your friends, and then bombarding them with multiple “reminder” messages?
Have you ever tried to use Facebook to pick someone up?
Have you ever successfully used Facebook to pick someone up?
Have you ever accidentally clicked on a virus while stalking someone else’s profile, only to have “Click Here For Disgusting Hot Girls” show up on your own wall?
Have you ever had to pretend you didn’t know something about someone, when in fact you’d seen it on Facebook during a late-night stalking session?
Have you fallen for one of those “Click Here To See Who Reads Your Profile” links?
If Facebook were to develop (or make public) technology that allows everyone to see exactly who has been looking at their profile, would the results be hugely, hugely damning for you?
Do you greatly mistrust people who aren’t on Facebook?
Did you actually just answer 100 questions in order to figure out your Facebook purity? You’re a little less pure, now.
100-90% pure: You were born before 1970.
89-80% pure: You use Facebook for the games, or to post that really interesting article you naively think other people will care about.
79-70% pure: You friend people and accept friend requests pretty frequently, and will sign on if you have a new notification. Sometimes you will use it to procrastinate, but you otherwise would rather spend your time elsewhere.
69-60% pure: You think Facebook is a great “networking tool.” You friend most everyone you meet, and have definitely spent the odd night looking up people you used to know.
59-50% pure: You post albums, read your newsfeed when you’re bored, and will spend a good amount of time on the profiles of people who are important to your life.
49-40% pure: You post albums, read your newsfeed obsessively, and will spend a good amount of time on the profiles of people who have absolutely no bearing on your life. You use a variety of Facebook features, including games, quizzes, photo uploading, group management, etc. You user your Facebook Status as a pseudo-blog and frequently broadcast details of your life.
39-30% pure: You’ve considered giving up Facebook because you’re mildly perturbed by the amount of time you’ve spent getting sucked into the albums of people you went to high school with. You console yourself with the notion that “surely everyone stalks people on Facebook?”
29-20% pure: You don’t really talk to other people about how much time you spend on Facebook. You look people up the second you meet them, or even hear about them. You’ve figured out how to find and access the pictures of people you aren’t even friends with. You wonder if Facebook actually does you mental harm, because you’ve gotten depressed while stalking mutual acquaintences and exes. You hope your life looks as fun and happy on Facebook as other people’s lives seem to.
19-10% pure: You don’t understand how people lived without Facebook. You use it as a tool to find out information and disseminate information about yourself. You get excited for Wedding and Vacation albums that you know are coming but haven’t even been posted yet. You carefully curate your own Facebook page, and your favorite part of your birthday is seeing all your Facebook greetings, which you count, and compare to how many your friends got. You believe everyone on Facebook is fair game.
9%-0% pure: You logged on to Facebook in the Summer of 2004 and have not signed off since.