Spooge's Spit Up - Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment)

n A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed)

n What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q)

n You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks)

n Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope)

n Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer)

n An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da)

n A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee)

n The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz)

v To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list)

n What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er)

n Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again.

See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor)

n Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth)

n You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik)

n On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park)

v/n Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens)

n The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children.

Spooge's Spit Up - Character

Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open.

Elmer G. Letterman

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents.

Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends.

Japanese Proverb

To succeed is nothing, it's an accident. but to feel no doubts about oneself is something very different: it is character.

Marie Leneru, Oprah Magazine, May 2004

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.

Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

Spooge's Spit Up - Detention Letter

OMG!!! What is the world coming to?

Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Winged Wonders

Whereas eagles can go without food for several days, the tiny goldcrest needs to eat all day long in the winter just to have enough energy to survive the nights.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Drinkish

Origin: Pub Slang

Definition: To be somewhat drunk, or buzzed.

Example: We went to the party and got drinkish enough to kiss each other publicly.

Spooge's Spit Up - Epic Bill Gates Email Rant

Sometimes, software isn't so magical. Even for Bill Gates.

Read on past the jump for Gates in the role of chief rabble-rouser. (Original document: PDF, 5 pages.) It shows that even the Microsoft co-founder -- who champions the "magic of software" -- isn't immune to the frustrations of everyday computer users. Keep in mind that this was more than five years ago, so it doesn't necessarily reflect the specific state of things now. At the bottom, see what Gates said when I asked him about the message last week.

---- Original Message ----
From: Bill Gates
Sent: Wednesday, January 15, 2003 10:05 AM
To: Jim Allchin
Cc: Chris Jones (WINDOWS); Bharat Shah (NT); Joe Peterson; Will Poole; Brian Valentine; Anoop Gupta (RESEARCH)
Subject: Windows Usability Systematic degradation flame

I am quite disappointed at how Windows Usability has been going backwards and the program management groups don't drive usability issues.

Let me give you my experience from yesterday.

I decided to download (Moviemaker) and buy the Digital Plus pack ... so I went to Microsoft.com. They have a download place so I went there.

The first 5 times I used the site it timed out while trying to bring up the download page. Then after an 8 second delay I got it to come up.

This site is so slow it is unusable.

It wasn't in the top 5 so I expanded the other 45.

These 45 names are totally confusing. These names make stuff like: C:\Documents and Settings\billg\My Documents\My Pictures seem clear.

They are not filtered by the system ... and so many of the things are strange.

I tried scoping to Media stuff. Still no moviemaker. I typed in movie. Nothing. I typed in movie maker. Nothing.

So I gave up and sent mail to Amir saying - where is this Moviemaker download? Does it exist?

So they told me that using the download page to download something was not something they anticipated.

They told me to go to the main page search button and type movie maker (not moviemaker!).

I tried that. The site was pathetically slow but after 6 seconds of waiting up it came.

I thought for sure now I would see a button to just go do the download.

In fact it is more like a puzzle that you get to solve. It told me to go to Windows Update and do a bunch of incantations.

This struck me as completely odd. Why should I have to go somewhere else and do a scan to download moviemaker?

So I went to Windows update. Windows Update decides I need to download a bunch of controls. (Not) just once but multiple times where I get to see weird dialog boxes.

Doesn't Windows update know some key to talk to Windows?

Then I did the scan. This took quite some time and I was told it was critical for me to download 17megs of stuff.

This is after I was told we were doing delta patches to things but instead just to get 6 things that are labeled in the SCARIEST possible way I had to download 17meg.

So I did the download. That part was fast. Then it wanted to do an install. This took 6 minutes and the machine was so slow I couldn't use it for anything else during this time.

What the heck is going on during those 6 minutes? That is crazy. This is after the download was finished.

Then it told me to reboot my machine. Why should I do that? I reboot every night -- why should I reboot at that time?

So I did the reboot because it INSISTED on it. Of course that meant completely getting rid of all my Outlook state.

So I got back up and running and went to Windows Update again. I forgot why I was in Windows Update at all since all I wanted was to get Moviemaker.

