Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts

The Pick Pocket

After the birth of her new baby, my cousin brought him to my place for a visit.
While there, she decided to prepare dinner one night and the three of us went to the grocery store to get the things she needed. While she was shopping, I was holding the baby and slowly meandering through the place. A woman walked past me, knocked my purse from my shoulder, put her hand on my arm, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm sorry." I said it wasn't a problem and we each went on our way. When I told my cousin about it she insisted that I had just been hit by a pickpocket. I checked and found my wallet and keys were still in my purse. It wasn't until at work the next day that I discovered the missing item -- a sanitary napkin.

As you may know, the Albuquerque housing market is becoming as tight as the one in Denver. My friend Chuck, after searching for months, found the perfect place. Family neighborhood, garden/lawn, etc. The problem was, he has a dog, and the landlord specified "No dogs."

Rather than go on searching, he decided to go stealth, and not tell the landlord about his dog (a golden retriever).All went well for months. Except for one thing: the family that lived downstairs had a rabbit that they kept in a cage in the garden area.

One day, the father of the family walked into the garden to find the dog scratching at the cage, trying to get at the rabbit. He immediately went to the landlord and complained.

The landlord threatened to kick Chuck out. But Chuck, being quite persuasive- and punctual with rent checks- convinced the landlord to keep him and his dog. On the condition that that Chuck keep his dog out of the garden area.

Months went by with no incidence. However, his girlfriend stayed home sick at his place one day. She, not knowing the garden rule, let the dog out.

Chuck came home and, to his dismay, found that the dog wasn't in the house. He opened the back door, and there at the steps was his dog. Dead rabbit in mouth. Needless to say, Chuck panicked. Not wanting to face certain eviction (and possible jail time), he took matters into his own hands.

He bathed the dead rabbit, blow-dried its hair (OK he was desperate) and carefully placed the rabbit back in the cage.
Natural causes, right? Nothing happened.

After an excruciating week, he finally approached his neighbor one morning on the way to work. "How is everything?" asked Chuck.

"We're moving" replied the man. "This is a sick neighborhood."

"Why? What happened?" replied Chuck.

The neighbor replied: "Some sick bastard dug up our recently deceased rabbit, washed it, combed its hair, and put it back in its cage."

Only in America

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

McGregor

THE SETTING: A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo.."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window.

"Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that sretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat . . . "

Proctological Exam

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

Speeding

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed.

However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.

The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked,

"Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did *I* get the ticket?"

"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.

"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.

The officer grinned and added, "Ever catch *all* the fish?"

Mooooooon River

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years.

One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."

Joe replied. "Are you crazy?!!"

Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first.

So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed.

They flipped a coin and Larry won.

Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo. Moooooo. Mooooon River......

I Really Need a Car

A little Catholic kid was praying as hard as he could. 'God,' he prayed, 'I really want a car.'

Jumping up and dashing to the window, he saw that the driveway was empty.

'God,' he prayed again, 'I really NEED a car.'

Still no answer to his prayers.

Suddenly the kid stood up, ran into his parents' bedroom, and grabbed the statuette of the Virgin Mary off the mantelpiece.

He wrapped it up in ten layers of paper, using three rolls of tape and a spool of twine, then stuffed it inside a box at the very bottom of his closet.

'Okay, God,' he said, getting down onto his knees again, 'if you ever want to see your mother again...'

Bastard

A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him.

"What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?"

"It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!"

"That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!'

"Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."

Pearly Gates

Clinton died and was standing at the Pearly Gates.

After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared.

"Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton."

"And what do you want?" asked St. Peter.

"Lemme in!" replied Clinton.

"Soooo," pondered Peter.

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.

I guess I had extra-marital sex -- but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations.'

And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.

We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'

You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.'

And don't abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Guided Tour

A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love.

"How awful !" exclaimed the wife.

"Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.

Is Microsoft Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly. ... Okay, Windows does that.

2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. ... Okay, Windows does that.

3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. ... Okay, Windows does that too.

