Canadian Parking Fail

This Canadian parking fail is not photoshopped

A man and woman from Ottawa hopped in a cab near Airport Parkway. They had no clue that they were about to live through something you’d see in a GTA 4 crash compilation.

Unfortunately the cause wasn’t a high speed police pursuit, or a chase involving the KGB. Their taxi driver simply had a seizure.

The 36-year-old man driving the taxi had just picked up two people — a 42-year-old woman and a 30-year-old man — on Sawmill Private near the Airport Parkway and Heron Road minutes before the crash. His passengers reported to paramedics that he went into a seizure when he approached Brookfield Road just metres away, slammed his foot down on the gas pedal, and then accelerated onto Junction Avenue.

Since the driver’s foot was smashed on the gas pedal, they did more then give someone’s BMW a little fender bender. The taxi smashed through two trees and slammed the Beamer so hard that it landed on it’s roof. The cab then landed on top with it’s tires still spinning. Neighbors actually thought it was a house fire.

My favorite part of this story is how completely badass these Canadians are.

The woman passenger had cuts on her face but refused to go to the hospital
The male passenger had gashes on his leg but walked it off
A bystander who busted out the car window to help them, was bloody but fine
The owner of the BMW took motherfucking shrapnel to the face when the cab exploded but took it like a boss

The only person who needed a trip to the hospital was the cabby, but that’s probably because he just had a seizure.

Anyone else have this song in their head now?

Keep Calm

Friday Man Babe - Unknown Tattooed Hotties

Jet Pack

Scientists Decode the First Message From an Alien Civilization...

Simply send 6 x 10^50 atoms of hydrogen to the star system at the top of the list, cross off that star system, then put your star system at the bottom of the list and send it to 100 other star systems.

Within one-tenth of a galactic rotation you will receive enough hydrogen to power your civilization until entropy reaches its maximum! IT REALLY WORKS!

What a Night

Gangsta

For Teacher

The teacher walks in and finds an apple on her desk with the letters "ILU" written on it. The teacher asks who left it.

A little white girl raises her hand.

Well sweetie, what does "ILU" mean?

The little girl replies, "I love you."

The teacher says, "Isn't that sweet," and continues with class.

The next day the teacher finds a banana on her desk with the letters "YAS" written on it.

The teacher asks who left and what does it mean.

A little white boy raises his hand and says, "It means, You are special."

"Thank you sweetheart", the teacher says.

The following day, the teacher walks in to find a watermelon with the letters "FUCK" written on it.

The enraged teacher asks who left it and if they know what that means.

A little black girl raises her hand and cheerfully says, "Yes maam, I left it. It means, from us colored kids!".

Finally

Loopholes

On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible "What are you doing?" asked the friend. "Looking for loopholes," replied the lawyer.

Dat Drive

Foot Fetish

The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,

"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"

"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."

Math

Bono

Sex Education

One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.

In the back of the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has two of them".

The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"

Dirty Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters teeth."

Adulthood, a Gift and a Curse

Fun Things to do in an Elevator

When a person in the elevator repeatedly pushes a button (such as "close" or "open") say, "Congratulations, you figured out that if you push the button 20 times, it works quicker"
When the elevator doors shut, assuringly say, "It's ok, they will open up again!"
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "Its a Small World" incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
Meow occasionally.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Stare at another passenger for awhile, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "Is that your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Kindergarten

Friday Funny

Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Did You Know....? - Hard to Fathom

Captive dolphins masturbate regularly, even when females are present.

Dolphins that live in the Amazon are pink.

Apart from Humans, dolphins are the only species which have sex for pleasure.

Slang of the Day - Safety

Safety: An unfinished cigarette that is purposely extinguished so it can be saved and re-lit later on.
Sometimes they will end up saving the day for you (hence the name safety) when you're out of cigs and craving like a madman.

Example: I'm smoked out. I'm makin' a safety.

The Many Deaths of Steve Buscemi

More Than Meets The Time

Mini Game of the Week - Alien Prison Break

Piece of Cake

Numerous Tests

Short and Sweet

Q: What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?

