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There once was a man who could not keep it going with his wife. He went to the doctor who gave him some sex pills. There was a label on the bottle that said ... **Take one pill for a great night** The man thought that he wanted a stupendous night; so he downed the whole bottle.
In the morning the neighbors came over to find the man's son sitting on the porch crying. "What's wrong?" they said.
"Mom's dead, Sister's pregnant, My backside hurts, and Dad's in the basement yelling: Here Kitty Kitty ..."
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. - Robert Benchley
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. - Franklin P. Jones
If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' - Dave Barry
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret
These are actual examples of job search stupidity provided by a friend of ours who’s a professional recruiter. Some of the specifics have been changed to protect the inept, but they’re proof positive that the economy isn’t solely to blame for today’s horrendous employment statistics.
“If I could use one word to describe myself, it would be Team Player.”
“My resume speaks for itself so I will not burden you with words.”
“I have organized and conducted community service and missionary positions.”
“I work an additional 10-15 minutes per week to perform administrative responsibilities promptly and accurately.”
“I am interested in the Financial Analyst position. I currently work at Rusty’s Camper Emporium as the parking attendant.”
“I have attended Champions School of Real Estate, because I am a champion.”
“I can think and act simultaneously under intense pressure.”
“I am known and respected in New York City and surrounding area.”
“Although my grades are not the highest, I possess the ability to grasp difficult concepts rather quickly most of the time.”
“I am looking forward to further discussing my qualifications and how I can be an asset to your company. Please contact me at email@example.com anytime.”
Eccentricity is not, as dull people would have us believe, a form of madness. It is often a kind of innocent pride, and the man of genius and the aristocrat are frequently regarded as eccentrics because genius and aristocrat are entirely unafraid of and uninfluenced by the opinions and vagaries of the crowd. - Edith Sitwell (1887 - 1964), Taken Care Of ,1965
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort. - Herm Albright (1876 - 1944)
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. - James Branch Cabell (1879 - 1958), The Silver Stallion, 1926
The point of living and of being an optimist, is to be foolish enough to believe the best is yet to come. - Peter Ustinov (1921 - 2004)
Getting ahead in a difficult profession requires avid faith in yourself. That is why some people with mediocre talent, but with great inner drive, go much further than people with vastly superior talent. - Sophia Loren (1934 - )
In 1978 ITV sitcom Life Begins At Forty, starring Derek Nimmo and Rosemary Leach, was sold to East Germany - not as comedy, but as part of an adult education initiative to increase the country's birthrate.
Last Saturday, March 26, people and businesses around the world participated in Earth Hour 2011, turning off their lights at 8:30 p.m. local time. Earth Hour was organized by the World Wildlife Fund in 2007, as a way to bring attention to energy-consumption, sustainability, and climate change issues.
This year, participants in 134 countries darkened homes, skyscrapers, and landmarks around the world.
The images (starting with photo number two) are interactive -- click on each image to "turn off the lights" (and, for wider screens, be sure to click the "1280px" option at right.) and can be found here: [25 photo pairs]
A woman from Chelm went to the market one day to buy herring and a loaf of bread. "How much is it?" she asked the storekeeper.
"14 cents," answered the storekeeper to the lady.
"14 cents! For what?" asked the lady.
The storekeeper explained: The herring costs 7 cents, and the loaf of bread costs 7 cents also. So together it comes to 14 cents."
"I know different. To the best of my recollection, 7 and 7 is 11."
"What are your saying?"
"As far as I know, 7 and 7 is 11...I had already had 4 children when my first husband died. When I married a second time, my second husband also had 4 children from his first wife. After getting married, we had 3 children together. So each of us had 7 children, and together we had 11!
Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he heard an ominous rumbling: moments later a sheet of snow came crashing toward him.
Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him and was able to light a fire.
Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a rescue team was sent to search for him.
After several hours they saw smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.
Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled, "Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross."
Bristling, the harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, "Good morning, Father" - "Good morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits-these were so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them-and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine, etc.
After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. "Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela!"