So I went back to Microsoft.com and looked at the instructions. I have to click on a folder called WindowsXP. Why should I do that? Windows Update knows I am on Windows XP.

What does it mean to have to click on that folder? So I get a bunch of confusing stuff but sure enough one of them is Moviemaker.

So I do the download. The download is fast but the Install takes many minutes. Amazing how slow this thing is.

At some point I get told I need to go get Windows Media Series 9 to download.

So I decide I will go do that. This time I get dialogs saying things like "Open" or "Save". No guidance in the instructions which to do. I have no clue which to do.

The download is fast and the install takes 7 minutes for this thing.

So now I think I am going to have Moviemaker. I go to my add/remove programs place to make sure it is there.

It is not there.

What is there? The following garbage is there. Microsoft Autoupdate Exclusive test package, Microsoft Autoupdate Reboot test package, Microsoft Autoupdate testpackage1. Microsoft AUtoupdate testpackage2, Microsoft Autoupdate Test package3.

Someone decided to trash the one part of Windows that was usable? The file system is no longer usable. The registry is not usable. This program listing was one sane place but now it is all crapped up.

But that is just the start of the crap. Later I have listed things like Windows XP Hotfix see Q329048 for more information. What is Q329048? Why are these series of patches listed here? Some of the patches just things like Q810655 instead of saying see Q329048 for more information.

What an absolute mess.

Moviemaker is just not there at all.

So I give up on Moviemaker and decide to download the Digital Plus Package.

I get told I need to go enter a bunch of information about myself.

I enter it all in and because it decides I have mistyped something I have to try again. Of course it has cleared out most of what I typed.

I try (typing) the right stuff in 5 times and it just keeps clearing things out for me to type them in again.

So after more than an hour of craziness and making my programs list garbage and being scared and seeing that Microsoft.com is a terrible website I haven't run Moviemaker and I haven't got the plus package.

The lack of attention to usability represented by these experiences blows my mind. I thought we had reached a low with Windows Network places or the messages I get when I try to use 802.11. (don't you just love that root certificate message?)

When I really get to use the stuff I am sure I will have more feedback.

When Gates was showed a printout of the e-mail, Gates smiled and said, "There's not a day that I don't send a piece of e-mail ... like that piece of e-mail. That's my job."

Spooge's Spit Up - Attack of the Killer Dust Bunnies

You’ve been using your computer for years, and up until today, you never had to open it. You don’t know much about computers anyways, so if everything seems to be working fine, why would you bother? But this morning, after unsuccessfully trying to power it on, you decide to drag your computer from its comfy looking spot under your desk. You unscrew the side panel, and a vision of horror jumps at you.

Little did you know that furry little creatures called dust bunnies like to get into your systems at night. They usually are very insidious, so you often won’t notice them until it’s too late.

The moral of this story? Everyone should open their computer case from time to time. A little bit of compressed air in there each 2-3 months can’t really hurt now, can it?

Thanks to Geeks are Sexy (see Blog List for Updates to this Site)

Spooge's Spit Up - I Haven't Done This Before

Quasi's Fun Vids - Why Women Really Buy Catalogues

Spooge's Spit Up - Mistranslations

Here are some interesting mistranslations:

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here & spend the afternoon having a good time.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency:
Take one of our horse driven tours---we guarantee no miscarriages.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

A temple in Bangkok:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

In a Bangkok cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

In a hotel in Yugoslavia:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

Spooge's Spit Up - Things to Ponder

Why doesn't a chicken egg taste like chicken?

Why is it that cargo is transported by ship while a shipment is transported by car?

Does peanut butter really have butter in it?

Do mimes watch silent movies?

Is the fear of flying groundless?

What would you use to dilute water?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling Movie! Movie!?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?

If so, how could you treat them?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Skippy & Co.

Kangaroos and emus can't walk backwards, which is why they feature on the Australian coat of arms.

A Kangaroo can't jump unless its tail is touching the ground.
The tail provides the necessary leverage for take-off.

Red Kangaroos are just an inch long at birth.