4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. ... Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. ... Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus. ... It's a bug.

Proverbs

1.. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

2. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

3. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

4. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

5. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

6. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

7. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

8. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

9. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

10. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

11. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

12. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

13. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never run out of material.

Good News & Bad News

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good
news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

Embarrassing

I'd locked myself out of my car. I watched the locksmith work with that wire that slides under the window and then pushes up the lock. I asked him, 'that goes under the window, huh? What do you do if the window is down?'
I swear, sometimes I embarrass myself.

Sad Day at Disney

It was a somber day in Disney land, Mickey And Minnie were in divorce court..
The judge was about to make his decision he said 'Im sorry mickey, I cant grant you a divorce based on your statement that Minnie has prominant teeth"

Mickey retorted " I DIDNT SAY SHE had prominent teeth, I SAID SHE WAS FUCKING GOOFY!!

Brilliant Stunt

A stunt we used to enjoy at the dining hall in my undergrad days.

The food service used opaque plastic salt and pepper shakers with pop-off tops that could be pried off with a knife blade if you were persistent enough.

PREPARATION (in a restroom nearby):

(1) Empty salt ( or pepper) from a previously 'acquired' container and fill about 1/3 full with concentrated lemon juice.

(2) Place a thin tissue across the opening, poke it down a bit to form a depression, and fill the depression with about a teaspoon of baking soda.

(3) Cover (from the inside) the holes of the top with tape of the appropriate color.

(4) Replace top on container and trim visible tissue from around the top.

Carry the device to dining hall (upright and as stable as is possible... for your own sake).

After discretely placing the shaker on your table (only place it near to you... see caveat \#1 below), observe the next person to use the salt (pepper).

(S)He will shake lightly at first, then harder as nothing comes out.

Due to the breakdown of the tissue and the pressure resulting from the classic acid/base reaction, the top will pop off (quite spectacularly) amidst a shower of foam.

Your victim (as will as everyone around) should have quite a reaction, since one does not usually observe this type of behavior in a salt (pepper) shaker!

CAVEATS: 1. The top will come off with some force.

If the holes are sealed well, this will happen on about the second or third shake.

Once, though, due to poor sealing, it took about 5 seconds, during which time our victim started looking at the shaker to examine the "foamy stuff coming out" of the holes... we quickly grabbed the shaker from her to direct the top towards the ceiling before it went off.

So, watch carefully!

2. The "foam shower" (lemon juice \& soda) may ruin you victim meal... be prepared to pop for another one.

3. Don't do this if your victim or anyone near ground zero is dressed up (this joke will flop at board meetings and the like).

The Lone Ranger & Tonto

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding through one of the many canyons when suddenly rising from the hill on their right are hundreds of Indians.

They start to spur their horse forward when they realised that there are hundreds of Indians ahead of them.

Wheeling to the left they, once again, see hundreds of Indians rising from the hill. They begin to back away in the direction from which they had come and they realise, they were surrounded.

The Indians had spread out. They were trapped.

The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto, his life long friend, and says "Tonto, my friend, I think I must say that I have treasured our times together but now I think we are doomed".

"We?" replied Tonto "What's all this we, Paleface?"

Widow

The young widow was kneeling at her husband's grave tending to the weeds, when she felt the grass rustle beneath her skirt. She smiled and said "Easy sweetheart, you're dead now ya know."

Psychology Student

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said, "Pardon me, miss, do you happen to have the time?"

In a strident voice she responded, "How dare you make such a proposition to me?"

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortable aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned in their direction. He mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss."

In a voice even louder, the woman shrieked, "I will call the police if you say another word!" Grabbing his drink, and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.

Not more than half a minute had passed when the woman joined him. In a quiet voice, she said, "I am terribly sorry, sir, to have embarrassed you, but I am a psychology student at the university and I am writing a thesis on the reaction of human beings to sudden shocking statements."

The man stared at her for three seconds, then he leaned back and bellowed, "You'll do all that for me all night for just ten dollars?"

MissBeGotten

Quick The Boss is Coming...

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