You Can't Win
Showing posts with label De-Motivators. Show all posts
Showing posts with label De-Motivators. Show all posts
Friday Funny
The Bookworm
"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.
"What?" Chris replied.
"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"
"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.
"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.
"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
"What?" Chris replied.
"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"
"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.
"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.
"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."
Foot Fetish
The blind daters had really hit it off and, at the end of the evening
as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the
fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me - do you
have any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish - but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
Sex Education
One day in class the teacher has sex education.On the black board she draws a penis then asks the class if any of them knows what it is.
In the back of the room,Dirty Johnny stands and says "That's a penis,and my father has two of them".
The teacher looks surprised and asks "What do you mean,two?"
Dirty Johnny responds,"A little one to pee,and a big one to brush the baby sitters teeth."
Things a True Southerner Knows
The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.
When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.
The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, “Well I Suwannee !!” means.
Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don’t come from the store.
When “by and by” is.
How to handle their “pot likker”.
The difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece”.
The differences between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ‘em up past the elbows.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy’s pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.
What general direction cattywumpus is.
That “gimme sugar” don’t mean pass the sugar.
When somebody’s “fixin” to do something, it won’t be long.
The difference between Yankees and damn Yankees.
How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.
Knows what, “Well I Suwannee !!” means.
Ain’t nobody’s biscuits like Grandma’s biscuits !!
A good dog is worth its weight in gold.
Real gravy don’t come from the store.
When “by and by” is.
How to handle their “pot likker”.
The difference between “pert’ near” and “a right far piece”.
The differences between a redneck and a good ol’ boy.
Never to go snipe hunting twice.
At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.
Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll ‘em up past the elbows.
You should never loan your tools, pick-up, or gun to nobody.
A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy’s pants up.
Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.
Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.
Committee
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
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