Spooge's Spit Up - Dolce & Gabbana's New Model - Crikey!!!
LORD HAVE MERCY!!!!!
Dolce & Gabbana's New Model
JUST SHARING THE LOVE
You can close your mouth now
You can close your mouth now
You can close your mouth now
Spooge's Spit Up - Guide to Real Estate Terms
To spare others from dashed hopes, shattered dreams, and tired feet, here is a guide to familiar real-estate ad phrases.
Charming - Tiny.
Snow White might fit, but five of the dwarfs would have to find their own place.
See "Cute," "Enchanting," and "Good Starter Home."
Much Potential - Grim.
Steer clear unless you have a lot of money and believe your blind dates really did have nice personalities.
See "Ready to Rehab," and "Fixer Upper."
Unique City Home
Used to be a warehouse.
Hi-Tech/Contemporary
Lots of steel shelving with little holes
the kind your dad used to store tools on in the basement.
Daring Design
Still a warehouse.
Completely Updated
Avocado dishwasher and harvest gold carpeting or vice versa.
Sophisticated
Black walls and no windows.
See "Architect's Delight."
One-Of-A-Kind
Ugly as sin.
Brilliant Concept
Do you really need a two-story live oak in your 30-foot sky dome?
See "Makes Dramatic Statement."
Upper Bracket
If you have to ask . . .
You'll Love It
No, you won't.
Must See To Believe
An absolutely accurate statement.
Spooge's Spit Up - Quotes of the Day
"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office."
Covert Bailey
"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people."
Jim Eason
"A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car."
Carrie Snow
"A waist is a terrible thing to mind."
Ziggy (Tom Wilson)
"I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine."
Rita Rudner
"Those in the cheaper seats clap. The rest of you rattle your jewelry."
John Lennon (1940 - 1980)
"The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other."
Ronald Reagan
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Out of Africa
As a result of the movement of the Earth's Crust, the Pyramids of Egypt have shifted two and a half miles to the south of where they were originally built some 5000 years ago.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Pyrokleptomaniac
Origin: Smokers Slang
Definition: Someone who steals disposable lighters, usually without knowing it--or claiming not to know it.
Example: My boyfriend is a pyrokleptomanic, is yours?
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Fashion Victims
English Dandy Beau Brummel was so petrified of soiling his shoes on the pavement or of having a hair blown out of place that he used to order his sedan chair to be brought inside his house so that he could board it there. Ande he never used to raise his hat to a lady because he was worried that he wouldn't be able to replace it at precisely the same angle.
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Audi
Origin: Unknown
Definition: leaving, often quickly. Possibly a shortened version of the phrase "out of here," or, as typically pronounced, "outta here."
Example: As soon as 5 o'clock comes, I'm audi.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Animal Crackers
Camels can see with their eyes closed. Their eyelids are transparent from the inside. And they have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Waffle
Origin: Unknown
Definition: To hit with a car and leave the waffled imprint of your tire on the animal
Example: Oops, I really waffled that squirrel back there.
Quasi's Movies Trailers - Hillarious 70's Horror Movie Trailers
Man were these ever really meant to be scary???
Spooge's Spit Up - Fun Quotes
Epitaph for a dead waiter - God finally caught his eye.
(George S. Kaufman)
I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
(Eleanor Roosevelt)
Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
(Joseph Heller)
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
(Ed Furgol)
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
(Charles Lamb)
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it is written on.
(Sam Goldwyn)
Spooge's Spit p - Jesus Vs. Elvis
JESUS and ELVIS
Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan?
JESUS was a carpenter.
ELVIS' favorite high school class was wood shop.
JESUS said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
ELVIS said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA 1956)
JESUS was part of the Trinity.
ELVIS' very first band was a trio.
JESUS walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
ELVIS surfed on water. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount:1965)
JESUSS' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members.
ELVIS' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members.
JESUS said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37)
ELVIS said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM:1957)
JESUS said: "Man shall not live by bread alone."
ELVIS liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas.
Mary, an important woman in JESUS' life, had an Immaculate Conception.
Priscilla, an important woman in ELVIS' life, attended Immaculate Conception High School.
JESUS H. CHRIST has 12 letters.
ELVIS PRESLEY has 12 letters.
No one knows what the "H" in "JESUS H. Christ" stood for.
No one was really sure if ELVIS' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron".
JESUS had his famous Resurrection.
ELVIS had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
JESUS lived in a state of grace, in a Near Eastern land.
ELVIS lived in Graceland, in a nearly eastern state.
Coincidence, or Cosmic Plan
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know...? - Stranger than Strange Laws
According to a british law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.
Sneak's Slip N' Slang - Quasipology
Origin: Unknown
Definition: Pretending to apologize to someone, but in reality only justifying the actions you should be apologizing for.