Kangaroo rats never drink water. They carry their own water source with them, producing fluids from the food they eat and the air they breathe.

Kangaroos are superb swimmers and have been found swimming a mile off the shore of Australia.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Well, Then...

Origin: Unknown

Definition: putting the problem back on the person with whom you are fighting. It is especially useful for those people living with either a roommate or significant other.

Example: Tom: I hate it when you finish all of the cereal and then put the empty box back in the cupboard.
Sally: Well, then... | Sally: You never take me out anymore, and I'm tired of spending my Friday nights at home.
Tom: Well, then...

Spooge's Spit Up - The Secret Life of Power Lines

Spooge's Spit Up - Stop Mugabe

Sneaky's Dail Did You Know....? - Food for Thought

The largest item on any menu in the world is probably roast camel, a dish sometimes served at Bedouin wedding feasts. The camel is served with a sheep's carcass, which is stuffed with chickens, which are stuffed with fish, which are stuffed with eggs.

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - OB

Origin: Office Slang

Definition: Office Bitch: Unliked office workers. Not intended to be derogatory towards women.
Usually used by nonoffice workers suh as warehouse workers

Example: Those OBs messed up and are making us look bad.

Spooge's Spit Up - Smokers

Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Dearly Departed

Following his execution, Charles I's head was sewn back onto his body so that his family could pay their last respects. His neck bone was later stolen from the tomb by royal physician Sir Henry Halford who used it as a salt cellar!

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - PixelMonkey

Origin: Geek Speak

Definition: Someone who does menial graphics work, such as creating buttons for web pages.

Example: Look at Joe, doing another cut-out in photoshop. Pixelmonkey

Spooge's Spit Up - Happiness Quotes

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
(Charles Lamb)

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
(Sam Goldwyn)

Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
(Spike Milligan)

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
(Henny Youngman)

There are three easy ways of losing money - racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.
(Lord Amherst)

My formula for success is rise early, work late, and strike oil.
(Paul Getty)

Women prefer men who have something tender about them - especially legal tender.
(Kay Ingram)

Spooge's Spit Up - Bright Signs

How many members of your sign does it take to change a light bulb?

ARIES:
Just one. You want to make something of it?

TAURUS:
One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

GEMINI:
Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep discussing who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!

CANCER:
Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.

LEO:
Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

VIRGO:
Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.

LIBRA:
Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay with you?

SCORPIO:
That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

SAGITTARIUS:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

CAPRICORN:
I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.

AQUARIUS:
Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so....

PISCES:
Light bulb? What light bulb?

Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Made in Britain

Berwick-upon-Tweed was officially at war with Russia for 110 years. As the border town frequently changed hands between England and Scotland over the centuries, it was usually referred to as a separate entity in all State documents.

At the outbreak of the Crimean War, Britain declared war on Russia in the name of Britain, Ireland, Berwick-upon-Tweed and all British Dominions. But when the war ended two years later in 1856, the Paris Peach Treaty omitted Berwick.

So Berwick was technically at war with Russia until 1966 when a Soviet official, made aware of the situation, visited the town to declare peace. The Mayor of Berwick said: "Please tell the Russian people that at last they can sleep peacefully in their beds!"

Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Vernacular of the Vacuous

Origin: Unknown

Definition: Vocabulary used in the practice of pretending like you do not know how to do something.
Generally designed to have a more capable person present take over the entire project. Can be used to great effect around control freaks. i.e. “I don’t have a head for numbers.” “Which end of the hammer do you use?”

Example: It was easier to do all of Kelly’s homework than to listen to her vernacular of the vacuous
about math being hard.

Spooge's Spit Up - Top 10 Most Misleading Pornographic Movie Titles

We want to take a moment to alert the public about some of the most egregious false advertising we've ever seen. We're talking of course about movies we put on our Netflix queue under the assumption they were porn, based on their grossly misleading titles.

What's even more insidious is that each film had scenes and lines of dialog that really got our hopes up that we were about to see some hardcore action. Here are a few of the movies we're naming in our upcoming lawsuit:

10. Anaconda