1. You are used to staying up all night.
Just consider all of that late night partying as endurance training for the first few months (possibly years!) of parenthood.
2. You’re not fazed by everyone staring at your boobs all the time.
They used to look because of your push up bra and tight top. Now they may be looking because you’re leaking milk or because you put Dolly Parton to shame. Whatever the reason, it’s unreasonable to expect eye contact from people.
3. if you don’t have vomit on your clothes, you’re just not having a good time.
At some point early in parenthood you will just give up on the mountain of laundry and wear your various stains like the proud badges of parenthood they are. Similarly, in the old days you had more important things on your mind than a few barf stains, like who finished that bottle of tequila?
4. Now when the front of your shirt is all wet it’s because your boobs are leaking; before, it was because you were entered in a wet t-shirt contest or perhaps you just simply missed your mouth while drinking. Same difference.
And that’s why #2 is critical to your success. Partiers AND parents both know that what other people think about you just isn’t that important. (Remember that next time your baby starts shrieking in a store and you get dirty looks!)
5. Able to perform daily tasks while completely out of it.
Ever try to figure out a bus schedule or not lose anyone on an outing when you are out of it? How about administering first aid or assembling furniture? Well if you’ve done these things while under the influence of alcohol you can certainly do them when you haven’t slept more than 2 hours in 2 weeks.
6. Shrieking cries sound muted after standing in front of speakers at concerts for years.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you – did you say something?
7. A misbehaving toddler is easier to take care of than that lead singer you dated in your twenties.
Selfish, self-centered, high maintenance and prone to dangerous activities. Whether you are taking care of someone who is prone to stage diving or just curious about that electrical outlet in the living room – you need lots of patience and almost a psychic ability in order to predict their next move. Not to mention a willingness to give up all of your own interests so that you can devote yourself to taking care of them full time!
8. It’s not the first time you’ve walked around in public with your t-shirt inside out and backwards and the back of your skirt tucked in to your nylons so you’re not embarrassed when a stranger points it out to you.
Okay, in the old days it was because you were making out with some guy at a house party but then the cops came and you had to make a run for it over the back fence. Now it’s because you were so busy prepping your baby with a hat, booties, two sweaters, a blanket, an extra blanket, diapers, wipes, pacifier, rain cover for the stroller, milk, tissues, and a snack. Oh and you had to take the dog out first and remind your husband to bring the camera… so you completely forgot about yourself. Again.
9. Watching other people’s children suck at piano recitals, dance numbers,sports, and school plays is your way of bringing balance back to the universe after subjecting scads of busy Karaoke bar patrons to your heavy metal rendition of Tiffany’s “I think we’re alone now”.
You’ll think your kid is the only one at the performance with talent; but remember, you also had an inaccurate view of your own talent after about six beers.
10. After using the bathroom at various nightclubs, dives, raves, and outdoor concerts you’re gross-out threshold is unbelievable.
Yes that may actually be poo on your living room floor. You’re not sure how it got there but you know that it’s up to you to clean it up. Oh and while you’re at it, look under your fingernails. Welcome to parenthood!
And most of all.. You’ll know exactly what to look for if you’re wondering if your kid smokes, is drunk, on drugs, having sex or any combination of the above!
