Showing posts with label Friday Funnies. Show all posts

Friday Funny

The Bookworm

"For Heaven's sake, Chris, why can't you talk to me once in a while?" Julie whined.

"What?" Chris replied.

"Look around!" Julie yelled, as she pointed around the room. "Look at all these books! You always have your head buried in a book! You don't even seem to know I'm alive!"

"I'm sorry, honey," Chris said.

"Sometimes I wish I were a book. Maybe then you'd at least look at me!" Julie exclaimed.

"Hmmmm," Chris mumbled, "that's not such a bad idea. Then I could take you to the library every few days and change you for something more interesting."

Friday Funny

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building.

He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

Friday Funny

Our neighbor’s Brazilian maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.' The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.' Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'

Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'

Wife: 'So how much do you want?'

Friday Funny

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.'
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!' The woman said, 'That's okay.'

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'. The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me.'
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world.
And he will be ten times richer than you. '
The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine.'
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like to have a mild heart attack.'

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Friday Funny

Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?

Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss: Yes.

Employee: I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.

Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain, I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?

Employee: Great! It's a deal! Thank you, sir!

Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?

Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

Friday Funny

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. "You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Friday Funny

Fire! Fire! Fire!

"A painter, whitewashing the inner walls of a country outhouse, had the misfortune to fall through the opening and land in the muck at the bottom.

He shouted, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" at the top of his lungs.

The local fire department responded with alacrity, sirens roaring as they approached the privy. "Where's the fire?" called the chief.

"No fire," replied the painter as they pulled him out of the hole. "But if I had yelled, 'Shit! Shit! Shit!' who would have rescued me?""

Friday Funny

Two boys are playing with a rugby ball on the street outside Eden Park in Auckland , when one is attacked by a vicious rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy grabbed a stick and wedged it under the dog's collar and twisting it he luckily broke the dog's neck and stopped the attack.

A reporter strolling by sees the incident and rushes to interview the boy.

"Young Warrior Fan Saves Friend," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Warriors fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we’re in Auckland , I assumed you were," and starts again.

"All Black Fan Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack,...." he writes.

"I'm not an All Black fan either!" the boy said.

"I thought everyone in Auckland was either a Warriors or All Blacks fan. . . . . so what team DO you root for?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Roosters and Wallaby fan!", the child beamed.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

"Little Bastard from Australia Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Friday Funny

Sexist Jokes About Women

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side

Why couldn't Hellen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman

Why haven't any women ever gone to the moon?
It doesn't need cleaning yet

Why did God make woman last?
He didn't want someone telling him what to do

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow

Sexist Jokes About Men

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends

Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be hell

Why did God create man before woman?
Because your always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Friday Funny

An Italian Girl

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

"Thank you, Honey", she says. "What would you like me to bring back for you?"

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"

When the conference is over, he meets her at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"

"Very good," she replies.

"And what happened to my present?"

"Which present?" she asks.

"The one I asked for- an Italian girl!"

"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Friday Funny

The ABC's of Growing Older

Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But now let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?

D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.

H is high blood pressure -- I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!

P for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just
give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.

W is for worry (now what's going 'round?)
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest -- but just in my mind.

Friday Funny

A Few Thoughts on Exercise

If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
A tortoise doesn’t run, barely walks & does nothing ..yet lives for 450 years.

Friday Funny

I Know What You Are Thinking

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying
in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds, and I know what you are thinking.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'"

Friday Funny

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32..50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Friday Funny

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it’s unfair that if a guy f***s a different girl every week, he’s a legend, but if a girl f***s just two guys in a year, she’s a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it’s a shitty lock.
That shut her up.

Friday Funny

Sneaking In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Friday Funny

Don't Ask For a Divorce While Driving

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel.

Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies-in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says.

"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

Friday Funny

A Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?", she guessed.

"No," the boy replied.

She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?

"No," said the little boy..."It's a puppy!"

Friday Funny

A man went fishing one day.

He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth.

Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free.

But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food.

All he had was a bottle of bourbon. So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots.

The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds.

He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat.

With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!

Friday Funny

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Dickhead and Shit for Brains.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32..50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

MissBeGotten

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