A: It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

Prove Your Age

5 Rules of Alcohol

100

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred.

The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either."

"Well then," said the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Suzy

Old Maids

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.

It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you."

10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12 o'clock...

Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flys open.

In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom.

Betty goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Gladys??"

No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself.

"What is it, Gladys??? What's wrong?" asks Betty.

"Betty, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!!"

Types of People @ Comicon

The Pentagon

The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them.

They called Congress and asked them to vote on a method of determining each General's early retirement bonus.

After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch.

They called in the first General. He decide to have them measure from the top of his head to the bottom of his feet.

Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000.

The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretched his arms above his head, and asked them to measure from the tips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000.

The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom of his balls.

Congress decided to call in a medical officer.

The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants.

The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make the measurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, where are your balls!!"

With a smile the General said, "I left them in Vietnam."

Vodka

Things a True Southerner Knows

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.

When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.

The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

Knows what, “Well I Suwannee !!” means.

Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits !!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don’t come from the store.

When “by and by” is.

How to handle their “pot likker”.

The difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece”.

The differences between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ‘em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy’s pants up.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

Worth a Try

Women

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. [Wendy Liebman]

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. [Erma Bombeck]

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. [Sue Grafton]

I'm not going to vacuum 'till Sears makes one you can ride on. [Roseanne Barr]

I think - therefore I'm single. [Lizz Winstead]

"When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country." [Elayne Boosler]

"Behind every successful man is a surprised woman." [Maryon Pearson]

"I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." [Gilda Radner]

"I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career." [Gloria Steinhem]

"Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry." [Gloria Steinhem]

Arnold is Back

Belated Wednesday De-Motivator

Thursday Advertising - PETA

Did You Know....? - Winged Wonders

The Japanese Phoenix Fowl has been known to grow tail feathers nearly 35ft long.

Slang of the Day - Wafi

Wafi: Wind Assisted Fucking Idiots--nautical term used by skippers of motor boats to describe sailors.

Example: We would have been here sooner but some Wafi had to be rescued.

Evolution of the Backpack

Dad on Facebook

Dictionary for Women

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n.
A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n.
What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n
You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n.
Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n
Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n.
An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n.
A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n.
The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v
To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n.
What you spend ½ an hour writing, then forget to take to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n.
Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n
Similar to a black hole in space -- if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n.
You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breathe...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n
On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n.
Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n.
The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n.
Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n
A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card.

Cheshire Fireman

Character

Personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open. - Elmer G. Letterman

A person reveals his character by nothing so clearly as the joke he resents. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg (1742 - 1799)

When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends. - Japanese Proverb

To succeed is nothing, it's an accident. but to feel no doubts about oneself is something very different: it is character. - Marie Leneru, Oprah Magazine, May 2004

Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's character, give him power. - Abraham Lincoln (1809 - 1865)

Bats

Robin Hood

You've heard the tale of Robin Hood,
And how he did poor people good,
There is more to this Famous story,
Of Sherwood Forest's Pride and Joy
At night when all robbing was done,
The merry men would have some fun,
In fact it would be fair to say,
The Merry men were rather gay.
As Little John starts to unwind,
Robin takes his from behind,
As they frolic in the grass,
Robin rams it up his arse.
One night when they were all at play,
A gorgeous maiden came their way,
She saunter up to Friar Tuck,
And Said "I'm Marion, wanna Fuck?"
Friar couldn't believe his ears,
She is offering sex to all us queers."
While he recovered from his shock,
Robin presented her with his cock.
Marion's clothes were off in a flash,
The 3 merry men all had a bash.
For Marion this was sheer bliss.
As they filled her with ever orifice,
When all was done she gave wine,
"Thank You boys for the lovely time,
"But for your pleasure you must pay,
"I've got the pox, have a nice day."
"Now listen here, "said Friar Tuck.
"We don't really give a fuck,
"The laughs on you, you silly cow,
"We've got AIDS, so who's fucked now."

Quick The Boss is Coming...

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