Example: After the meeting, Dave came up to me and started to say he was sorry for shafting my project and lying to the manager about it. But then he just quasipologized instead and said he's had problems like this before, so he has reason to be paranoid and he has to take preemptive measures because I might've done something wrong later. For about five seconds, I thought he'd actually apologized.
Spooge's Spit Up - A Poem To Mum
Boy, how times have changed.
When I was a kid you did what you were told no questions asked.
You know what would happen if you didn't.
You know what would happen if you didn't.
Check out the poems below.
Poem to MOM
My son came home from school one day,With a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
To put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr.. Wright?
It's all about the laws to day,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.'
It says I need not clean my room,
Don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
Or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
And regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
And I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
And pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
Get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
With the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
My body's only for my use,
Not for your hugs and kisses,
that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
Like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
So you can't influence me,
Or I'll call Children's Services Division,
Better known as C.S..D."
Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
To toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
Made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
At the local Goodwill Store..I told him,
"Pick out all you want,
there's shirts &pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D
Who said they didn't care
If I bought you K-Mart shoes
Instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
To take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. Is unconcerned
So I'll decide what's best.
"I said "No time to stop and eat,
Or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
To make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
And wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
A favorite dish of mine."
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
To watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
For new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
You'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. Requires
Just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
Will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
Dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees ?
Are you asking God to help you out,
Instead of C.S.D..?"
I love thisOne!!!MOM(Mean Old Mother.)
I love thisOne!!!MOM (Mean Old Mother.)
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Unhappy Endings
Ken Barger, 47, of Newton, North Carolina, accidentally shot himself dead in 1992 while answering the phone in the middle of the night. He went to pick up the phone beside his bed, but, half asleep, grabbed his .38 Smtih & Wesson special instead. The gun went off when he pulled it to his ear.
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - Bacne
Origin: Teen Slang
Definition: Acne covering a person's back
Example: She should not be wearing that shirt with her bacne.
Spooge's Spit Up - Quotes and Insults
A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too!
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting on it.
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of paper!
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Insect Asides
Water mites are big on bondage. During mating, the male pins the female to the ground with tiny hooks so that there is no escape. He also glues himself to her with a special secretion, and the legs of a male sometimes double as sex organs.
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - R.I.Q.
Origin: Room Intelligence Quotient Originally from the stand-up comedy subculture.
Definition: The level of intelligence of an audience or group. Typically used as a pejorative term to indicate that you will have to do material that appeals to the lowest common denominator. Can be used in any group situation, especially business meetings.
Example: He spent his entire set doing West Virginia sister and wife jokes. That should tell you what the R.I.Q. is.OR Speak slowly when you give your presentation--I have a bad feeling about the R.I.Q.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Art for Art's Sake
Leonardo da Vinci was truly ambidextrous.
He could paint with one hand and draw with the other at the same time.
One of his lesser-known inventions was the Stink Bomb.
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - O'Doom
Origin: UnknownDefinition: Suffix added to any word to denote that it is a thing of size, power, majesty or grunt, and certainly something to be regarded with awe and reverence.
Example: There's not a lot of room in Dan's bedroom, but that's primarily because it contains the Waterbed O'Doom.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Insect Asides
The female praying mantis eats her partner after sex.... and sometimes even during sex. The female is much larger than the male and during copulation, hooks her deadly arms around him and starts to nibble away. His sex drive is so strong that he can carry on even while being eaten.
Sneaks Slip 'N Slang - E-lliterate
Origin: Computer Speak
Definition: Showing, or marked by a lack of computer sophistication.
Example: What do you mean you don't have an e-mail address, are you e-lliterate?
Spooge's Spit Up - The Shoe Box
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover . In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.
When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
"When we were to be married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
"Honey," he said, "that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"
"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."
A Prayer.......Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't know how to crochet.
Spooge's Spit Up - You Know When You Have Been Out of College Too Long When...
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...
~ Your potted plants stay alive.
~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
~ You carry an umbrella.
~ You watch the Weather Channel.
~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.
~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't knowhow to turn down the stereo.
~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.
~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.
~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.
~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.
~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Spooge's Spit Up - Hollywood
"Hollywood is a place where the stars twinkle until they wrinkle."
Victor Mature
"A trip through a sewer in a glass-bottomed boat."
Wilson Mizner
"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you $50,000 for a kiss and 50 cents for your soul."
Marilyn Monroe
"Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors."
Walter Winchell
"Hollywood is like Picasso's bathroom."
Candice Bergen
"Hollywood is a place where a man can get stabbed in the back while climbing a ladder."
William Faulkner
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Strange Structures
Most of the population of the South Australian town of Coober Pedy live underground.
Some homes were convereted from old opal mines but others have been dug out specifically as residences. They offer protection from the hot days and bitterly cold nights.
The town also boasts The Desert Cave - Australia's first underground five-star hotel.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - L33t Syndrome
Origin: Texting Speak
Definition: A common disease that infects children, usually male, between the ages of 13 and 17. Symptoms include a propensity to use numbers and misspellings (as well as mispunctuation) in place of proper 'net English, a terrible need to prove oneself, and many other annoying habits that only script kiddies and l33t h4x0R boys (and girls) have.
Example: My learned colleague would have presented a compelling argument, had he remembered to keep his l33t syndrome symptoms down. As it is, he sounds like a prat more than an intellectual.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know - Before They Were Famous
Tom Jones used to do his courting in a phone box at Pontypridd. Years later, when a new phone box was installed, he arranged for the original to be shipped out to his home in Las Vegas to remind him of the many happy hours he spent in there.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Kafuffle
Origin: UnknownDefinition: Chaotic situation; fuss; sometimes an argument.
Example: John's being 20 minutes late caused a big kafuffle at home.
Spooge's Spit Up - Tree Hugging
While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree, the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told
the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around
behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake".......
another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing
this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree, the other man replied.
'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'
'No, would you like to give it a try?'
Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms
around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy
slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then
stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to
the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?' He told
the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When he finished
telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around
behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said:
"This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake".......
Thanks to MSP for this one
Spooge's Spit Up - Top 10 Valentines Day Dont's
No. 1
DON'T tell your girlfriend that this has been “one of the best” Valentine’s you’ve ever had. She won’t see that as a compliment.
No. 2
DON'T celebrate your special night by ordering tequila shots – Valentine’s is already poignant enough without inviting Jose Cuervo to the party! Angry shouting and upchucking that expensive dinner you paid for do not a romantic evening make.
No. 3
DON'T try to “avoid the rush.” There’s no such thing as a romantic 4:00 PM dinner (unless you’re over 65).
No. 4
DON'T try to slip how much you spent on her gift into the conversation. She already know the going rate for cubic zirconia, dude.
No. 5
DON'T Forget to compliment your wife or girlfriend on her Valentine’s ensemble. Compliment her dress, her hair, her shoes, her nails, her makeup, her jewelry, her fingers, her toes, her kneecaps, her kidneys, etc. Just keep complimenting
No. 6
DON'T willingly engage in any conversation during which your wife/girlfriend addresses you by your real name. If she calls you “Honey,” or “Sweetheart,” or even “Papi,” you’re good to go. But any conversation that starts with “Michael, I need to ask you a question…” is a potential minefield.
No. 7
DON'T take your Valentine to an NC-17 movie, even if it’s foreign and/or artsy. On a night like this, the only naked body you should be admiring is hers.
No. 8
DON'T be your usual, too-cool-to-wear-nice-clothes self. No need to buy a new suit, but come on man – maybe tonight isn’t the night for your “ironic” Dukes of Hazard t-shirt.
No. 9
DON'T order tequila shots. Do you hear me? I’m not kidding about this!
No. 10
DON'T play mood music that’s sexier than you are. If you’re not 100% certain you can provide genuine “sexual healing,” leave Marvin Gaye up on the shelf. Every man’s got to know his limitations.
Spooge's Spit Up - Leather Dress
When a woman wears a leather dress,
A man's heart beats quicker,
and his throat gets dry,
he goes weak in the knees,
and he begins to think irrationally.
Ever wondered why?
Ever wondered why?
Because she smells like a new car !!!
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Toy Stories
When teddy bears first became popular in the 1900s, a US priest denounced them, claiming that they would lead to the destruction of the instincts of motherhood.
More recently a Surrey woman blamed the breakdown of her marriage on the fact that her husband lavished more attention on his 21 teddy bears than he did on her.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Quantity of Suck Times 1.5
Origin: UnknownDefinition: Term used to describe something that sucks-and-a-half.
Example: That new project they assigned us is quantity of suck times 1.5.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - As Seen On TV
William Shatner - Star Trek's Captain Kirk - Claims that a UFO once saved his life after his motorbike had broken down in the desert.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Da-Poss-e
Origin: American SlangDefinition: Describing a person's followers or special group.
Example: Da-poss-e of Jesus was the Twelve Disciples.
Sneaky's Daily Did You Know....? - Blame it on the Weatherman
The winter of 1932 was so cold in American that the Niagara Falls froze solid.
Sneak's Slip 'N Slang - Wacked
Origin: American Slang
Definition: (adj) Crazy, messed up, stupid, retarded, or just doesn't make any sense. Usually when you say wacked, you are completely shocked by what you have just seen or experienced.
Example: Did you see that? He just chugged a gallon of eggnog. That is wacked.
Spooge's Spit Up - Quotes on Love
I've had diseases that lasted longer than my marriages.
Nell Carter
I tried phone s-e-x - it gave me an ear infection.
Richard Lewis
If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no s-e-x life at all.
Rodney Dangerfield
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
I've never yet met a man who could look after me. I don't need a husband. What I need is a wife.
Joan Collins
If you never want to see a man again, say, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have children" -- they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner
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